Good Bye 。。。

10.36 P.M  31/12/2013.

 

  Few things I'v learned this passing year of 2013,

1) Instead of finding reasons to love, simplicity serves better.

In remembrance of the one I thought would be my Jaina Proudmoore. 

2) A good student prospers because of a good teacher.

In remembrance of the seven years wasted in a street house in the neighborhood. 

3) When expressing affection to a long-time friend, be careful or risk destroying everything.

In remembrance of the one far far away in the north whose name none other know.

4) If you dreamed about having sex with someone, DON'T EVER DISCUSS IT WITH THEM.

In remembrance of the one I discussed the dream with.

5) Sometimes, you just can't do it.

In remembrance of myself in the year 2013,

 good bye.

Guilts 。。。

  There is nothing selfish about this. You take what you willingly gave out back, one way or another. But when the demand to give became too much to bear and the urge to take back became lesser and lesser, the balance is destroyed. But it was not what happened. The urge to take was overwhelming but the fear towards giving grew even stronger. And this was and is, human.

  A happy Christmas day, piano to play, food to enjoy and people to care. Yet after all came to pass, strange sense of guilt filled my very being. 

  As always, a breastplate damaged too bluntly needed no polishes or oil but the hammer and fire of the blacksmith to crush and consume every bits of it and reform it.

  Yet the kind of topic is not something you can talk about when the sun shines and the wind blows.

Seeds 。。。

  It has been a long time since I have written anything here, as to all the things happened recently were either too foul that such secrets should never be revealed or too genuine that it would destroy the image the world had on me.

  Few days ago, in a very peaceful night, despite all that might or might not be of trouble and consequences which no one will ever know, some of my fellow little secrets on the genuine side slipped through the little gap, to the Atlantic far far away.

  I don't mean to change anything other than letting you know about it. I just hope that despite all the distances in between, slowly with time, a more intimate bond can be forged, only until then should we decide the title to which we will announce to the world. Names, Titles were meant for the world to recognize, you don't need one when you are certain that the future will eventually come to pass. We both know too well that for now we have nothing to give and to promises but remember that we have also none to lose. We have time. Future lies ahead, and time rolls as eagerly as always.

  Just, reserve some little space in that heart of yours for the seeds to grow. Whatever the crops will be, leave it in for the Future to decide.

  .  

Such was not what I intended.

  Just a little time, before leaving for the concert. Take a little time for myself, which for a very long time I don't. It seems that sometimes, or just let it be always,

   such was not what I intended.

Yet it came. 

  

  How do I explain the concept of a yes and no relationship while yes and no are still to be discovered? A youngster can never understand the cruelty of war spoken by folks who's concerns everyday now were the flowers and dogs in their backyard. 

  Only when war engines were at their door steps, when the sky rained not of water but blood should they understand it truly. 

  

  Different experiences throughout the years, made the difference. You won't really understand, that I am really sorry.

Prayers 。。。

 

 On this very day, in this very night, under this very light, I pray, to be consumed, destroyed and reborn.
  Whatever it might be, I welcome thee.

生日快樂~

  今天是一位朋友的生日，一位很重要很重要的朋友。沒辦法在身邊一起慶祝，所以希望短短一通電話能夠帶來一點驚喜和快樂，也知道說雖然隔著這麼長的距離，那一份關心還是在的，不管發生什麼事，都會有支持你的人。

  "肩膀"，雖然不能說什麼，因為不在你身邊，也沒辦法做什麼，不過還是會有點不是滋味咯。

  "肩膀"， 這邊有，無任歡迎，給你，不過要等你回來時咯。哈哈哈。

Eyes 。。。

  In your eyes, there were thorns here and there, everywhere. Protruding from within, gladly consuming essences in the chalice of light.

  You cannot move.

  The windows of soul, infested by the past, can no longer turn its gaze away from any which are to come. Thorns spiking up the surface, taking away every last bit of moist that ever existed.

  You cannot cry.

  Inches by inches, numbness spread through the nerves, like nano-probe assimilating the humans, defences were attempted, yet as always, resistance is futile.
 
  You cannot win.

  It is like a mirror, eyes, they reflect. Sometimes the person within, sometimes the other way round.

  Therefore in your eyes, what I saw was actually ...
 

白纸 。。。

  写字、画画时，出错了，与其尝试将错的部分擦去再改正，拿张空白的新纸重新来过似乎比较有建设性，虽然浪费了点，但却省去了越改越错的麻烦，虽然也未必会越改越错，但多一事不如少一事。

  此事在爱情里似乎不是如此。一张空白的纸，是可悲的。它没有任何的指引，不像九宫格，不像单线纸。一笔下去，十之八九歪歪斜斜。

  若把九宫格比喻成经验，单线比喻成为过去，大多数人应该总抢着要九宫格和单线纸，不论是要加在自己身上的还是要寻找它们。

  可惜这诸多理论上，更可悲的是，有太多太多的人，不会，不想，不要，不愿意，不肯，不知道，不屑于，画区区一九宫格。又有太多太多的人，觉得在别人的地平线上建立自己的高楼并不光彩。

  所以我们都喜欢白纸。

晚风吹过，街灯斜照着路人甲，影子依随长发飘着，仿佛是一体，却不是。

下雨天 。。。

 

