梦 。。

  最近睡得越来越少，梦得越来越多，越来越真实。

  捷运，琴房，浴室，校园。


天凉了，心还是热的。

忍着痛掏出来给你，

依偎着，

是不是就会更暖一些？

一夜的嘶吼，

发现你其实并不在意，

遗忘在2D琴房下的鞋印。


风，

吹凉了心，

依依不舍最后的搏动，

还听得见脚步声，

一步步远去，

一句句还是朋友。

然后沉默。


雨不停地下，

一把把伞腼腆地笑着，

五彩缤纷的图腾，

无关顶上无奈的霜。


是否，

只能默默地掩饰那需要被哭诉的眼泪，

苦中带咸地浇灌着檐下的花，

似乎只有她们，

从来，

不撑伞。



Yves.

  Another late night blog for me, a bad performance, an unexpected trip to the night market, an unexpected thought struck me.

  The very same track, when the same breeze hit you on the face but in a very different night, you will begin to think, what's changed? Almost just one month ago, yet it felt like a life time ago. Isn't it complicated? Human life. What's changed?

  Most of the time, people seek spiritual shelter instead of a real two-way emotional connection with one another, a huge delusion when people thought that they've fallen for someone. There are no real ways to know when is which or which is which, only time. But time hurts, as it goes on.

  Every decision we have made is a sealed deal, brood an endless trail of consequences, how could we not regret for many or some of them when it could have been different?

  Sometimes I regretted breaking up with some of them for there were still some preciously good things when it happened.

  There're more and more I can never mention here.

  How long more will I be coming back for this?

  I wonder.

Yves.

潮起潮落 ...

  So long after the day I left my little room. Sitting now in front of my desk, listening to that very same song I had the night before I left.

  So many things happened in just two months. I've found myself new friends and challenges. And a new perspective towards relationships. A  very interesting thing is that many of us actually forget the ultimate target of a relationship is marriage. For so long we've ignored this fact, purposely.

  Having no computer, I wrote many of my thoughts in the little book that came with me from Malaysia. I can now tell why many people still preferred recording their life and thoughts through black and white to digital form. The sense of relief is totally different. Also the freedom to shout out is different.

  Still the very same thing, someone will be reading this, think of something and react. Even when we were writing this, we kept something to ourselves.

  潮起潮落,海浪一波接一波,帶來的是大海無限的可能.

  海水慢慢地推,慢慢地推.

  好舒服的日光浴.

  漲潮了,一切都沉在水底,看似那麼美好,平靜.

  海水慢慢地退,慢慢地退.

  悄悄地把一切吸走.

  退潮了,一切沒了,有人擱了淺,有人退了走.

  留下的,是沙,是石,是真實.

  留下的,是應該珍惜的.

  雖然,好痛.

Yves.

一路顺风 。。。

终于，一天一天，终于。。。我要走了。

  慢慢地逼近，一个个地方都是最后一次去了，一个个人都是最后一次见了。

  离别，总是还没准备好就到了。

  每次离开一个地方，跟自己说，是最后一次来了，心里就紧了一下。生活在一个地方，很多回忆就像船底的贝类一样附着着，跟着。当船要上岸进行清理，为下一个旅程进行准备时，很多的回忆都会被硬生生地刮下来。随着日子一天一天逼近，心上的贝类也依次地被无情地刮落。

  收拾着房间，发现，原来发生了这么多。翻着一本本簿子，一张张卡片，一份份礼物，好多回忆搅动着，原来，错过了这么多。

Feelings 。。。

  And this is not about anything, just mixed feelings.

  Happy for the time is coming.

  Sad for the time has passed.

  Stressful for what is to come.

  Relieved for what has already gone.

  Angry for missing it.

  Glad for ... I've forgotten how to be glad.

  Or grateful,

  Or pleased.

  Or peace.



Yves.

 

Suddenly 。。。

  Today, more precisely yesterday, it's now midnight, marked my last performance in Malaysia before I leave for Taiwan. All things will come to an end. Four years of services really taught me lots of things.

  Speaking of ending, it is just a preparation for another beginning. Simple it might seem, no one can really define ending.

  After all these years venturing through different relationships, I finally found out the why some people couldn't bare being single, or say alone. It comes when early morning in your toilet sitting on your toilet bowl, suddenly you have no one to send just one message; when deep in the night on your sofa counting sheep, suddenly you have no one to send just one message; when the world keeps on spinning and there you stand, suddenly you have no one to send just one message. The thing starts right after you realize the truth. It's like a hole and suddenly you have no one to send just one message.

