Fear 。。。

  Buzz killing feelings. The good thing about being miserable is that anything worse won't bring much surprise. Yet who would prefer to be miserable forever? Although bad things weren't meant to happen. They do happen.

  It's been peaceful recently, everything is smooth, everything is fine. Just too fine.

  Glass can be pretty solid, hard to break. But once there's a crack, you can break it into half just by a little push. There was a experiment on cracking a human skull, scientists tried everything they know with nothing positive. At the end it was a tiny little seed which finished the job. By planting it on top of the skull and once it blossomed the force cracked the entire skull.

  It seems that always looking out for that little waiting-to-grow seed is the utmost important thing to do, but making sure that we are not the ones planting them is even more important.

  Been talking to friends yesterday about when relationship outliving love. When being together just for the sake of being together. Although so weird a situation, they thought it was totally fine.

  It is a fear deep inside that something might go wrong and screw everything up. That fear.

                                                                                                                                 

  Sometimes one having lots of experiences is good but sometimes, it entangles, slows, frightens.



Yves.

Facts 。。。

  A long day left behind. Home now, sledging on my couch, without my glasses. It seems that I tend to be more emotional without them. 

  An idea came to mind on the taxi just now. Is remembering everything in a relationship an obligation for those involved? Although everyone knows that no one can remember everything perfectly, still they feel disappointed when something that was expected to be remembered wasn't. That's the point where everything began. "I thought I've told you before?".

  The interesting part is that people would apologize for that, feel guilty and even sad for that despite knowing the fact, that no one is perfect. 

  The need to feel important through occupying places in others' mind is very important to human beings. It also helps human beings seek their own value and existence. Feeling being forgotten or overlooked is like a crushing blow to it especially when in a relationship, He/She is everything and everything. 

  It's a fact that relationships were tore down bit by bit silently through small and simple things. It happened a lot in the past. Still not sure how to deal with it.

  Many say that growing up means that you begin to care less and feel less, impacts and changes becomes less destructive. Like the dragon's tongue, you cannot lie with it, but you can choose which side of the truth to tell. The truth is, growing up means that you begin to know that there's a reason for everything and be able to accept it.

Yves.

11.52 p.m 。。。

  Well it's 11:52 p.m now, it's been a long two-day time with friends, interesting chit-chat, great time recalling those timeless years. 

  Were asked this question frequently recently, "How many more times can we sit down like this and just talk and laugh?" You see we don't really ask these kind of question in high school. Those were days when we thought that time is something only thing we have too much, when all seemed too far away. It's interesting that about situations and circumstances, good or bad, were often decided after the event not before. So the question is what difference does it make to the future if it has already past? Good or bad? Some would say it's to be an experience or record for future judgement and decision. But then the recorded human history has been at least 5000 years, why is human not perfect yet?

  Time to go, I've only a shower time. Gute Nacht.

Yves

  

Train of Thoughts 。。。

  Today on the bus, I thought of so many things, things that I shouldn't be thinking about, things that might be another prime factor of the future.

  Those so-called "contemporary" songs they produce nowadays are so contagious and dangerous. The aim is already not to explore and introduce the essence of music but just to easily bring people into the specific emotional state that they will invoke by themselves everything else that is necessary. Though this success should not be overlooked but the harm it brings is too vast. People make bad decision when they're upset, down, emotionally unstable and ruin the good things in their life.

  I should be more careful next time.

