Sadness 。。。

  For ages I've closed my door, for ages I don't believe in love, for ages I don't know what is comfort. Now I do, and I wish I still don't. A shut down door is always better than a opened one with no one coming in. Many things just don't exist if we don't believe they do. Hell is frightening because Heaven is just inches away.

  "Promise me that you won't leave me again."

  "I promise."

  And you break it.

  It's what hurt the most.

  Betrayed.

  All the times we had, I've never heard you complained about things, never heard you say you are not happy with this with that. And suddenly one day, just burst out. I was shocked and confused. Later hurt and drowned. Yes it's my fault that I don't understand your feelings but how am I going to know if you just don't say it? Or even hinted a bit? 

  It's a cut, you made on my heart.

  Maybe it's about experience, to know that to maintain a relationship is to deal with the problems, not to change either one to compromise it and when everything is falling apart, leave. Maybe one day you will finally realize this. But what good does it make to me? I've lost you. Already.

  Consider, one last time.

  On this day, my eyes bled dry, my veins mourned, for what we could have been.

KAMEHAMEHA 。。。

  The last post was about emotions and internal feelings, this will be about complains or perspective I suppose. Am I really wrong?

  Knowing well enough that men and women are different in every way and tried to compensate those factors to full extent yet the efforts are just constantly not enough. Every time there are flaws in the shield layers.

  How is it possible for me to remember everything I've said to an extent like cutting my hair? Saving time for outing? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? And should a grown up person being jealous about those small things? And if I were to forget, can't I be reminded? Why everything have to be on my head? Saving up everything inside, not telling, no signalling and then one hell of a burst. Not dealing with the problem, just messing up everything and ruining the sanctuary.

  For how many times I had the same reason for breaking up? Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving,  Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving 。。。

  KAMEHAMEHA~~~~~

  Sometimes I really don't know what are the standards and what aren't.

A Night to Grieve 。。。

  This is a night to grieve, 是个哀悼的夜晚， in remembrance of an important person in life. 纪念着一个重要的人。

  A year ago, the same day, in a stair well I met this little one that was so interesting I couldn't compel myself to lift the pedal and let the sounds go off. So on and on those notes, flying around the hall, bouncing around creating harmonies never before heard. Although through time, vibrations will wear off, but even the slightest of the remaining sound created such beauty of melody that wouldn't pale before the Seven Sins.

  And so the composer decided to take down the notes and spread it wide around the world. So he went to buy papers, quills, ink, staff roller, piano, everything that were necessary, everything. 

  The next morning, they were gone, literally, gone. Nothing moved, the well stared at me like the eye, consuming what was to be divine. Everything just stopped.

  Slowly dying away.

  Little by little.

  Including the composer.

  Me.

  Diminuendo.

  Yves.

Status 。。。

  Posted some status yesterday night and was asked about it. It's surprising that narrating an incident from the past can trigger so big an emotion fluctuation. It's like living it out again in the parallel universe. And so came some news that weren't expected, that everything wasn't real at all. That might lead to greater anger and disappointment if proved to be true. 

  After all these losses, I now truly begin to understand what it means to be a teenager. It is to learn the ways of dealing with people, things, emotion or even relationship, with failure. If everything were smooth and the world did not crumble, I wouldn't be me now. It's crucial that we know what we've lost are worthy of what we've learned but the last thing to do would be trying to calculate the loss and gain and try to balance it with explanation we made up for ourselves.  

  One thing that is important for a teenager is the ability to differentiate lust driven feelings and archetypal feelings. As a teen under development, unstable hormones release have always influenced our judgement. Feeling in love is actually caused by a release of hormones in our brain but even if we have the knowledge from scientific researches, controlling it was never easy. 

  Beginning to step into adulthood, thinking back in time often helped with the realization of interesting concepts, points or things we've missed during our teen time. It's like gambling, teen, you may not have started it,  but you can't stop it and you don't know when it ends until it already did. Mine has now come to an end I suppose, bitter sweet, sour sting, there are people that will remain forever in the past but there are some that we will bring together with us in the life long journey that are yet to come. Mine for an instant, her.

  A regret, a loss.

  An unamendable future in the past.

  

我。。。

  一直以来都很喜欢半夜开着几首流行歌这样写些部落文，但今晚好像没什么灵感。

  毕业后，好多东西都变了。

  人，事，物。

  我。

  这几天蛮多事的。大学来信了，接下来就面试，然后就看结果。关于大学的事已经一遍又一遍地讲过了，有点烦了。

  学校的伴奏，一接下就开始考试，所以就等于还没接吧？关着耳朵等着拿钱的工作。

  人际关系，越来越复杂了。种子发芽得太快。

  人总是太贪心，什么都想要。

"The Pianist" 。。。

  Just finished watching "The Pianist", interesting story about the life of a Polish pianist who suffered the second world war. Though in a different time, the history background is similar with that of Chopin, a time of turmoil. The combination of the scene and the music can really change one's understanding of pieces written by Chopin. Imagination is one thing that is very important to a musician and what makes the different between the One and the others.

  There are always sayings about that Asians lack imagination and a kind of stiffness during the play, I guess the cultural influences are potent. It's not just about education, but the experience.

我承认 。。。

我想你了。。。

Wedding Dinner 。。。

  My second wedding dinner tonight, a bit drunk but still well in control. Not actually drunk, just a little bit too much, dizzy fizzy. A nice gathering with friends and teachers, big and small talks about things in the past and about the future to come. All in all, a wonderful night.

  There are some incidents though, intriguing. First is about combining colored wine and red wine. The effect is astounding. Although it kicks in not as fast as just the single one of them, it nearly brought the whole ceiling down right onto my face. I had an experience during the last wedding dinner with beer and colored wine, well, still ok but today is a little bit out of the line.

  Second though, is not about things but people. Talks brought up tons of memories, reminds me of decisions, choices and that once simple and easy "me". Got up the whole Facebook messenger conversation and realized that it actually did light up and almost burned up. Unfortunately, maybe I was pre-occupied by something else. Always interesting though, to look at old talks and chats. And then the car door opened.

  The last thing would be thinking of my own wedding dinner/ceremony/whatsoever thing people would call it, I would never allowed something like old Chinese traditions to kick in. No wasting money on feeding people I doubt I will ever get to know and having them ignoring the whole ceremony by focusing on the food. Eating is what they came for. Well, at least more than 70% of them thought of that I'm sure. A church, a morning, a pastor, a music, a ring, and oath, a kiss and done. Brunch buffet maybe? Small talks, simple reception, harmonically.

  Time to sleep then. Interesting night.