  Few things you can do, one, find someone to fill up the space, two, find something to fill up the space, three, wait for the hole to close up after like a thousand years.

  Just tired.

 

就这样。。。

  就这样，短短的，像往常一样不戴眼镜，手指自然地敲着。

  短短的，就这样，结束了。到底是为了逃避还是为了面对。

  听着同样一首歌，每次都是同一首歌，到最后已经记不清是哪一天，哪件事，哪个人。

  没有一贯的情绪波动，没有历来的翻来覆去，一切都太不真实。

 
  好像一场梦。


  这决定到底正不正确，值不值得，已经不重要了，因为它已经成为过去。可悲的，是没有留下任何的痕迹。还未落地的叶就已经枯萎，还未盛开的玫瑰就已经凋零。更可悲的是不仅仅是没有在世上留下一点痕迹，在心上也烙不下一块印记。

  烙下的印会烫，割开的伤会疼，可这像流沙般柔顺的时间，要怎么去回忆？握紧双手，就走了。

  有些人，不该遇见；有些人，本该遇见。

  有些人，就应该杀掉。

When 。。。

Speaking of what do I like,


  I like it when I look into your eyes, I see thoughts as pure as water; when I sniff onto your hair, on my eye lids I see peace.

  I like it when I rest my head on your shoulder, I can close my eyes; when I finally open, you're always right beside.

  I like it when missing someone is just for the sake of missing, I can put away obligations, titles and wards; when I say the words, comes together no manacles and chains.

  I like it when I play that little song from Mayday, I see your reflection on the piano,smiling, as if nothing have changed.

  I like it when when the house is empty, I can mourn for those who existed only in the past; when I cry, silent is there to comfort.

  I like it when the night is high and the moon hides, I shower from no light but dark tides; when I let the screen's piercing light through my eyes, I know what to type.


  You like ... We will never know.


All in all, I seek a heart I will never again have, which is pure, a place I will never again be, where I can stand and say " Hey, is that the manager? LOL."

Ballade 。。。

  Chopin Ballade in g minor, Op. 23 still ringing in my head.

  Had been thinking of strange things lately. Things I cannot say. Causes, consequences. Choices. Concerns.

  Just like the music.

 

 

Butterfly 。。。

  Hey, Hi there. It's me. Not sure if you're still out there to see, just happen to have something to say.

  Although this might be fate, exactly a year precised to day, like a curse. Kept from the light, to the world we never existed. Still fresh and new, 22th March, cookies on the bus, where everything began. Romantic, Lunatic, Wild. The smell on your hair, the sense of your touch. It hurts, waking up knowing it was just another dream after many many of them.

  Time flew like a butterfly, carried away your passion and serenity.  

  That day on that bridge, was the moment closest to human I've ever had.

  Unfortunately, we were never meant to be anything more. 

  Or say faith was lost. 

  Youth, a time when everyone was blind, foolish yet pure.

  When eyes spark of excitement and anticipation. 

  To be devoured and consumed, willingly. 

  

  One more word and I'll be doomed. The rest shall be kept in the little journal that no one will ever get to read. 

  Just regrets and all. It could have been different.

  It could have been.

Yves

Fear 。。。

  Buzz killing feelings. The good thing about being miserable is that anything worse won't bring much surprise. Yet who would prefer to be miserable forever? Although bad things weren't meant to happen. They do happen.

  It's been peaceful recently, everything is smooth, everything is fine. Just too fine.

  Glass can be pretty solid, hard to break. But once there's a crack, you can break it into half just by a little push. There was a experiment on cracking a human skull, scientists tried everything they know with nothing positive. At the end it was a tiny little seed which finished the job. By planting it on top of the skull and once it blossomed the force cracked the entire skull.

  It seems that always looking out for that little waiting-to-grow seed is the utmost important thing to do, but making sure that we are not the ones planting them is even more important.

  Been talking to friends yesterday about when relationship outliving love. When being together just for the sake of being together. Although so weird a situation, they thought it was totally fine.

  It is a fear deep inside that something might go wrong and screw everything up. That fear.

                                                                                                                                 

  Sometimes one having lots of experiences is good but sometimes, it entangles, slows, frightens.