在一起 。。。

  又过去几天了，短短的一个周末，好多东西改变了。

  短短的三天两个晚上，深深地，不知道是羡慕还是嫉妒。一家人在一起，就算是一起躺着什么也不做也是一种奢侈。一家人开开心心地吃饭，没有仇恨，是很幸福的事。那天晚上坐在位子上，一边吃着就在想，平凡的生活，还真是幸福。

  第二天的早上接到一封信息，还真的以为是在做梦。

  曾经幻想过很多次，不同的情况，不同的方式。没想到，就这样发生了。已经不记得是从哪一个点上，开始有着那种感觉，那至少这次要记得是在这个点上，本来在至少十年后才可能会发生的事奇迹性的穿越时空来到现在，然后发生了。（31/05/2014，凌晨 06:38 )

  难得的一次机会，希望不会以失败告终，希望，我们已经足够成熟来面对。

沉淀 。。。

  忙完了电影，一直到今天才有机会静下来沉淀一下。

  虽然说票房大好，反应热烈，但是以本身是制作团队一员的角度来看，这不算是一部成功的作品。

  先从自己是音乐总监的部分来说，配乐其实写得不错，但当不是用真的乐器来录制的时候，很多的感觉就被抹杀掉了。对于哪种镜头需要哪种感觉的配乐也拿捏的不好。主题曲，是最让人失望的。身为作曲家，最痛苦的就是别人把自己的歌唱成完全另一个样。可能是我的要求太高，或是在作曲时用的是完美的声音来想像。有了中文歌词还要翻去韩文，又是一番功夫。有时候，有些东西，还是需要专业。

  之后再看到剧情的发展与事实上想表达的想法加上演员的诠释做的交叉比较。这剧，想要表达的东西配上剧本是刚刚好的，可是能够表达的空间和时间太短了。一部片下来感觉就是一个赶。而演员在很多地方的表达也因为之前没有足够的协调而出现错误。

  拍摄以及后期制作，导演已经尽量了，没什么好说的。能说的还是专业。拍摄有人聊天，搞笑，东西没做好，台词不知道，时间赶不到，动作没想好，表情动不了，声音僵硬了。还有一点是时间，根本没时间来第二次，所以多烂的镜头也都照收，少了对于演员的要求。

  总地来说，这次的制作，在规模上是有不错的成长，团队变大了，人变多了，可在艺术层面上来看，可惜地讲，比起《心目中的她》时下降了。

  人多好办事，并不一定是对的。时间不够用，也不能总是成为借口。

  很多时候，很多东西，还是需要专业。

                                                                                                 


  接下来，就考试了，考完两个试，就走了。

  之后，会怎样呢？

  以后，会怎样呢？

Durians 。。。

  Dinner with mother, a man and another man.

  Thank God for giving me the will to stop myself from pouring the glass of beer on him and fuck the whole place up.

  In the middle of discussion, suddenly he began talking about how he took motorbike and went for grilled  chicken wings, how he stole durians from his university. Seriously? Durians and chicken wings?

  I guess I can never understand why. This is not the first time I thought about this matter, but am sure that this won't be the last. By telling yourselves that you can't change others, change yourselves worked well, but still, when there just aren't enough room for changes, or even a change, you'll just have to accept, and that's not something easy. It's a lesson everyone has to learn.

  But, I prefer killing them.

Yves

Nemesis 。。。

  It's been a harsh day, fragile life. He who died with no name. I shall name him Nemesis.

  Never had he a name, now a past, with a name.

  It is an interesting thing that although not entirely obvious, God seems to be, step by step, taking away things that might be holding me back in Malaysia. First Her, then It, now Him. Not saying that his death is something good but it seemed to be just right on time.

  Everything, just right on time.

  But still, it hurts.


Yves.

The Need 。。。

  Been thinking recently about why people were often stuck in a relationship loop and couldn't relieve themselves. Especially for teenagers whose life long targets still seemed far away and the need for self recognition uncontrollably kicking in. With this we can explain why that puppy love or what we called pre-matured relationship usually don't work out fine. It is that under these influences, what we were looking for wasn't quite the definition of love in the adults world. Love often speaks of obligations, responsibility and commitment. What teenagers have are the need to be needed. Of course The Need exist not only for teens, in fact, it is a human nature to feel an emptiness inside that needs to be filled. The difference is that through proper psychological development, we can actually differentiate the feeling generated by our brains whether they are primal or mutual thus avoid unwanted tragedies or fulfill temporal satisfaction, a.k.a, have sex. 