  淋雨是件幸福的事，特别当世界太过浑浊，道路太过狭隘。一阵雨能把它们通通刷去，留下自己。

  最近常有奇怪的梦，向往着不同的过去，好似宿命论。过去多少的变化都只导向同一个未来，而当未来成为过去，同时间点上的未来也一并改变，开始另一段导向的旅程。一点一点地，杂乱无章的未来集结到一点上，死。
 
  几何化的人生是一三角形，末端，都是死角。

累了？

  安慰的话，听多了，其实很烦，因为已经知道下一句会是什么，但却还是必须一句句听下去。更让人讨厌的是把明明就很烂的情况描述得很美好，什么事都没有一样。这世界很美好，你会没事的，别想太多，以后就会好的。

  更糟的情况还有，在两人都会不开心的情况下，对对方说“你会没事的”，“你会过的很好”。而这道问题是绝对不会有全方位正确的答案的。“是的，没有你我照样会很好。”，“不是的，没有你我不会好”，前者在大部分情况下其实就是事实，但没有人会这样回答；而后者就算是真的，也是问者希望的答复的情况下，到底是为了满足问者心灵上希望被给予肯定的需要，是不着痕迹地逼着答者做选择，还是以一道没有问号的问句来斥责答者对于两人关系所投入的心意呢？

  一次又一次的出现后，其实很反感，他到底是不相信你呢，还是不相信他自己？而一次又一次的出现，让人感觉他其实根本不了解你自己在想什么。“在他心里你就是这样的？”人生经历的不同也许会有影响，但也不是小孩子了。过去不是借口，以前也不会是现在，没有人能永远地玩老鹰抓小鸡只当小鸡。

  为什么，又累了？

《Elysium》

  Elysium, a place where there will be no decease and death, no pain and suffer, a place where everyone will find peace. Well directed and very well played. Inspiring and touching. For he who to save himself sacrificed for everyone. 

  I bet that seldom took it seriously when first on Elysium the officer or something else said that downloading the data would too kill him. Not until the mere end of the story when choices had to be made and again it was announced. A moment so touching when he had to decide whether it will be him or everyone else but him. A setting of he himself pressing the button made the contrast of importance between oneself against the whole humanism even more significant, and by making the decision and having it executed by himself demonstrated a sublimation of mind concept which does not belong to him in the beginning of the story. From the aspect of me getting a life to that of me doing something that would do good to the others. 

  It was very stunning that in the end still he died. Not of radiation nor fatal mission, as which a tragedy would be, neither did he triumph in victory which a comedy would suggest. A nice little trick that would trigger a brainstorm in the brain and too, in the heart. The willingness to sacrifice are always touching, Titanic, Iron Man, Pacific Rim, Avenger or even Despicable Me. But none had been so intense as compared with Elysium, as for in the beginning, He wanted a life. Having one to give up what he had been trying so hard to achieve is extremely difficult and would take a long time to even make the decision. Maybe, it was the movie that we could say it was a setting, but what if it's really our life there and it happened to be that of which a decision has to come. What would we choose? I have my answers.

  Elysium, a movie that magnified a mental loop that almost everyone on earth had before that there are places, things, times, opportunities, futures meant only for the privileged ones. That we can only stay here, on "earth", waiting for what we are unwilling to face, decay and die unwillingly. Despite the fact that it is touching, it is too, inspiring. By minimizing it to our everyday life, Elysium is here, not in the sky but in our brain, a constant reminder that tells us we can't, we won't succeed. Breaking them is the key to our future while compromising descends us to "earth", where darkness stood above light and evil condemns good. 

  May there be light in our life and future to lead us into peace while numerous Elysium appear to testify that in life, there is always hope, but remember, grasp not onto glory and triumph but the efforts and persistence, sees not the Elysium but the path into it.

By Yves, one that once had forgotten what dreams were meant to be. 

梦 。。。

梦，这般真实，撕裂着现实。

只留下淡淡的花香，和一只猫。

还有一点汗水冰凉的后知后觉。


满地的碎片。


在很远很远的地方，有一棵树。

很大很大，大得有洞。。。

树下有过去，未来，很美。

还有很多照片，没有一个人。


终于回来了，珍贵的相册。

等了好久，然后回家了。

靠着机车坐着，突然回来了。


就这样靠着，

是人，不是人，是猫，不是猫。

肩膀上透着汗水，依然冰凉。

笑声依旧徘徊。

你身上的味道，还在。

这里。


但，之后的就对你不重要了。

Amen.

Someone like you 。。。

  A week has passed. Again. Again it will. Again and again.

  Someone like you, a song signifying a failure in the past. A ship wreckage in the maelstrom of time. A fallen angel descending from the sun, its pride and glory, shattered pieces of armor, strong gust of  shame stirring in the atmosphere. The air was dry, its smell, true and condemning. Each and every breath, inhaling all the accuses, could  not deny them, accept them, neither.

  Every too close to the sun, striking heat flaming down every bit of ancient unbroken telepathic feather. Knowing the pain, feeling worthy, blindly feeling. Days after days, it bled dry. Like the great way of Khala, each and everyone were linked together through unknown patterns. There's a risky part in it. That, is the risky part of it.

  One for all, all for one.

  Thus,

  One broken, all broken.


From one point, shattered.

Hi, I'm Yves, nice to meet you.

The point where everything began.