Yves.

Facts 。。。

  A long day left behind. Home now, sledging on my couch, without my glasses. It seems that I tend to be more emotional without them. 

  An idea came to mind on the taxi just now. Is remembering everything in a relationship an obligation for those involved? Although everyone knows that no one can remember everything perfectly, still they feel disappointed when something that was expected to be remembered wasn't. That's the point where everything began. "I thought I've told you before?".

  The interesting part is that people would apologize for that, feel guilty and even sad for that despite knowing the fact, that no one is perfect. 

  The need to feel important through occupying places in others' mind is very important to human beings. It also helps human beings seek their own value and existence. Feeling being forgotten or overlooked is like a crushing blow to it especially when in a relationship, He/She is everything and everything. 

  It's a fact that relationships were tore down bit by bit silently through small and simple things. It happened a lot in the past. Still not sure how to deal with it.

  Many say that growing up means that you begin to care less and feel less, impacts and changes becomes less destructive. Like the dragon's tongue, you cannot lie with it, but you can choose which side of the truth to tell. The truth is, growing up means that you begin to know that there's a reason for everything and be able to accept it.

Yves.

11.52 p.m 。。。

  Well it's 11:52 p.m now, it's been a long two-day time with friends, interesting chit-chat, great time recalling those timeless years. 

  Were asked this question frequently recently, "How many more times can we sit down like this and just talk and laugh?" You see we don't really ask these kind of question in high school. Those were days when we thought that time is something only thing we have too much, when all seemed too far away. It's interesting that about situations and circumstances, good or bad, were often decided after the event not before. So the question is what difference does it make to the future if it has already past? Good or bad? Some would say it's to be an experience or record for future judgement and decision. But then the recorded human history has been at least 5000 years, why is human not perfect yet?

  Time to go, I've only a shower time. Gute Nacht.

Yves

  

Train of Thoughts 。。。

  Today on the bus, I thought of so many things, things that I shouldn't be thinking about, things that might be another prime factor of the future.

  Those so-called "contemporary" songs they produce nowadays are so contagious and dangerous. The aim is already not to explore and introduce the essence of music but just to easily bring people into the specific emotional state that they will invoke by themselves everything else that is necessary. Though this success should not be overlooked but the harm it brings is too vast. People make bad decision when they're upset, down, emotionally unstable and ruin the good things in their life.

  I should be more careful next time.

在一起 。。。

  又过去几天了，短短的一个周末，好多东西改变了。

  短短的三天两个晚上，深深地，不知道是羡慕还是嫉妒。一家人在一起，就算是一起躺着什么也不做也是一种奢侈。一家人开开心心地吃饭，没有仇恨，是很幸福的事。那天晚上坐在位子上，一边吃着就在想，平凡的生活，还真是幸福。

  第二天的早上接到一封信息，还真的以为是在做梦。

  曾经幻想过很多次，不同的情况，不同的方式。没想到，就这样发生了。已经不记得是从哪一个点上，开始有着那种感觉，那至少这次要记得是在这个点上，本来在至少十年后才可能会发生的事奇迹性的穿越时空来到现在，然后发生了。（31/05/2014，凌晨 06:38 )

  难得的一次机会，希望不会以失败告终，希望，我们已经足够成熟来面对。

沉淀 。。。

  忙完了电影，一直到今天才有机会静下来沉淀一下。

  虽然说票房大好，反应热烈，但是以本身是制作团队一员的角度来看，这不算是一部成功的作品。

  先从自己是音乐总监的部分来说，配乐其实写得不错，但当不是用真的乐器来录制的时候，很多的感觉就被抹杀掉了。对于哪种镜头需要哪种感觉的配乐也拿捏的不好。主题曲，是最让人失望的。身为作曲家，最痛苦的就是别人把自己的歌唱成完全另一个样。可能是我的要求太高，或是在作曲时用的是完美的声音来想像。有了中文歌词还要翻去韩文，又是一番功夫。有时候，有些东西，还是需要专业。

  之后再看到剧情的发展与事实上想表达的想法加上演员的诠释做的交叉比较。这剧，想要表达的东西配上剧本是刚刚好的，可是能够表达的空间和时间太短了。一部片下来感觉就是一个赶。而演员在很多地方的表达也因为之前没有足够的协调而出现错误。

