奇特的一天 。。。

  奇特的一天，回学校伴奏，发生一大堆有前途的事。

  那一来是可能过多几下就不需要我去了。

  二来是他们真的，真的，真的，一点儿都没进步也！！！

  三来是竟然错过了她来的时候。那还蛮可惜的，很久没笑了。

  四来是意识到尊孔的学生长期以来其实都有种自我封闭的现象。常有的话是“不要去跟别人比，自己尽力就好了。”长久下来加上错误的引导最后演变成极端的自我满足--“已经不错了啦。”“有这样已经很好了咯。”

  五来是见到很多许久未见的人。那句话着实吓到了我一下。

  好吧，奇特的一天就这样结束了，明天又是新的一天，希望明天，有雨。

April Fool's phone call 。。。

Prologue:

  It's April Fool today, an interesting day.

  Still fresh in my mind, the phone call I made exactly one year ago. 12 a.m, 1/4/2013, April Fool. 

  “我们还是分手吧。”

Chapter One:

  Back to the very beginning of the story, it was mid spring, a foreign bird flew into the hall and some how landed in front of me.

  “新生？”

  “嗯嗯。”

  Two weeks later, a peaceful night, the point where the ball started rolling.

  "Will you be mine?"

  "Yes."

  "Then I'm yours forever, too."

  First kiss in the stairwell, first date in the mall. 

Chapter Two:

  

  It was too soon that the smoke blinded what lied below, blazing fire. Backgrounds, feelings, needs.

  How can you play the piano like this? Why don't you trust me? What do you want do in the future? Why are you crying? 

  It's so interesting that people can succumb so easily to lust, pure lust. Blind folded, my eyes, saw nothing but falsified peace and happiness. 

   Wanna try taking them off? Why don't you sleep over? Can you do oral?   

Chapter Three:

  By going faster and faster, finally it went off the track. Threw itself of the cliff, it was a valley full of thorns waiting below. It was winter, when everything started crumbling.

  "Why he was there?"

  "He's just a friend."

  A party.

  "I've told you that I hate people getting drunk."

  "I'm sorry."

  Well, there are way too many things that "Sorry" can't save.

  "I'm not one that believes people so easily and I've decided that we should be apart."

  "As you wish, live long and prosper."

  A week later, after the mountain cooled down and she realized that,

  "I'm sorry, please come back."

  "Don't let that ever happen again."

  Physically yes, but mentally, gone since then.

  I was never back. 

Epilogue:

  After April Fool they never meet each other again until this day. Both thinking that they were right.

  Yes, I'm right, you are wrong.

  The very basic concept that killed uncountable relationships since Day One. 

  I wonder who made that Inception in the very beginning.  

  Yves.

Sadness 。。。

  For ages I've closed my door, for ages I don't believe in love, for ages I don't know what is comfort. Now I do, and I wish I still don't. A shut down door is always better than a opened one with no one coming in. Many things just don't exist if we don't believe they do. Hell is frightening because Heaven is just inches away.

  "Promise me that you won't leave me again."

  "I promise."

  And you break it.

  It's what hurt the most.

  Betrayed.

  All the times we had, I've never heard you complained about things, never heard you say you are not happy with this with that. And suddenly one day, just burst out. I was shocked and confused. Later hurt and drowned. Yes it's my fault that I don't understand your feelings but how am I going to know if you just don't say it? Or even hinted a bit? 

  It's a cut, you made on my heart.

  Maybe it's about experience, to know that to maintain a relationship is to deal with the problems, not to change either one to compromise it and when everything is falling apart, leave. Maybe one day you will finally realize this. But what good does it make to me? I've lost you. Already.

  Consider, one last time.

  On this day, my eyes bled dry, my veins mourned, for what we could have been.

KAMEHAMEHA 。。。

  The last post was about emotions and internal feelings, this will be about complains or perspective I suppose. Am I really wrong?

  Knowing well enough that men and women are different in every way and tried to compensate those factors to full extent yet the efforts are just constantly not enough. Every time there are flaws in the shield layers.

  How is it possible for me to remember everything I've said to an extent like cutting my hair? Saving time for outing? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? And should a grown up person being jealous about those small things? And if I were to forget, can't I be reminded? Why everything have to be on my head? Saving up everything inside, not telling, no signalling and then one hell of a burst. Not dealing with the problem, just messing up everything and ruining the sanctuary.

  For how many times I had the same reason for breaking up? Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving,  Saving, Saving, Saving, Saving 。。。

  KAMEHAMEHA~~~~~

  Sometimes I really don't know what are the standards and what aren't.

A Night to Grieve 。。。

  This is a night to grieve, 是个哀悼的夜晚， in remembrance of an important person in life. 纪念着一个重要的人。

  A year ago, the same day, in a stair well I met this little one that was so interesting I couldn't compel myself to lift the pedal and let the sounds go off. So on and on those notes, flying around the hall, bouncing around creating harmonies never before heard. Although through time, vibrations will wear off, but even the slightest of the remaining sound created such beauty of melody that wouldn't pale before the Seven Sins.

  And so the composer decided to take down the notes and spread it wide around the world. So he went to buy papers, quills, ink, staff roller, piano, everything that were necessary, everything. 

  The next morning, they were gone, literally, gone. Nothing moved, the well stared at me like the eye, consuming what was to be divine. Everything just stopped.

  Slowly dying away.

  Little by little.

  Including the composer.

  Me.

  Diminuendo.

  Yves.

Status 。。。

  Posted some status yesterday night and was asked about it. It's surprising that narrating an incident from the past can trigger so big an emotion fluctuation. It's like living it out again in the parallel universe. And so came some news that weren't expected, that everything wasn't real at all. That might lead to greater anger and disappointment if proved to be true. 