是这样吗。。。？

人生中总会有许多遗憾，有的是别人给的，有的是自己拿来的。

短短的时间，不知道写不写得完，一点点的遗憾。

《突然好想你》，总是这样搅动着过去。


遗憾总是因为“本来可以不用这样的。。。”

“如果当时。。。”


与悔恨又有些许不同，遗憾不伴随着谴责，给自己的谴责。

也不积极地想改变过去。

只是。。。

静静的呼吸，

遗憾的叹息。


若说悔恨像钢铁的烙印，遗憾就像总是突然来袭的阵雨。

不会太久，没有预警。

来了就走，突然间又来了。


可以若无其事的过着不一样的日子，

看着不一样的日落，

但总在某个时刻，路过某个转弯，空气中某个味道，

不会知道的。

过去一幕幕的画面反射着，

在豆大的雨点中。


而每一次淋得全身湿透后，

拖着疲累的身体还是不停的在问着，

为什么那时候的我。。。

就这样。。。

了呢？

补上 。。。

  好久没写了，工作的日子，过得比学校快太多了，转眼间半年就过去了，好多快乐的不快乐的，就这样过去了。这阵子想了好多东西，一点一点，都没时间写下来，今天刚好在朋友家，不错的网速，不错的环境，好好的回忆下吧。

  很久很久以前，曾想过把想到的东西都先写在床旁边的墙上，不过之后发现灵感通常都不是在床旁边弹出来，而是在外出的时候，搭车时，散步时，做爱时。所以结果是墙上到现在都只有一行字，刚好灵感在床旁边跳出来的那一次写的一行字。



  “名字，是什么？”

  小时候，别人叫我“纬纬”，那时我非常活泼，整个世界充满着希望。大一点，“世纬”开始出现了，灰色也慢慢融入了色彩鲜艳的世界。之后之后，有越来越多不同的名字，叫着不同时期的我，因着不同的我，名字也不停地在变。

  但是，是因为不同的我而有了不同的名字，还是因为有了不同的名字才有了不同的我？

  这其实有点像那种先有鸡还是先有蛋的懒趴问题，但，又好像蛮重要的。

  有很多东西，是因为有了名字，才有了力量，才存在。



讲完废话了，太久以前的东西，也没什么记得，也不懂自己在写什么。


  最近，好多事，越长越大，人与人之间，越来越复杂。很多东西都不能写出来，或是太过复杂没办法写。

  越来越多次的爱情，越来越不敢相信，自己眼睛所看到的，一次次的绝望。一段爱情，从一个简单的信念开始，升温，粉碎，然后结束。种种的类型，结果却都一样。放进越多东西，滚烫时越是棘手，粉碎时越是激烈。然后是空洞。

  不知道应该相信什么了。


  曾经以为是一切了，然后粉碎。一切都粉碎。


  是害怕了，害怕再次的粉碎，害怕再次伤害别人，又被别人伤害。


爱极生恨，恨极生悲，悲极而无所为。是累了。



  撇开懒趴一般奇怪的爱情，家庭，似乎不比前者更良好，亦或者正常。

金钱，亲情，如何划分？

二选一，又会选谁呢？

纯粹的亲情，温馨，大爱的重要程度是否大于完整的金钱上的成全？

而亲情，能够当饭吃吗？


在懒趴的世界里，选择金钱的被称为不孝。

但在现实的世界中，没有钱，大家共度患难，同舟共济，万众一心，有福同享，有难同当，没米吃面，没面吃粥，没粥吃番薯，再没吃大便重要呢，还是大家各有各的成就而都能过上好日子重要呢？

  现实一点说，金钱更为重要。

金钱，常是兄弟姐妹间，甚至整个家族间不和的重要元素，亲情与金钱，都太过于重要。

  不好意思，我选择金钱。

“没钱啊，自己想办法。” “自己的未来要自己打算啊。”

  已经长大了，这些事都应该自己负责。的确，自己负责，过后呢？负责不了的部分还是在，然后呢？

  “没钱，自己想办法吧。”

  过分依赖，是病态的，不依赖，也是。

  不能依赖，更是。


常在炫耀着说，我家的孩子都很独立，都能自己照顾自己，先是都不用补习，再来都会做家务，煮饭炒菜，然后就是学校成绩，最后就是奖学金和大学。

  没完没了的炫耀，独立。

 一遍一遍听着，刚开始觉得骄傲，大一点觉得还好，再大一点，想法不同了。

不独立，难道靠你吃空气喝二氧化碳？

不自己来，难道等你来？

我们必须独立。


所以，回到刚开始的问题，是因为有了这环境而造就了我们独立然后有了无谓的炫耀，还是因为我们独立才有了现在的环境和最后无谓的炫耀？

  如果是后者，那还尚且可归功于优秀的基因，大学硕士博士生父母的后代，但若是前者，那就他妈的不关是不是你家孩子的事。

所以，到底有什么好炫耀的？




总是有累了的时候，想抱抱的时候，想静一静的时候。

失败 。。。

10/5/2013

一个一个，像是安排好的。

一字一句，一瞬间，走了火。

不知道歌词对不对。

一条走廊，两对眼睛，三个人。


  续前几天想到的，失败，是个名词，动词，形容词。

  要让一个人感到失败，首先，要有光。


  一道可以从外表上照出所有异样与不寻常的光，

  让人从最基本的行动上清楚看到，失败了。

  但人是固执的，或是说，爱逞强。

  总是不愿相信，如此看到的，就是结束了。


  所以还需要有声音。


  一把来自内心深处，略带疑惑的声音，

  一点一点地侵蚀从古到今建起的地基。

  不像海水，这侵蚀是由内而外的，所谓“金玉其外，败絮其中”。

  不管已是多么严重了，都不愿意承认，都不愿不认输，

  任由何等微小却沉重的一句话持续地冲撞着，等待露出地表。


  “难道真的是 。。。？”