  拍摄以及后期制作，导演已经尽量了，没什么好说的。能说的还是专业。拍摄有人聊天，搞笑，东西没做好，台词不知道，时间赶不到，动作没想好，表情动不了，声音僵硬了。还有一点是时间，根本没时间来第二次，所以多烂的镜头也都照收，少了对于演员的要求。

  总地来说，这次的制作，在规模上是有不错的成长，团队变大了，人变多了，可在艺术层面上来看，可惜地讲，比起《心目中的她》时下降了。

  人多好办事，并不一定是对的。时间不够用，也不能总是成为借口。

  很多时候，很多东西，还是需要专业。

                                                                                                 


  接下来，就考试了，考完两个试，就走了。

  之后，会怎样呢？

  以后，会怎样呢？

Durians 。。。

  Dinner with mother, a man and another man.

  Thank God for giving me the will to stop myself from pouring the glass of beer on him and fuck the whole place up.

  In the middle of discussion, suddenly he began talking about how he took motorbike and went for grilled  chicken wings, how he stole durians from his university. Seriously? Durians and chicken wings?

  I guess I can never understand why. This is not the first time I thought about this matter, but am sure that this won't be the last. By telling yourselves that you can't change others, change yourselves worked well, but still, when there just aren't enough room for changes, or even a change, you'll just have to accept, and that's not something easy. It's a lesson everyone has to learn.

  But, I prefer killing them.

Yves

Nemesis 。。。

  It's been a harsh day, fragile life. He who died with no name. I shall name him Nemesis.

  Never had he a name, now a past, with a name.

  It is an interesting thing that although not entirely obvious, God seems to be, step by step, taking away things that might be holding me back in Malaysia. First Her, then It, now Him. Not saying that his death is something good but it seemed to be just right on time.

  Everything, just right on time.

  But still, it hurts.


Yves.

The Need 。。。

  Been thinking recently about why people were often stuck in a relationship loop and couldn't relieve themselves. Especially for teenagers whose life long targets still seemed far away and the need for self recognition uncontrollably kicking in. With this we can explain why that puppy love or what we called pre-matured relationship usually don't work out fine. It is that under these influences, what we were looking for wasn't quite the definition of love in the adults world. Love often speaks of obligations, responsibility and commitment. What teenagers have are the need to be needed. Of course The Need exist not only for teens, in fact, it is a human nature to feel an emptiness inside that needs to be filled. The difference is that through proper psychological development, we can actually differentiate the feeling generated by our brains whether they are primal or mutual thus avoid unwanted tragedies or fulfill temporal satisfaction, a.k.a, have sex. 

  There are people whose resolution is to shut everything down and concentrate on themselves, fulfilling the need by themselves. Kind of like Hermaphroditism. Obvious cases on people telling the world about career above everything, which is good actually according to current social and moral standard. However, this will not prove the absence of the need but an inversion of the original, the other way round. You need yourself. 

  All in all, just tired.

Yves

For You 。。。

I wanted to cry, I haven't a reason.

I wanted to shout, I haven't a reason.


I wanted to mourn, I haven't a person.

I wanted to be, I haven't a person.


I wanted to leave, I haven't a shelter.

I wanted to stay, I haven't  a shelter.


I wanted to dream, I haven't a future.

I wanted to think, I haven't a future.


The Past is taunting the present, ready to blast into laughter anytime the future fulfilled itself.

Past, Present and Future are constant and changing.


Everything dates back to 17 Dec 2008.


When the snow ball began rolling.

When the root began drilling.

When the ship began sinking.

When the heart began bleeding.

When the fire began burning.

When I began Falling.

For You,

For You,

For You,

For You,

For You,

And for You 。。。


  Time to lock up everything again, as I did, long time ago.

  Pain, is a part of feelings, a price I dare not pay, again.

  A Needle, a Hammer, a Pan, a Knife, a Poison, a Drug.

  What more can it make become?



Yves.

又累了。。。

  There are times, when finally after a long day outside, back at your own doorstep, you close the door, stare into the darkness, the living room, kitchen, bathroom, study room, bedroom, one by one, and begin to hope that something would suddenly begin to move, begin to talk, as if it is alive.

  Alone, in the darkness.

  There are no needs to turn on the lights, everything is well remembered, every corner, every object, they wouldn't run away. A cruel difference between people and things. Things won't and don't run away unless moved. People, do. They always do. You always do.

 
  Another meaningless day has passed, every second you are off the piano is a waste.