  There are people whose resolution is to shut everything down and concentrate on themselves, fulfilling the need by themselves. Kind of like Hermaphroditism. Obvious cases on people telling the world about career above everything, which is good actually according to current social and moral standard. However, this will not prove the absence of the need but an inversion of the original, the other way round. You need yourself. 

  All in all, just tired.

Yves

For You 。。。

I wanted to cry, I haven't a reason.

I wanted to shout, I haven't a reason.


I wanted to mourn, I haven't a person.

I wanted to be, I haven't a person.


I wanted to leave, I haven't a shelter.

I wanted to stay, I haven't  a shelter.


I wanted to dream, I haven't a future.

I wanted to think, I haven't a future.


The Past is taunting the present, ready to blast into laughter anytime the future fulfilled itself.

Past, Present and Future are constant and changing.


Everything dates back to 17 Dec 2008.


When the snow ball began rolling.

When the root began drilling.

When the ship began sinking.

When the heart began bleeding.

When the fire began burning.

When I began Falling.

For You,

For You,

For You,

For You,

For You,

And for You 。。。


  Time to lock up everything again, as I did, long time ago.

  Pain, is a part of feelings, a price I dare not pay, again.

  A Needle, a Hammer, a Pan, a Knife, a Poison, a Drug.

  What more can it make become?



Yves.

又累了。。。

  There are times, when finally after a long day outside, back at your own doorstep, you close the door, stare into the darkness, the living room, kitchen, bathroom, study room, bedroom, one by one, and begin to hope that something would suddenly begin to move, begin to talk, as if it is alive.

  Alone, in the darkness.

  There are no needs to turn on the lights, everything is well remembered, every corner, every object, they wouldn't run away. A cruel difference between people and things. Things won't and don't run away unless moved. People, do. They always do. You always do.

 
  Another meaningless day has passed, every second you are off the piano is a waste.

 
  I'm just tired.

  Yves.

Captain America 。。。

  Watched Captain America last Sunday, alone. The theater was quite empty due to... whatever it was.An interesting thing about watching movies to teenagers is that usually it weren't for the movie but the make out during. Proved true whenever walked into a not so popular movie site and glanced left and right at the corner. The best sits were those in the middle yet they chose to be at the site, well you know. One of my friend used to have oral during the show, what the hell?

  So in the end, it was not about it but during it.

  Anyway, nicely done, Captain America, though there was a little problem while the air-carriers were attacking each other and then fall from the sky. You see that the three air-carriers were identically built, so why their targeting systems weren't acting as such? While one was targeting engines, the other two were... no idea what they were doing that long after the two of them dropped the last one can still flew for so long a time. And three carriers with anti-matter engines destroyed literally on the ground with no explosion of any sort, radiation or at least something? Well, the carriers must be so sophisticated that they can run on... nothing?

  Anyway, just a movie.

  Down actually.


Yves.

Aeroplane 。。。

  There are times when you just wanted to curse the earth for being spherical instead of cubical especially when you've spent almost the whole night up just because your friends wanted to drink some mid night tea and you have to wait for their cars plus after you woke up the other day another friend gave you a big aeroplane in a very unique and special way without even a word of apology but a beautiful " 哈哈哈 。。".

  Go to your Mars next time.

A Day for Audition 。。。

  Today is my audition for the college in United Kingdom, it's blowing a storm in my head and I don't think calming them down is something easy.

  A good thing to say is that the professor liked my playing and really wanted me to go but it's the same problem over and over again since... ever, Money.  There're people applying for Master's Degree there too but when I heard their playing I can definitely say I'm better just by listening next door. 

  Interpretation, is very obvious if not from within. It's like telling a story you know nothing about.   

  And yet again, they are the ones able to get there, not me. 