  最后，不知从何而来的，一道轻轻的冲击，把一切推到。

  骨牌效应，一张一张，命运的塔罗牌就这样一齐摊开，

  述说着一些其实从很久以前就已经得知，且再三确认过的事。

  差别是，

  所有建立起来的地基，连带地被摧毁了。

  不是因为那冲击，而是 。。。

  固执？不认输？都不是。

 
  希望，是希望。


  “还有希望”，四个字。

  人们总是这么地相信着。


就像从前有人看见某人弹琴的一瞬间，在内心独自开始的莫名的咏唱，


  “还有希望。“

失落 。。。

7/5/2013

清风落叶，叶黄了。

工作，做工，经历着前所未有的传奇。

人生，太有趣了。

 
  失落，不是当别人做了什么，或说了什么，而是当自己什么也不能说，什么也不能做。

  莫名其妙的平静，不停地问自己，

  “怎么会这样？”


  而空洞，是当所以希望都在一瞬间幻灭，平地起的万丈高楼在眨眼间剩下地基。

  不，地基也被掏空了，多了往下直至地心的深渊。

  里面有个声音在对你微笑。

  在说着这世界的秘密，想听？就必须跌进去。


然后不停地坠落。

对啊 。。。

承认自己真的受伤了，一点也不容易。

暧昧 。。。

刚刚听完杨丞琳的”暧昧“ 。。。

 暧昧，让人感觉美好，最值得怀念，因为当时的双方都不必为对方负任何的责任，重要的，就只是现在。没责任，没压力，一切都那样美好。 

  因为没责任，人就大胆起来，而有了许多天马行空的想法。

  可以欺骗自己说可能某一天的某一个时刻，是会有结果的。

  可以告诉自己说也许时间可以改变一切，天是会下雨的。

  最后还可以用所有的理由说服自己说，这是对的，本来就应该是这样的。

  

  巧遇的一天，学会之前下雨了。

  淋湿了的潮州粥，在时代广场附近。

  缘分的书展，不明不白地有了结果。

  眨眼间，又过去了。

暧昧，让人感觉美好，最值得怀念，因为不管将会发生什么，现在才是最重要的。

尽了，就尽了，结果如何并不重要。

  脑海里，最美丽的，终究不是一个片段，不是一段时光，而是一个画面，还有它勾起的回忆，点点滴滴的过去、

想你的夜 。。。

凌晨的阵雨，淋湿了鬓发，浇醒了寂寞。


  工作，工作，工作，生活。渐渐地，只有在周末，才能这样夜也不睡，一分一秒地等到那个点上，等待灵感涌出来。说耍帅也好，说坏习惯也好，就是要到这种时候，才写得出一些东西。夜晚，世界变得很小，不会有太多声音，或者说，噪音。也该说它变得无限地大，许多不需要的声音都往不同的方向飞去，逐渐失去能量，消失在无尽的夜里。那个时候，地球不是圆的。凌晨的雨声，最美。

  夜，一切都安静了，世界跟着早已设定好的方程式沉入黑暗。研究显示，年纪越大的人类所需要的睡眠时间越短，但睡眠品质却越差。也许，沉睡，并不是让记忆沉淀的好方法。

  喝完了一瓶Mountain Dew 加一瓶 Manager 送的啤酒，一下一下地敲着键盘，打了，删除，再打，又删除。今晚，到底想写些什么呢？


  前几天说的“手”，不知怎么说，是工作时的一点灵感。雨天，空调异常的冷，吹在身上不停地打冷战。当时唯一的的感觉，冷。摸摸自己的身体，脖子，温温热热的。于是开始想着从很久很久以前开始曾经握过，接触过，碰过，擦过，牵过的一双双手。

  牵着一只手，觉得它冰冰的，因为自己的手是温的。若觉得它热热的，因为自己的手是冰的。不同人的手，当然给人不同的感觉，但同样的一双手，却也能够给不同的人许多不同的感觉。这许许多多的“感觉”，帮许多人构成了许许多多的印象碎片和回忆的轨迹。第一次握手，不一定准确的第一印象。握紧了摇两下，充满自信；握。。。啊？完了？这是啥呀？一定不善交际。一次一次的牵手，也勾勒出清晰的记忆画面。XXX日，XXX地，与XXX牵手走过XXX。清晰的画面。

  一个简单的问题，好多好多不同的答案。不单局限在冷热温度的感觉，也包括了其他各种不同的元素。握手，牵手，分手；认识，在一起，说再见。机巧的文字，怎么说都离不开“手”。

  有手的生物，在与另一个体相处时的距离，两者自然而然地有了更多的距离。递个东西，伸个手，完成。母狮子用嘴叼着猎物送到公狮子面前。母鸟用嘴喂食雏鸟虫子。脑袋越发达，个体意识就越强，而个体自身所需要的空间和时间就越发增加。蚂蚁不会得忧郁症，蚊子也不会有精神分裂。