 
  I'm just tired.

  Yves.

Captain America 。。。

  Watched Captain America last Sunday, alone. The theater was quite empty due to... whatever it was.An interesting thing about watching movies to teenagers is that usually it weren't for the movie but the make out during. Proved true whenever walked into a not so popular movie site and glanced left and right at the corner. The best sits were those in the middle yet they chose to be at the site, well you know. One of my friend used to have oral during the show, what the hell?

  So in the end, it was not about it but during it.

  Anyway, nicely done, Captain America, though there was a little problem while the air-carriers were attacking each other and then fall from the sky. You see that the three air-carriers were identically built, so why their targeting systems weren't acting as such? While one was targeting engines, the other two were... no idea what they were doing that long after the two of them dropped the last one can still flew for so long a time. And three carriers with anti-matter engines destroyed literally on the ground with no explosion of any sort, radiation or at least something? Well, the carriers must be so sophisticated that they can run on... nothing?

  Anyway, just a movie.

  Down actually.


Yves.

Aeroplane 。。。

  There are times when you just wanted to curse the earth for being spherical instead of cubical especially when you've spent almost the whole night up just because your friends wanted to drink some mid night tea and you have to wait for their cars plus after you woke up the other day another friend gave you a big aeroplane in a very unique and special way without even a word of apology but a beautiful " 哈哈哈 。。".

  Go to your Mars next time.

A Day for Audition 。。。

  Today is my audition for the college in United Kingdom, it's blowing a storm in my head and I don't think calming them down is something easy.

  A good thing to say is that the professor liked my playing and really wanted me to go but it's the same problem over and over again since... ever, Money.  There're people applying for Master's Degree there too but when I heard their playing I can definitely say I'm better just by listening next door. 

  Interpretation, is very obvious if not from within. It's like telling a story you know nothing about.   

  And yet again, they are the ones able to get there, not me. 

  Pathetic, just like a Beethoven Sonata.

  

  I did made a few mistakes though, lost my tempo, missed some notes. One interesting thing is on a different piano I can actually find different perspectives over the same song so what I did today was applying it on the spot and that costs me kind of a big disadvantage for doing it on the spot will actually mess up your old memory for the song. Anyway, a good lesson.

  Another thing is that I've finally done dealing with what we called a stage panic thing when you're on the stage and your heart starts to go faster and faster and you're sweating everywhere. Today when I was in the room, I felt absolutely confident about what I was going to do and I don't really feel scared. I've never dream that I can do this. Interestingly, the key is to tell yourselves that whatever comes out, it doesn't matter, just go and believe in yourselves.

  When I was waiting for my turn, I spoke to the head of the studio and learned some news about one old friend of mine, she stopped learning music. Just the time after we broke up. It might just be my over-imaginable thinking because the head of studio told me that her former teacher went abroad for further studies but I might have crushed a future pianist. Nothing about regrets, just feeling that I should apologize for that, but to who? Every life changes when comes in touch with one another. That changed too much, too much. The song I'm having now is 你不知道的事.

  And the last thing for today, I want to save this little spot for you Honey, it has been almost a month since that thing happened, I shouldn't say that I still missed you, but I do, I really do.

  Like a rose, you thorned me where my blood flew, stabbed me and brought me my doom,

  But still,

  Of all the things you do, you gave me the finest truth,

  So now I want to tell you that,

  I do not regret for letting you through.

Yves

Explanation 。。。

  About the weird childish behavior I have recently, maybe there's an explanation. Although unconvincing but acceptable.

  Something about personalities, some are permanent, some are temporal. When faced with challenges or changes, and when it's bad, we would begin to question ourselves, what went wrong, what did we do? During happy times we develop a set of temporary personality that we assume is good and when everything goes off the track, we question then slash off the set of personality assuming that it was what destroyed everything. So now we have a hole to fill in. How to behave?

  The situation was bad, so we felt bad. 

  Before this I actually wrote bunch of things to explain that strange behavior of mine but in the end I just felt that trying to explain them wouldn't help getting rid of them and too the situation. Time to move on, change.

  It rained the past few days, it's good.

Yves

Interesting day II 。。。

  Again, an interesting day. Interesting feelings.

  First, well, I saw her. Still the same as she used to be.

