油燈 。。。

我們是燈芯，承受著燃燒，
一點一點地焦黑，
沒有發現油原來已竭。

你說的很認真，
似乎經不起一點折磨。

直到燒盡了才發覺，
已經干了。

醋 。。。

02:08 a.m
58°陳年二鍋頭，
劉德華，冰雨。

"我是在等待一個女孩,
還是在等待沉淪苦海?"

面對著，有很多不能說的。
因為沒有資格。

感情，還是一樣，
先認真的就輸了。

不說明白的不停利用，
說明白了的光明正大，
實質上其實並沒有太大的差別。

知道被玩了還不願意醒，
知道只能是朋友還願意繼續等待，
因為一罈子油都已經倒了下去了，
怎麼都應該等它燒完吧。

打破詛咒似乎說得一次比一次亮麗，
聽了只能默默地笑一笑。

透過層紗看著世界，
少了吸引力，
不斷地奔馳狩獵，
看不到在背景中，
靜靜站著平衡著一切的他們。

不斷地憧憬參與的過程，
然後在有一天，
刺眼的光環逝去了，
卸去了華麗的外衣，
經歷著迷失。

他們，
依然還在。

一罈子油燒著燒著，
能燒多久?

愛，
歷經著半衰，
鍵結在崩壞。

Yves.

妳們 。。。

是誰?

擁有了我的誇張，
取走了我的徽章，
留下我獨自離去。

一步一步，妳們離我而去，
是不是報應?

一點一點，我失去了我，
有沒有盡頭?

明天還有明天，
昨天還有昨天，
我，什麼也沒有。

啊，怎麼又累了?

記憶中的風吹在臉上，
感覺是騙你的。
輕拂的其實是頭髮，
冰涼的是那顆心。

天秤是否該沉睡，
把今天鎖起來?

為什麼用明天逼我?

身與心是垂直的，
天秤是水平的，
妳們別再逼我了，

好嗎?

遠，近，很近，
好像是一陣風。
呼一聲走了，
不留痕跡。

一分鐘就消失的曾經，
打消的念頭，
是否害怕留下什麼?

委婉的道歉，
那把柄就是刃的短刀，
打開缺口，
毒不停往里灌。

是動心，是痛醒?

我能說什麼呢?

天秤，能說什麼呢?

背影 。。。

好久沒有擁抱，
生命逐漸失焦，
不停嘶聲吼叫，
隨著過去泛黃。

器滿則傾，
而今已找不到可承載的身軀，
空流熱血滿腔，
夕陽朝朝暮暮，
皆為虛空。

背影，
我看到自己的背影，
影子，
我成了影子，
安靜地跟隨。

Yves.

True Love Waits 。。。

  工讀中，今天大學聯考試，沒公文，忙裡偷閒，也不知道想寫些什麼。

  Hand written journals are much more relieving than anything We can possibly do here. Especially for people with a bad handwriting like me. 

  Beautiful sparks formed as two cultures collided. Although all are Chinese, we are totally different, thoughts, habits, origins. Being submerged into an alien culture, it is very difficult to not being assimilated. Despite having no relation to the Borg's assimilation, We feel that step by step, something's changed. 

  We are uncertain whether it's of maturity or cultural differences, some say it's just the Taipei-st, people's reaction to certain situations and and their way of making friends are very annoying. Being an idealist and a Libra seeking balances in everything, bitches and whores enforcing evil plots are other-worldly beings.

  A side effect after living in Taiwan for nearly six months is that it's getting harder and harder to think solely in English. Everyone talk to themselves in their own voices in the head and according to researches, what we think with can influence how we think and the result. This is something We wouldn't want to give up. And too the accent, American-Taiwan-Hokkien-glish is really killing me. 

  Things about relationship drifted further and further away feeling like a life time ago, We can finally understand what our siblings used to say. It was a time with hills and bumps, mist and crust, a path we chose to follow. 

  True Love Waits.

Yves.