  有着来自不同世界的答案，细细长长，有力，干干的，冷冷的，热热的，厚厚的，有安全感，没安全感，纤细，细腻，不粗糙，有爸爸的感觉？那是啥呀？ 一双手，真的可以告诉我们很多东西。作文里也常说到的"XXX 怎样怎样的双手使我不禁想起XXX 年前的 XXX”。

  安全感，是吗？作文里常说的是“厚重的双手“很有稳重踏实的味道，现实中却不一样。温温的，暖暖的，瞬间的紧握，那叫做安全感。当然有些人就偏爱冰冰凉凉的刺激感。突如其来的冰冻感，整个世界仿佛在一瞬间结冰了，时间也停止了。安宁，平静，明镜水止的平静。

  当然，我们不可能记得每一只手的感觉，久了，自然也就忘了。可能，也许，还记得一点，形状，触感，光泽，一些画面。来自其中一个世界，一个有趣的回复：“忘了，可能因为不在乎了吧。”，的确，是会忘记的，不管是什么事，久了，就会忘了。

  但有些细节，还是忘不了。

  第一次的牵，被牵，手，紧张的心跳声透过接触点传来，微微出汗的手心，渗出对似有似无的未来的期待，春心的悸动，急促的呼吸，无法停止的微笑。不敢说话，哪怕一丝的声响，就会破坏了这一切。暖暖的，湿湿的一双手，不想松开，深怕这就是命中注定的最后一次。被汗水浸湿了的手，软绵绵，掌纹模糊不清，又有点明显，浮现的血管，红通通的手掌，让人觉得一瞬间，某处的猎命师把一件绝世好命降在了彼此身上。

  可惜的是，很多事，第一次只有一次，不像电玩，不像俄罗斯方块，不像写部落，档案不能删除，不会消失，也无法重来。

  牵手，牵的是心中的连结，暖暖的，因为渴望被爱；冰冰的，因为寻求平静。牵手，牵的是心中的期待，心中的无奈。

  今晚，就不打算列表了，没啥意义，列了，也没啥用处。知道的已经知道了，不知道的，不需要知道。



今晚的歌曲是“真的受伤了”和“想你的夜”，还有伴随着夜风而来的阵雨。浇灌着几近失色的瞳孔和半白的黑夜。

Move On 。。。

  I've seen a short video about how a relationship would begin and end, quite impressing, in the means of plotting. It was basically everything from getting to know each other to breaking up and moving on. What's really impressing was that moving on actually too is a part of "a" relationship. Normally, many people will think that moving on after an already broken relationship is an empty gap between two relationship but in that particular video, it was not.

  From the past experience, moving on, is not to forget, but to remember. Remember everything that might upset you, store them up somewhere in the universe. Well, it's a method I discovered but not my way of dealing with it. It might just work for the others.

  A little more explanation, if you are trying to forget something, the answer is don't, for you can't, ever.

  To forget something, practically, you must have peace.

  Peace, as the aspect of acceptance. You must truly believe that even if it does exist, it doesn't matter.

  There was a movie namely... whatsoever, a mathematician from Harvard has the decease called... whatsoever, psychologically he's been having delusion of one of his best friend since university and a Nazi German that got him involved in a big plan. As he began his treatment after discovered by his wife that his friends and a big plan does not exist, he can't take it, he can't accept the fact that so much of his life wasn't even real. And so the treatment failed. Jumped through all the troubles in between, in the end he found that he just have to know that they are just not real, even if they seemed to exist, they didn't. The delusions some times still helped him to solve difficult problems. It turns out that some times what we saw and what we felt were just a mirror of what's inside of us. The delusions were just part of his way of thinking.

  A little summary, not learn to forget, but to accept, and move on.

  Well, all these yes and no, skies and mud, not my way.

  Move on is never my problem, so do memories, I always enjoyed flipping through old memories from the past and try to recall every bit of them that were beautiful. It is very interesting to notice something new every time I did that, something I never had time to peel off from skin to skin and look through everything carefully. Well, not every time, just sometimes. Besides intentionally projecting them in the brain, I prefer memories that would bump up in the middle of nowhere, for example when I was cooking corn bread and that thing bumped up, when the LRT went passed some particular station, something bumped up and etc. And that's another reason why I like to collect small things or books or papers, for they store memories, and they are always the key to those long gone history and way passed corners.

放下 。。。

  So here it is, another ending. No tears of sorrow, no words of return. Just an end. Without tears, without nightmares, it ends. It's interesting that people are able to accept things much easier if it happened and happened, again and again. The ability to adapt, or what we usually called, get used to it, is very amazing.

  The very first time everyone cut their finger, they must have cried. The first time they fell, they must have cried. And on the path of life, again and again, no one ever cries again. Whether it's a neurological or a psychological we don't know, but we know deep inside that crying doesn't change the truth that something's never going to be the same ever again. Therefore as we cried and cried, we stopped. It doesn't change anything.

  Again and again and again, I brought up the conversation, I started it. Why always me? I don't understand.

  Five times in my life, five times.

  People usually think that the one who's been receiving hurts more. And so spears were pointed against the one who's been saying it. Well, we're not Sherlock Holmes, who knows?