  Second, I want to give a compliment to the school choir, through the years, they stayed dramatically stasis. That is a very difficult thing to do, to stay the same. Still having those same problems that lead to a not far from same end. I can't imagine that voice leaders are people who can't even read notes or find out who's going out of tune. So when your leaders are not skilled enough, your practices are just a process of reproducing not skilled enough or simply noisy music.

  Third, I saw a post, and it still hurts like a freshly cut wound, blood dripping all over the place and pair of eyes staring while condemning, it was your fault.

  Fourth, Life is like a Impromptu, no one knows what will happen next. As time passes, the one thing that we all learn is that actually, it doesn't hurt that much, the pain, much of it, was imagined out of a necessity to mourn and to grieve, for, who knows, ourselves maybe. 

  Time to sleep. Gute Nacht.


Yves.

奇特的一天 。。。

  奇特的一天，回学校伴奏，发生一大堆有前途的事。

  那一来是可能过多几下就不需要我去了。

  二来是他们真的，真的，真的，一点儿都没进步也！！！

  三来是竟然错过了她来的时候。那还蛮可惜的，很久没笑了。

  四来是意识到尊孔的学生长期以来其实都有种自我封闭的现象。常有的话是“不要去跟别人比，自己尽力就好了。”长久下来加上错误的引导最后演变成极端的自我满足--“已经不错了啦。”“有这样已经很好了咯。”

  五来是见到很多许久未见的人。那句话着实吓到了我一下。

  好吧，奇特的一天就这样结束了，明天又是新的一天，希望明天，有雨。

April Fool's phone call 。。。

Prologue:

  It's April Fool today, an interesting day.

  Still fresh in my mind, the phone call I made exactly one year ago. 12 a.m, 1/4/2013, April Fool. 

  “我们还是分手吧。”

Chapter One:

  Back to the very beginning of the story, it was mid spring, a foreign bird flew into the hall and some how landed in front of me.

  “新生？”

  “嗯嗯。”

  Two weeks later, a peaceful night, the point where the ball started rolling.

  "Will you be mine?"

  "Yes."

  "Then I'm yours forever, too."

  First kiss in the stairwell, first date in the mall. 

Chapter Two:

  

  It was too soon that the smoke blinded what lied below, blazing fire. Backgrounds, feelings, needs.

  How can you play the piano like this? Why don't you trust me? What do you want do in the future? Why are you crying? 

  It's so interesting that people can succumb so easily to lust, pure lust. Blind folded, my eyes, saw nothing but falsified peace and happiness. 

   Wanna try taking them off? Why don't you sleep over? Can you do oral?   

Chapter Three:

  By going faster and faster, finally it went off the track. Threw itself of the cliff, it was a valley full of thorns waiting below. It was winter, when everything started crumbling.

  "Why he was there?"

  "He's just a friend."

  A party.

  "I've told you that I hate people getting drunk."

  "I'm sorry."

  Well, there are way too many things that "Sorry" can't save.

  "I'm not one that believes people so easily and I've decided that we should be apart."

  "As you wish, live long and prosper."

  A week later, after the mountain cooled down and she realized that,

  "I'm sorry, please come back."

  "Don't let that ever happen again."

  Physically yes, but mentally, gone since then.

  I was never back. 

Epilogue:

  After April Fool they never meet each other again until this day. Both thinking that they were right.

  Yes, I'm right, you are wrong.

  The very basic concept that killed uncountable relationships since Day One. 

  I wonder who made that Inception in the very beginning.  

  Yves.

Sadness 。。。

  For ages I've closed my door, for ages I don't believe in love, for ages I don't know what is comfort. Now I do, and I wish I still don't. A shut down door is always better than a opened one with no one coming in. Many things just don't exist if we don't believe they do. Hell is frightening because Heaven is just inches away.

  "Promise me that you won't leave me again."

  "I promise."

  And you break it.

  It's what hurt the most.

  Betrayed.

  All the times we had, I've never heard you complained about things, never heard you say you are not happy with this with that. And suddenly one day, just burst out. I was shocked and confused. Later hurt and drowned. Yes it's my fault that I don't understand your feelings but how am I going to know if you just don't say it? Or even hinted a bit? 

  It's a cut, you made on my heart.

  Maybe it's about experience, to know that to maintain a relationship is to deal with the problems, not to change either one to compromise it and when everything is falling apart, leave. Maybe one day you will finally realize this. But what good does it make to me? I've lost you. Already.

  Consider, one last time.