  Pathetic, just like a Beethoven Sonata.

  

  I did made a few mistakes though, lost my tempo, missed some notes. One interesting thing is on a different piano I can actually find different perspectives over the same song so what I did today was applying it on the spot and that costs me kind of a big disadvantage for doing it on the spot will actually mess up your old memory for the song. Anyway, a good lesson.

  Another thing is that I've finally done dealing with what we called a stage panic thing when you're on the stage and your heart starts to go faster and faster and you're sweating everywhere. Today when I was in the room, I felt absolutely confident about what I was going to do and I don't really feel scared. I've never dream that I can do this. Interestingly, the key is to tell yourselves that whatever comes out, it doesn't matter, just go and believe in yourselves.

  When I was waiting for my turn, I spoke to the head of the studio and learned some news about one old friend of mine, she stopped learning music. Just the time after we broke up. It might just be my over-imaginable thinking because the head of studio told me that her former teacher went abroad for further studies but I might have crushed a future pianist. Nothing about regrets, just feeling that I should apologize for that, but to who? Every life changes when comes in touch with one another. That changed too much, too much. The song I'm having now is 你不知道的事.

  And the last thing for today, I want to save this little spot for you Honey, it has been almost a month since that thing happened, I shouldn't say that I still missed you, but I do, I really do.

  Like a rose, you thorned me where my blood flew, stabbed me and brought me my doom,

  But still,

  Of all the things you do, you gave me the finest truth,

  So now I want to tell you that,

  I do not regret for letting you through.

Yves

Explanation 。。。

  About the weird childish behavior I have recently, maybe there's an explanation. Although unconvincing but acceptable.

  Something about personalities, some are permanent, some are temporal. When faced with challenges or changes, and when it's bad, we would begin to question ourselves, what went wrong, what did we do? During happy times we develop a set of temporary personality that we assume is good and when everything goes off the track, we question then slash off the set of personality assuming that it was what destroyed everything. So now we have a hole to fill in. How to behave?

  The situation was bad, so we felt bad. 

  Before this I actually wrote bunch of things to explain that strange behavior of mine but in the end I just felt that trying to explain them wouldn't help getting rid of them and too the situation. Time to move on, change.

  It rained the past few days, it's good.

Yves

Interesting day II 。。。

  Again, an interesting day. Interesting feelings.

  First, well, I saw her. Still the same as she used to be.

  Second, I want to give a compliment to the school choir, through the years, they stayed dramatically stasis. That is a very difficult thing to do, to stay the same. Still having those same problems that lead to a not far from same end. I can't imagine that voice leaders are people who can't even read notes or find out who's going out of tune. So when your leaders are not skilled enough, your practices are just a process of reproducing not skilled enough or simply noisy music.

  Third, I saw a post, and it still hurts like a freshly cut wound, blood dripping all over the place and pair of eyes staring while condemning, it was your fault.

  Fourth, Life is like a Impromptu, no one knows what will happen next. As time passes, the one thing that we all learn is that actually, it doesn't hurt that much, the pain, much of it, was imagined out of a necessity to mourn and to grieve, for, who knows, ourselves maybe. 

  Time to sleep. Gute Nacht.


Yves.

奇特的一天 。。。

  奇特的一天，回学校伴奏，发生一大堆有前途的事。

  那一来是可能过多几下就不需要我去了。

  二来是他们真的，真的，真的，一点儿都没进步也！！！

  三来是竟然错过了她来的时候。那还蛮可惜的，很久没笑了。

  四来是意识到尊孔的学生长期以来其实都有种自我封闭的现象。常有的话是“不要去跟别人比，自己尽力就好了。”长久下来加上错误的引导最后演变成极端的自我满足--“已经不错了啦。”“有这样已经很好了咯。”

  五来是见到很多许久未见的人。那句话着实吓到了我一下。

  好吧，奇特的一天就这样结束了，明天又是新的一天，希望明天，有雨。

April Fool's phone call 。。。

Prologue:

  It's April Fool today, an interesting day.