  人是奇妙的动物，总在意奇怪的事。放不下，就是其中一项。

  放不下，因为心中还有自认为应该做的事还没做，或是该达成的事还没达成。就和拿杯子喝水一样。一开始，第一口是甜的，之后慢慢转为无味甚至是苦的，然后就是感觉喝够了，最后停止。若是在转为苦之前突然间停止，之后还是会有想喝水的冲动一阵一阵地来。 一件件本来，可能，明明就应该做的事，该有的对话，预期中的浪漫，脑海中美丽的道别。一件一件接在一起，占据了心中一个一个的小坑洞，不时地抛出手榴弹袭击脆弱的心膜。人在执着于一样东西时最主要的原因是它并没有照自己的心愿发展。例如：情窦初开的小两口被封建思想的父母强行分开了，于是两人之间山盟海誓般沧海桑田的伟大爱情从此诞生。但若一切顺利，几年，快的话几个月后，简单的几句话，我们不适合，结束了。男子对心仪的女子穷追不舍，久了，可能不是真有了不可切断的感情，只是沉浸在那种放不下穷追不舍的快乐中，拥有目标总是让人不禁热血起来。不停地挽回，只是觉得,就这样结束了，不值得，还有，“放不下”。

  但其实真正会刻骨铭心的，其实并不是最后得到了原谅或包容，而是不如意的结局。我们会记得的，总会是那个在无尽岁月里拒绝过自己千百次的女孩，无论如何坚决要分手的女孩，无时无刻24小时监控的封建父母，所有的“放不下”。

  放不下的诅咒，解开？有。 有一天，女孩接受你了，终于心软不分手了，改朝换代了，于是，放不下，解开了。

  蛮开心的，一阵子。

  然后发现，目标没了。

  突然间。

  好像一场太大的胜利，太宏伟的成就，太完美的作品。

  然后对一切失去兴趣。

  然后一切颠倒。

  其实并不十分喜欢她，突然自己想分手了，软绵绵政府？

  挑战？

 
   放不下，觉得应该有的都还没有，就结束了，所以留恋，所以牵挂。




  五段话，留给五段记忆，当做结束。放下。


  想象中对于男生的期待，可以不要那么梦幻吗？哈哈哈。

  长期的束缚后，一下的放轻松，一切突然变得太美好，太没实在感了。周围的环境，自身的品质，扭曲的心态和不存在的矜持确定了我们的不可能。无私的付出，不长这个模样。

  反反复复，也许是命运，也许是缘分，人生中总需要些小插曲，短短的，涩涩的，而你，也只是想要个稳定的生活，可惜你什么都不说，什么都藏在心里，甚至连结果也没说。“其实你到底想要的是什么？”，是你问的。这问题恐怕没一个人能够准确的回答，且确定自己的答案在未来不会改变。一页一页翻下去，一篇一篇写到现在，我还不知道。曾经以为，自己找到了答案，可终究不是了，期望落空。恐怕这是要在垂垂老矣之时，才能在孙儿面前炫耀的所谓人生。

  陌生，认识，朋友，好朋友，干妹妹，恋人，然后陌生人。充满有前途的回忆，有白痴睡着的土狗，越轨的拉面店，充满香气的书展，然后那一封信息。虽然到最后，不信任，为这一切画上句点。安全感，是神奇的，没有的人，期待有，但却没办法给予，于是循环的的结果，无。一切来的太快，去得更快，没有时间看清，没有时间解释。太多的猜忌，太多的过去，太多的朋友，太多的友达。一层一层加在一起，太乱了，乱得怕自己看错。也许是我的错，不信任，但模糊不清的界线，实在容易让人误会。当时知道错了，挽回，你拒绝了。我是不是应该不那么诚实，结果就会不一样？ 1月17日，LRT，并不是我没注意到那一天，只是没想到你是那么地在意。2月14日，因为之前的失望，结果变成之后的不在乎？然后慢慢累积累积。打机不得空看电话，理由不算太牵强吧。。。曾经有很多的埋怨，不解和误会，最后看清了。 太多的太多，因为太不成熟。

  你，最认真的一次，自白痴父母那次后，最认真的一次，可偏偏，一次又一次，冷水，冰块，风霜，由头到脚，醍醐灌顶。我有意思，你有意思，你浑然不知。我爱上了，你有意思，你浑然不知。我受伤了，你浑然不知。我失望了，冷淡了，丧气了，生气了，伤心了，哭了，你浑然不知，你浑然不知。我转身了，你爱上了，清醒了，太迟了。2013年1月23日，彻底心碎，不再抱任何希望。有没有发现，那天开始，我不曾说过“我爱你”？要如何才能把一个人的心摧残得连将就将就下都做不到了，我不知道。继续，只是增加自己的痛苦，和将来的你更大的痛苦，于是我开口了。又是我。美丽的回忆，有，不记得了。痛的回忆，有，太多了。关于我们的一切，太痛了，美丽的不美丽的，我把它们一起封了起来，不再打开。差不到一个礼拜就一年，算是尴尬的时间点，等过了周年纪念又太残忍，在那之前又有点美中不足。我知道对你来说，这段关系很重要，可就如我说过的，我们都还不成熟。是我的错。