  On this day, my eyes bled dry, my veins mourned, for what we could have been.

KAMEHAMEHA 。。。

  The last post was about emotions and internal feelings, this will be about complains or perspective I suppose. Am I really wrong?

  Knowing well enough that men and women are different in every way and tried to compensate those factors to full extent yet the efforts are just constantly not enough. Every time there are flaws in the shield layers.

  How is it possible for me to remember everything I've said to an extent like cutting my hair? Saving time for outing? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? And should a grown up person being jealous about those small things? And if I were to forget, can't I be reminded? Why everything have to be on my head? Saving up everything inside, not telling, no signalling and then one hell of a burst. Not dealing with the problem, just messing up everything and ruining the sanctuary.

  For how many times I had the same reason for breaking up? Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving,  Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving 。。。

  KAMEHAMEHA~~~~~

  Sometimes I really don't know what are the standards and what aren't.

A Night to Grieve 。。。

  This is a night to grieve, 是个哀悼的夜晚， in remembrance of an important person in life. 纪念着一个重要的人。

  A year ago, the same day, in a stair well I met this little one that was so interesting I couldn't compel myself to lift the pedal and let the sounds go off. So on and on those notes, flying around the hall, bouncing around creating harmonies never before heard. Although through time, vibrations will wear off, but even the slightest of the remaining sound created such beauty of melody that wouldn't pale before the Seven Sins.

  And so the composer decided to take down the notes and spread it wide around the world. So he went to buy papers, quills, ink, staff roller, piano, everything that were necessary, everything. 

  The next morning, they were gone, literally, gone. Nothing moved, the well stared at me like the eye, consuming what was to be divine. Everything just stopped.

  Slowly dying away.

  Little by little.

  Including the composer.

  Me.

  Diminuendo.

  Yves.

Status 。。。

  Posted some status yesterday night and was asked about it. It's surprising that narrating an incident from the past can trigger so big an emotion fluctuation. It's like living it out again in the parallel universe. And so came some news that weren't expected, that everything wasn't real at all. That might lead to greater anger and disappointment if proved to be true. 

  After all these losses, I now truly begin to understand what it means to be a teenager. It is to learn the ways of dealing with people, things, emotion or even relationship, with failure. If everything were smooth and the world did not crumble, I wouldn't be me now. It's crucial that we know what we've lost are worthy of what we've learned but the last thing to do would be trying to calculate the loss and gain and try to balance it with explanation we made up for ourselves.  

  One thing that is important for a teenager is the ability to differentiate lust driven feelings and archetypal feelings. As a teen under development, unstable hormones release have always influenced our judgement. Feeling in love is actually caused by a release of hormones in our brain but even if we have the knowledge from scientific researches, controlling it was never easy. 

  Beginning to step into adulthood, thinking back in time often helped with the realization of interesting concepts, points or things we've missed during our teen time. It's like gambling, teen, you may not have started it,  but you can't stop it and you don't know when it ends until it already did. Mine has now come to an end I suppose, bitter sweet, sour sting, there are people that will remain forever in the past but there are some that we will bring together with us in the life long journey that are yet to come. Mine for an instant, her.

  A regret, a loss.

  An unamendable future in the past.

  

我。。。

  一直以来都很喜欢半夜开着几首流行歌这样写些部落文，但今晚好像没什么灵感。

  毕业后，好多东西都变了。

  人，事，物。

  我。

  这几天蛮多事的。大学来信了，接下来就面试，然后就看结果。关于大学的事已经一遍又一遍地讲过了，有点烦了。

  学校的伴奏，一接下就开始考试，所以就等于还没接吧？关着耳朵等着拿钱的工作。

  人际关系，越来越复杂了。种子发芽得太快。

  人总是太贪心，什么都想要。

"The Pianist" 。。。

  Just finished watching "The Pianist", interesting story about the life of a Polish pianist who suffered the second world war. Though in a different time, the history background is similar with that of Chopin, a time of turmoil. The combination of the scene and the music can really change one's understanding of pieces written by Chopin. Imagination is one thing that is very important to a musician and what makes the different between the One and the others.

  There are always sayings about that Asians lack imagination and a kind of stiffness during the play, I guess the cultural influences are potent. It's not just about education, but the experience.