  Still fresh in my mind, the phone call I made exactly one year ago. 12 a.m, 1/4/2013, April Fool. 

  “我们还是分手吧。”

Chapter One:

  Back to the very beginning of the story, it was mid spring, a foreign bird flew into the hall and some how landed in front of me.

  “新生？”

  “嗯嗯。”

  Two weeks later, a peaceful night, the point where the ball started rolling.

  "Will you be mine?"

  "Yes."

  "Then I'm yours forever, too."

  First kiss in the stairwell, first date in the mall. 

Chapter Two:

  

  It was too soon that the smoke blinded what lied below, blazing fire. Backgrounds, feelings, needs.

  How can you play the piano like this? Why don't you trust me? What do you want do in the future? Why are you crying? 

  It's so interesting that people can succumb so easily to lust, pure lust. Blind folded, my eyes, saw nothing but falsified peace and happiness. 

   Wanna try taking them off? Why don't you sleep over? Can you do oral?   

Chapter Three:

  By going faster and faster, finally it went off the track. Threw itself of the cliff, it was a valley full of thorns waiting below. It was winter, when everything started crumbling.

  "Why he was there?"

  "He's just a friend."

  A party.

  "I've told you that I hate people getting drunk."

  "I'm sorry."

  Well, there are way too many things that "Sorry" can't save.

  "I'm not one that believes people so easily and I've decided that we should be apart."

  "As you wish, live long and prosper."

  A week later, after the mountain cooled down and she realized that,

  "I'm sorry, please come back."

  "Don't let that ever happen again."

  Physically yes, but mentally, gone since then.

  I was never back. 

Epilogue:

  After April Fool they never meet each other again until this day. Both thinking that they were right.

  Yes, I'm right, you are wrong.

  The very basic concept that killed uncountable relationships since Day One. 

  I wonder who made that Inception in the very beginning.  

  Yves.

Sadness 。。。

  For ages I've closed my door, for ages I don't believe in love, for ages I don't know what is comfort. Now I do, and I wish I still don't. A shut down door is always better than a opened one with no one coming in. Many things just don't exist if we don't believe they do. Hell is frightening because Heaven is just inches away.

  "Promise me that you won't leave me again."

  "I promise."

  And you break it.

  It's what hurt the most.

  Betrayed.

  All the times we had, I've never heard you complained about things, never heard you say you are not happy with this with that. And suddenly one day, just burst out. I was shocked and confused. Later hurt and drowned. Yes it's my fault that I don't understand your feelings but how am I going to know if you just don't say it? Or even hinted a bit? 

  It's a cut, you made on my heart.

  Maybe it's about experience, to know that to maintain a relationship is to deal with the problems, not to change either one to compromise it and when everything is falling apart, leave. Maybe one day you will finally realize this. But what good does it make to me? I've lost you. Already.

  Consider, one last time.

  On this day, my eyes bled dry, my veins mourned, for what we could have been.

KAMEHAMEHA 。。。

  The last post was about emotions and internal feelings, this will be about complains or perspective I suppose. Am I really wrong?

  Knowing well enough that men and women are different in every way and tried to compensate those factors to full extent yet the efforts are just constantly not enough. Every time there are flaws in the shield layers.

  How is it possible for me to remember everything I've said to an extent like cutting my hair? Saving time for outing? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? And should a grown up person being jealous about those small things? And if I were to forget, can't I be reminded? Why everything have to be on my head? Saving up everything inside, not telling, no signalling and then one hell of a burst. Not dealing with the problem, just messing up everything and ruining the sanctuary.

  For how many times I had the same reason for breaking up? Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving,  Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving 。。。

  KAMEHAMEHA~~~~~

  Sometimes I really don't know what are the standards and what aren't.