在对的时间，用对的方式，遇见错的人。

在错的时间，用对的方式，遇见错的人。

在错的时间，用错的方式，遇见错的人。

在对的时间，用错的方式，遇见对的人。

在错的时间，用对的方式，遇见对的人。


不完美，惆怅，但却美丽。

记忆。。。

  忙碌了一天，背着倾盆大雨推开家里木制的大门，门口有双鞋。 会是谁呢？

  放下背包，冰箱正在召唤着饿得可以吞掉东京铁塔的我，毫不犹豫地我打开冰箱，拿起乳白色黏稠稠的液体直灌，管他是挤出来的还是射出来的。

  过一阵，下腹一阵冰凉，些许颤动，肚子好像跟刚刚结束短暂生命的不知名液体联了手来对我不分青红皂白的营养方式提出抗议。无可奈何天生敏感的肠胃，东京血族又一次遭到惨烈的轰炸。

  楼梯间，浴室传来沙沙的水声。

  是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。

  他终于回来了。

  三年零八个月，他回来了。

    

每个暴雨的夜晚，那画面就这样重新在脑海里一次又一次地播放。一次比一次清晰，一次比一次明了。每一次都在提醒着我一个不争的事实，她，不在了。

  他终于回来了，要说开心倒也不是，那是的心情更似于兴奋。无声的脚步倒退下楼梯来到厨房，觉得平时切菜的合式菜刀蛮顺眼的，就选它吧。踏着轻松平常的脚步声上楼，右转进了房间，半身赤裸的他面向窗台吹着口哨，慢慢擦拭着半秃的头。

  闻似《哀歌》的口哨声停顿，没回头，声音的主人问道。

“回来啦？”

“嗯。”

“ 一切都还好吗？你长大了不少。”

“嗯。”

“待会儿有事找你聊聊，今晚没节目吧？”

“嗯。”

  没回头，继续的擦拭。

  一步一步，我慢慢靠近，手上的合式菜刀依旧藏在身后。

  背后，没有预警，没有对峙的漂亮脏话，没有最后的真情告白，我盯着窗台旁姐姐的照片，十一岁，含苞待放的年龄，世界是张白纸的时光。

  顺着每晚睡不着都会重复的词句，加上那三年来每天的练习，我轻声的，开始数着。

  一刀，两刀，三刀，四刀，五刀 。。。

  手上的动作配合嘴上的数儿，《哀歌》的主人由第一声喊叫，到惊恐的回头，到抽蓄的挣扎，到非自主神经反射的抽动，到。。。

  一动也不动。

背后一刀第六节脊椎，从左手开始，往上。右手，往上。肩胛骨，脚趾，往上。

  避开大腿动脉免得失血过多。

  接下来盆骨左上方，四十五度刺入，抽出，上三公分，刺入，抽出，上三公分。

  直到假肋处就停，避开肝脏。右边重来，避开胃部。

  背后，肋骨缝间划开，横纹肌激烈地抽动。

  还有。。。还有。。。

  一刀，两刀，三刀，四刀，五刀 。。。

  一百刀，

  不多也不少，数的干净利落，嘴上手上都是。

  哎呀，怎么忘了录影呢？

  如释重负，我拉来张椅子坐着，开始了有一搭没一搭的有趣对话，虽然都是我在说，他，没

在答，也答不了。

  “真高兴你回来了，这些年都在盼着今天能跟你重圆呀。”

  “怎么刚刚看你表情好像有点惊讶啊？”

  “学校的烹饪比赛我可是年年第一哦，蛮值得骄傲的吧？”

  有一搭没一搭良久，慵懒地浴室里放干血水后，搬出空置在床底下的鱼缸，啊，忘了一件事，虽然放了一百刀，这首《哀歌》还是出奇的完整哦。

  防腐用的福马林一般要在放血后用静脉通入血管里，可在这艺术的造就下，静脉就有点美中不足了。干脆用浸的吧，虽然贵了点。

  一桶一桶的福马林，不久《哀歌》就像小时候养的金鱼一样在”福“海里漂浮不定了。不时稍微搅动一下，搅动一下，搅动一下。

  好像全部渗透了，金鱼死了，就该捞出来啦。

  好多回忆啊，关于他，还有金鱼。小时候，他常常带着我们逛鱼店，吃完饭就逛鱼店。一条条的金鱼来了又去，死了，腐了。那时我还常和金鱼说话，当然，他们也和现在的他一样，没答，也答不了。

  墙上一瓶瓶密封了的金鱼缸，它们还在游动，不，将就的说，浮动吧。

  当然，《哀歌》不可能屈身住金鱼缸的，以后心情不顺时还要多找他聊呢，毕竟是亲骨肉，彼此的心境，或多或少也比较能够了解。

  血浓于水，对吧？

  那要看过了才知道。

  三年前的早上，姐姐十一岁的生日，上了车，他说是带她去买生日礼物。

  消失了。

  永远的消失了。

  一个星期后的《美好世界报》头条：女孩遭暴，弃尸荒山。

  他，没有一句话，没有一个字，再过一个星期，也消失了。

  永远消失了。

  早餐便当上留着字条，“我会回来的。”

  墙上，有工匠凿上了的大洞，镶上了玻璃，里面有椅子，桌子，装潢。

  停不下手，赶紧将《哀歌》抬进去摆好姿势并固定好，在喷上一层“护肤品”，免得待会儿不小心搞砸了。

  决定良久后，食指与中指逆旋着开关，咔嚓，滚烫的液态玻璃注入墙里。

  慢慢地，注满。

  一时间房里好热，是呀，那是仇恨的热，复仇的火焰，无尽的热。

  冷却。

  好了。

  “爸，聊天吗？”

  

THE END.