我承认 。。。

我想你了。。。

Wedding Dinner 。。。

  My second wedding dinner tonight, a bit drunk but still well in control. Not actually drunk, just a little bit too much, dizzy fizzy. A nice gathering with friends and teachers, big and small talks about things in the past and about the future to come. All in all, a wonderful night.

  There are some incidents though, intriguing. First is about combining colored wine and red wine. The effect is astounding. Although it kicks in not as fast as just the single one of them, it nearly brought the whole ceiling down right onto my face. I had an experience during the last wedding dinner with beer and colored wine, well, still ok but today is a little bit out of the line.

  Second though, is not about things but people. Talks brought up tons of memories, reminds me of decisions, choices and that once simple and easy "me". Got up the whole Facebook messenger conversation and realized that it actually did light up and almost burned up. Unfortunately, maybe I was pre-occupied by something else. Always interesting though, to look at old talks and chats. And then the car door opened.

  The last thing would be thinking of my own wedding dinner/ceremony/whatsoever thing people would call it, I would never allowed something like old Chinese traditions to kick in. No wasting money on feeding people I doubt I will ever get to know and having them ignoring the whole ceremony by focusing on the food. Eating is what they came for. Well, at least more than 70% of them thought of that I'm sure. A church, a morning, a pastor, a music, a ring, and oath, a kiss and done. Brunch buffet maybe? Small talks, simple reception, harmonically.

  Time to sleep then. Interesting night.

Blogs 。。。

  Midnight, bumped into that blog of her, interesting, very very interesting.

  It is interesting to read blogs of people you once had an intimate relationship with, not necessarily boy-girl-friend relationship, just anything.

  For the most of them, if you look carefully and thoroughly enough, you can actually see some patterns in it. How everything begun and ended,and seemed unable to stop repeating itself over and over again. Unfortunately that is not the interesting part of it, the interesting part is that although the patterns repeat themselves over and over again, with each repeated patterns, something new will always be added into the compound thus complicating, changing, stirring, catalysing, whatever you would call it, the out come in terms of emotional and mental reactions.

  Whenever something new and unexpected came into the scene, that's a total surprise and to study it is a pleasure that few can understand.

Balance 。。。

  Sometimes, it is very hard to balance between hiding and letting go feelings and emotions towards different people. Every once in a while as a cycle we will sink into the "depths of whatever it is" thing because of some pheromones being released in our brain and begin to think or do something stupid things. For example, what I am doing now.

  Although knowing that all these are bullshits and soon they will be gone, still I'm here writing about bullshits. It's just too messy and complicated recently. And it's even worst that I can't write it here. Maybe I should stop telling people that I have a blog, it used to be a good trick to pick up girls for when they see so many of the romantic son of a bitch writing there they will imagine them to be real. 

  Really tired of writing things metaphorically like I used to be, so a fucking brain-power wasting action. I used to describe a girl using Amber. How the hell did I relate a girl with Amber? Ya, normally Amber has some insects inside of it, it's the fossilized tree resin. So I was saying that the girl was either a huge chunk of dried resin with insects in her heart buried underground for thousands of years and became a huge chunk of transparent shiny stone or the girl was... whatever it is. 

  But for the situation now, I better keep on doing that. Or else the consequences will doom me.

  

I wanted to pour, I wanted to pour,

A sea of fear, an ocean of tears.

Frozen to the heart, thawing thawing I fear.

In the darkest night, storms and storms I hear.


I am the eye of the storm, and passing shall ye not here.

讽刺吧？

  今天写华语吧，像很久很久以前那样。

  刚刚听了几首以前的歌，想了想，有些事，多久了也没改变过。

  “怎么XX了？” 为了应付诸如此类的许多问题，很多不同标准的答案都会事先的准备好，以便不用尴尬地支支吾吾不知道该说什么。当中一部分属实，一部分，是自己给自己的借口。虽然说是借口，也不完全没有根据，只是并不完全。

  但是就算是属实的那一部分，也不完全完全。总有那么一点是不说的。


下雨了，我们一起撑伞，走着，唱着歌。雨水滴滴答答在雨鞋上与心跳同步着，挽着的手紧扣着。不冷了，不冷了，紧紧地靠着，会暖的，会暖的。小心不要着凉了，生病了就不能来这里了。风越刮越猛，雨越下越大，靠得越来越紧，手越来越紧。下着雨，撑伞，走着，唱着歌，手麻了，不能弹琴了。


到最后，不是经不起诱惑，而是承受不住束缚。

  讽刺吧？