梦 。。

  最近睡得越来越少，梦得越来越多，越来越真实。

  捷运，琴房，浴室，校园。


天凉了，心还是热的。

忍着痛掏出来给你，

依偎着，

是不是就会更暖一些？

一夜的嘶吼，

发现你其实并不在意，

遗忘在2D琴房下的鞋印。


风，

吹凉了心，

依依不舍最后的搏动，

还听得见脚步声，

一步步远去，

一句句还是朋友。

然后沉默。


雨不停地下，

一把把伞腼腆地笑着，

五彩缤纷的图腾，

无关顶上无奈的霜。


是否，

只能默默地掩饰那需要被哭诉的眼泪，

苦中带咸地浇灌着檐下的花，

似乎只有她们，

从来，

不撑伞。



Yves.

  Another late night blog for me, a bad performance, an unexpected trip to the night market, an unexpected thought struck me.

  The very same track, when the same breeze hit you on the face but in a very different night, you will begin to think, what's changed? Almost just one month ago, yet it felt like a life time ago. Isn't it complicated? Human life. What's changed?

  Most of the time, people seek spiritual shelter instead of a real two-way emotional connection with one another, a huge delusion when people thought that they've fallen for someone. There are no real ways to know when is which or which is which, only time. But time hurts, as it goes on.

  Every decision we have made is a sealed deal, brood an endless trail of consequences, how could we not regret for many or some of them when it could have been different?

  Sometimes I regretted breaking up with some of them for there were still some preciously good things when it happened.

  There're more and more I can never mention here.

  How long more will I be coming back for this?

  I wonder.

Yves.

潮起潮落 ...

  So long after the day I left my little room. Sitting now in front of my desk, listening to that very same song I had the night before I left.

  So many things happened in just two months. I've found myself new friends and challenges. And a new perspective towards relationships. A  very interesting thing is that many of us actually forget the ultimate target of a relationship is marriage. For so long we've ignored this fact, purposely.

  Having no computer, I wrote many of my thoughts in the little book that came with me from Malaysia. I can now tell why many people still preferred recording their life and thoughts through black and white to digital form. The sense of relief is totally different. Also the freedom to shout out is different.

  Still the very same thing, someone will be reading this, think of something and react. Even when we were writing this, we kept something to ourselves.

  潮起潮落,海浪一波接一波,帶來的是大海無限的可能.

  海水慢慢地推,慢慢地推.

  好舒服的日光浴.

  漲潮了,一切都沉在水底,看似那麼美好,平靜.

  海水慢慢地退,慢慢地退.

  悄悄地把一切吸走.

  退潮了,一切沒了,有人擱了淺,有人退了走.

  留下的,是沙,是石,是真實.

  留下的,是應該珍惜的.

  雖然,好痛.

Yves.

一路顺风 。。。

终于，一天一天，终于。。。我要走了。

  慢慢地逼近，一个个地方都是最后一次去了，一个个人都是最后一次见了。

  离别，总是还没准备好就到了。

  每次离开一个地方，跟自己说，是最后一次来了，心里就紧了一下。生活在一个地方，很多回忆就像船底的贝类一样附着着，跟着。当船要上岸进行清理，为下一个旅程进行准备时，很多的回忆都会被硬生生地刮下来。随着日子一天一天逼近，心上的贝类也依次地被无情地刮落。

  收拾着房间，发现，原来发生了这么多。翻着一本本簿子，一张张卡片，一份份礼物，好多回忆搅动着，原来，错过了这么多。

Feelings 。。。

  And this is not about anything, just mixed feelings.

  Happy for the time is coming.

  Sad for the time has passed.

  Stressful for what is to come.

  Relieved for what has already gone.

  Angry for missing it.

  Glad for ... I've forgotten how to be glad.

  Or grateful,

  Or pleased.

  Or peace.



Yves.

 

Suddenly 。。。

  Today, more precisely yesterday, it's now midnight, marked my last performance in Malaysia before I leave for Taiwan. All things will come to an end. Four years of services really taught me lots of things.