No 。。。

  有没有想过，if everything did not happen, would you still make the same decision? 如果没有那一次的来电，或许很多事都会更美好。忍耐，忍耐，结果还是在忍耐，互相地忍耐。If everything did not happen, would it be a lot more better for both of us? It might be. I really think that maybe it's time to make some changes, towards the good or the bad, no one knows. I once thought that what I long for was a pure heart and easy mind but in the end I find that it wasn't what I want, neither do the one I found.

Crucial talking, left to rot, why I'm always the bad guy?

  Why is it wrong to give up?

  Why is it wrong to let down and let go?

  Why is it wrong to say I'm sorry?


  怎么你声音变得冷淡了？

  是我变了，是我变了。

It's not that I fall for others or I feel bored.

I always find the question and tries to solve it.

I have always failed to.

And then I gave up.

And everyone calls me a bad guy.

For giving up.

For knowing the question and trying to solve it.


Turning off the lights, I see dreams, those that were beautiful and with future.

Everyone of them, each and everyone of them.


Too much hope and believe, every time, each and every time of it.



I had a dream,

Where I could be save and sound.

Sleep in the embrace of the goddess.

Die under the sign of sols.

Warm and full.



I don't know how to walk again, on foot.

My limbs were torn apart like chains.

Every veins were crushed into inches and inches.

I can't walk again.


Who torn  my legs?


I need some rest.



I need more dimensions to mend wounds from the past and in the past.

The situation is bad, the wounds are not healing.

Drowned in the never ending river, it is coming.

A little sip 。。。

Little by little, sip by sip,

Down goes the water flow.

Day by day, drop by drop.

An empty glass and beyond.

More and more, pain and cane,

One will suffer, and one will dement.

And then,

You know.

Yves's Log, 24th FEB 2013

Yves's Log, 24th FEB 2013

  I'm going to start working soon. Kinokunia. A totally new environment for me, new job, new people, and new challenge. I know that its time t choose my song for the university audition. Things to learn are getting more and more, music, is not so simple.

  A small thing happened few days ago, my friend and I were having different opinion towards a particular song. It was very different.

  The past few months with my teacher have changed many of my way of thinking in music, its a breakthrough.

  After seeing so much of the wonders in music, it is now very hard for me to really believe that I am able to reach that standard in just a few years time. Life as a pianist is not easy though. Unlike business, Law, Accounting,Finance, what you have to do is just memorize and write it out and you have your scores, you do whatever which will be the same thing everyday and you will have your salary blown up to ten grands in ten or fifteen years time. Ten grands, not much yet not least. You cant own a bungalow with that yet won't ever be starving. Life of music, time spent does not guarantee success or wealth, it's about time, but not time.

A day 。。。

  Things between us have changed a lot today. One who upsets the balance of nature will have themselves killed. It was oblivious that a relationship was build out of trust and with trust it prospered. One that was  unable to give trust does not deserve a relationship.

  I hate blogs now, for people will know what I was after, what I longed for and what I wanted to be. It's really hard when I have to care about so many things just whenever I wanted to write just something. Thus, I'm going back to my old style.


Thus the wind blows, shattered mirrors.

Memories of the old, like Titans they mourn.

Sacred love enthroned, deep lies it is.

Laughter or slaughter, let none be the answer.

Choice has to be, chosen or forsaken.

Minds could not be linked, differences have always been.

A treatment the same, clothing may vary.

Glacial spikes, everything's frozen.

I'm a wizard out of mana, a vampire craving for blood.

Unable to cast spells, vulnerable to the sun.

"Ever" is the mother of God, fuck it up.

I'm tired.

I'm thirsty.

I need a cup of latte.

Blow 。。。

  每个人一生，都会有一幅代表真爱的画面，有可能很美，有可能很惨。有问过许多的人，活着这期间里最美最浪漫的一刻是什么时候，得到的答案都很奇怪。奇怪的不是内容，而是表达与记忆的方式。听着不同人叙述的那一刻，大多有几个共同点。

1)周围景物的描述多过于人物的描述。
2）

                                                                                     

  Blah~Blah~Blah~ These are not what i was going to write today. It is so fun to play with the toys, imitating them, grow their confidence, make some co-incidents, turn them over and crush them.

  Noticed that if a person was bound by the thought that " this is fate", it is so easy to manipulate their minds again and again for they themselves will make the conclusion way before it even occurred. And the " what it used to be will forever be" mind set is deep inside of them.

  If there were emotional bond in between at the same time, you can't stop the fun! For feeling is as glue, sticky and dicky. The moment they realized that they can't let go, is the time the work being perfectly done.

  Human, can so easily befallen by the power of feelings, in another words, loneliness. In the very beginning, feeling is a feeling, they wanted to feel important, cared or taken by someone or something. It was fun seeing the same thing happening again and again around you. First they were lonely, then they look for one, get rid of loneliness, not long after that, again they suffered from it again. So Addictive. So Fun.

  This post were meant to be disgusting.