  Speaking of ending, it is just a preparation for another beginning. Simple it might seem, no one can really define ending.

  After all these years venturing through different relationships, I finally found out the why some people couldn't bare being single, or say alone. It comes when early morning in your toilet sitting on your toilet bowl, suddenly you have no one to send just one message; when deep in the night on your sofa counting sheep, suddenly you have no one to send just one message; when the world keeps on spinning and there you stand, suddenly you have no one to send just one message. The thing starts right after you realize the truth. It's like a hole and suddenly you have no one to send just one message.

  Few things you can do, one, find someone to fill up the space, two, find something to fill up the space, three, wait for the hole to close up after like a thousand years.

  Just tired.

 

就这样。。。

  就这样，短短的，像往常一样不戴眼镜，手指自然地敲着。

  短短的，就这样，结束了。到底是为了逃避还是为了面对。

  听着同样一首歌，每次都是同一首歌，到最后已经记不清是哪一天，哪件事，哪个人。

  没有一贯的情绪波动，没有历来的翻来覆去，一切都太不真实。

 
  好像一场梦。


  这决定到底正不正确，值不值得，已经不重要了，因为它已经成为过去。可悲的，是没有留下任何的痕迹。还未落地的叶就已经枯萎，还未盛开的玫瑰就已经凋零。更可悲的是不仅仅是没有在世上留下一点痕迹，在心上也烙不下一块印记。

  烙下的印会烫，割开的伤会疼，可这像流沙般柔顺的时间，要怎么去回忆？握紧双手，就走了。

  有些人，不该遇见；有些人，本该遇见。

  有些人，就应该杀掉。

When 。。。

Speaking of what do I like,


  I like it when I look into your eyes, I see thoughts as pure as water; when I sniff onto your hair, on my eye lids I see peace.

  I like it when I rest my head on your shoulder, I can close my eyes; when I finally open, you're always right beside.

  I like it when missing someone is just for the sake of missing, I can put away obligations, titles and wards; when I say the words, comes together no manacles and chains.

  I like it when I play that little song from Mayday, I see your reflection on the piano,smiling, as if nothing have changed.

  I like it when when the house is empty, I can mourn for those who existed only in the past; when I cry, silent is there to comfort.

  I like it when the night is high and the moon hides, I shower from no light but dark tides; when I let the screen's piercing light through my eyes, I know what to type.


  You like ... We will never know.


All in all, I seek a heart I will never again have, which is pure, a place I will never again be, where I can stand and say " Hey, is that the manager? LOL."

Ballade 。。。

  Chopin Ballade in g minor, Op. 23 still ringing in my head.

  Had been thinking of strange things lately. Things I cannot say. Causes, consequences. Choices. Concerns.

  Just like the music.

 

 

Butterfly 。。。

  Hey, Hi there. It's me. Not sure if you're still out there to see, just happen to have something to say.

  Although this might be fate, exactly a year precised to day, like a curse. Kept from the light, to the world we never existed. Still fresh and new, 22th March, cookies on the bus, where everything began. Romantic, Lunatic, Wild. The smell on your hair, the sense of your touch. It hurts, waking up knowing it was just another dream after many many of them.

  Time flew like a butterfly, carried away your passion and serenity.  

  That day on that bridge, was the moment closest to human I've ever had.

  Unfortunately, we were never meant to be anything more. 

  Or say faith was lost. 

  Youth, a time when everyone was blind, foolish yet pure.

  When eyes spark of excitement and anticipation. 

  To be devoured and consumed, willingly. 

  

  One more word and I'll be doomed. The rest shall be kept in the little journal that no one will ever get to read. 

  Just regrets and all. It could have been different.

  It could have been.

Yves

Fear 。。。

  Buzz killing feelings. The good thing about being miserable is that anything worse won't bring much surprise. Yet who would prefer to be miserable forever? Although bad things weren't meant to happen. They do happen.

  It's been peaceful recently, everything is smooth, everything is fine. Just too fine.

  Glass can be pretty solid, hard to break. But once there's a crack, you can break it into half just by a little push. There was a experiment on cracking a human skull, scientists tried everything they know with nothing positive. At the end it was a tiny little seed which finished the job. By planting it on top of the skull and once it blossomed the force cracked the entire skull.

  It seems that always looking out for that little waiting-to-grow seed is the utmost important thing to do, but making sure that we are not the ones planting them is even more important.

  Been talking to friends yesterday about when relationship outliving love. When being together just for the sake of being together. Although so weird a situation, they thought it was totally fine.

  It is a fear deep inside that something might go wrong and screw everything up. That fear.

                                                                                                                                 

  Sometimes one having lots of experiences is good but sometimes, it entangles, slows, frightens.



Yves.

Facts 。。。

  A long day left behind. Home now, sledging on my couch, without my glasses. It seems that I tend to be more emotional without them. 

  An idea came to mind on the taxi just now. Is remembering everything in a relationship an obligation for those involved? Although everyone knows that no one can remember everything perfectly, still they feel disappointed when something that was expected to be remembered wasn't. That's the point where everything began. "I thought I've told you before?".

  The interesting part is that people would apologize for that, feel guilty and even sad for that despite knowing the fact, that no one is perfect. 

  The need to feel important through occupying places in others' mind is very important to human beings. It also helps human beings seek their own value and existence. Feeling being forgotten or overlooked is like a crushing blow to it especially when in a relationship, He/She is everything and everything. 

  It's a fact that relationships were tore down bit by bit silently through small and simple things. It happened a lot in the past. Still not sure how to deal with it.

  Many say that growing up means that you begin to care less and feel less, impacts and changes becomes less destructive. Like the dragon's tongue, you cannot lie with it, but you can choose which side of the truth to tell. The truth is, growing up means that you begin to know that there's a reason for everything and be able to accept it.

Yves.

11.52 p.m 。。。

  Well it's 11:52 p.m now, it's been a long two-day time with friends, interesting chit-chat, great time recalling those timeless years. 

  Were asked this question frequently recently, "How many more times can we sit down like this and just talk and laugh?" You see we don't really ask these kind of question in high school. Those were days when we thought that time is something only thing we have too much, when all seemed too far away. It's interesting that about situations and circumstances, good or bad, were often decided after the event not before. So the question is what difference does it make to the future if it has already past? Good or bad? Some would say it's to be an experience or record for future judgement and decision. But then the recorded human history has been at least 5000 years, why is human not perfect yet?

  Time to go, I've only a shower time. Gute Nacht.

Yves

  

Train of Thoughts 。。。

  Today on the bus, I thought of so many things, things that I shouldn't be thinking about, things that might be another prime factor of the future.

  Those so-called "contemporary" songs they produce nowadays are so contagious and dangerous. The aim is already not to explore and introduce the essence of music but just to easily bring people into the specific emotional state that they will invoke by themselves everything else that is necessary. Though this success should not be overlooked but the harm it brings is too vast. People make bad decision when they're upset, down, emotionally unstable and ruin the good things in their life.

  I should be more careful next time.

在一起 。。。

  又过去几天了，短短的一个周末，好多东西改变了。

  短短的三天两个晚上，深深地，不知道是羡慕还是嫉妒。一家人在一起，就算是一起躺着什么也不做也是一种奢侈。一家人开开心心地吃饭，没有仇恨，是很幸福的事。那天晚上坐在位子上，一边吃着就在想，平凡的生活，还真是幸福。

  第二天的早上接到一封信息，还真的以为是在做梦。

  曾经幻想过很多次，不同的情况，不同的方式。没想到，就这样发生了。已经不记得是从哪一个点上，开始有着那种感觉，那至少这次要记得是在这个点上，本来在至少十年后才可能会发生的事奇迹性的穿越时空来到现在，然后发生了。（31/05/2014，凌晨 06:38 )

  难得的一次机会，希望不会以失败告终，希望，我们已经足够成熟来面对。