  After all these losses, I now truly begin to understand what it means to be a teenager. It is to learn the ways of dealing with people, things, emotion or even relationship, with failure. If everything were smooth and the world did not crumble, I wouldn't be me now. It's crucial that we know what we've lost are worthy of what we've learned but the last thing to do would be trying to calculate the loss and gain and try to balance it with explanation we made up for ourselves.  

  One thing that is important for a teenager is the ability to differentiate lust driven feelings and archetypal feelings. As a teen under development, unstable hormones release have always influenced our judgement. Feeling in love is actually caused by a release of hormones in our brain but even if we have the knowledge from scientific researches, controlling it was never easy. 

  Beginning to step into adulthood, thinking back in time often helped with the realization of interesting concepts, points or things we've missed during our teen time. It's like gambling, teen, you may not have started it,  but you can't stop it and you don't know when it ends until it already did. Mine has now come to an end I suppose, bitter sweet, sour sting, there are people that will remain forever in the past but there are some that we will bring together with us in the life long journey that are yet to come. Mine for an instant, her.

  A regret, a loss.

  An unamendable future in the past.

  

我。。。

  一直以来都很喜欢半夜开着几首流行歌这样写些部落文，但今晚好像没什么灵感。

  毕业后，好多东西都变了。

  人，事，物。

  我。

  这几天蛮多事的。大学来信了，接下来就面试，然后就看结果。关于大学的事已经一遍又一遍地讲过了，有点烦了。

  学校的伴奏，一接下就开始考试，所以就等于还没接吧？关着耳朵等着拿钱的工作。

  人际关系，越来越复杂了。种子发芽得太快。

  人总是太贪心，什么都想要。

"The Pianist" 。。。

  Just finished watching "The Pianist", interesting story about the life of a Polish pianist who suffered the second world war. Though in a different time, the history background is similar with that of Chopin, a time of turmoil. The combination of the scene and the music can really change one's understanding of pieces written by Chopin. Imagination is one thing that is very important to a musician and what makes the different between the One and the others.

  There are always sayings about that Asians lack imagination and a kind of stiffness during the play, I guess the cultural influences are potent. It's not just about education, but the experience.

我承认 。。。

我想你了。。。

Wedding Dinner 。。。

  My second wedding dinner tonight, a bit drunk but still well in control. Not actually drunk, just a little bit too much, dizzy fizzy. A nice gathering with friends and teachers, big and small talks about things in the past and about the future to come. All in all, a wonderful night.

  There are some incidents though, intriguing. First is about combining colored wine and red wine. The effect is astounding. Although it kicks in not as fast as just the single one of them, it nearly brought the whole ceiling down right onto my face. I had an experience during the last wedding dinner with beer and colored wine, well, still ok but today is a little bit out of the line.

  Second though, is not about things but people. Talks brought up tons of memories, reminds me of decisions, choices and that once simple and easy "me". Got up the whole Facebook messenger conversation and realized that it actually did light up and almost burned up. Unfortunately, maybe I was pre-occupied by something else. Always interesting though, to look at old talks and chats. And then the car door opened.

  The last thing would be thinking of my own wedding dinner/ceremony/whatsoever thing people would call it, I would never allowed something like old Chinese traditions to kick in. No wasting money on feeding people I doubt I will ever get to know and having them ignoring the whole ceremony by focusing on the food. Eating is what they came for. Well, at least more than 70% of them thought of that I'm sure. A church, a morning, a pastor, a music, a ring, and oath, a kiss and done. Brunch buffet maybe? Small talks, simple reception, harmonically.

  Time to sleep then. Interesting night.

Blogs 。。。

  Midnight, bumped into that blog of her, interesting, very very interesting.

  It is interesting to read blogs of people you once had an intimate relationship with, not necessarily boy-girl-friend relationship, just anything.

  For the most of them, if you look carefully and thoroughly enough, you can actually see some patterns in it. How everything begun and ended,and seemed unable to stop repeating itself over and over again. Unfortunately that is not the interesting part of it, the interesting part is that although the patterns repeat themselves over and over again, with each repeated patterns, something new will always be added into the compound thus complicating, changing, stirring, catalysing, whatever you would call it, the out come in terms of emotional and mental reactions.

  Whenever something new and unexpected came into the scene, that's a total surprise and to study it is a pleasure that few can understand.

Balance 。。。

  Sometimes, it is very hard to balance between hiding and letting go feelings and emotions towards different people. Every once in a while as a cycle we will sink into the "depths of whatever it is" thing because of some pheromones being released in our brain and begin to think or do something stupid things. For example, what I am doing now.

  Although knowing that all these are bullshits and soon they will be gone, still I'm here writing about bullshits. It's just too messy and complicated recently. And it's even worst that I can't write it here. Maybe I should stop telling people that I have a blog, it used to be a good trick to pick up girls for when they see so many of the romantic son of a bitch writing there they will imagine them to be real. 

  Really tired of writing things metaphorically like I used to be, so a fucking brain-power wasting action. I used to describe a girl using Amber. How the hell did I relate a girl with Amber? Ya, normally Amber has some insects inside of it, it's the fossilized tree resin. So I was saying that the girl was either a huge chunk of dried resin with insects in her heart buried underground for thousands of years and became a huge chunk of transparent shiny stone or the girl was... whatever it is. 

  But for the situation now, I better keep on doing that. Or else the consequences will doom me.

  

I wanted to pour, I wanted to pour,

A sea of fear, an ocean of tears.

Frozen to the heart, thawing thawing I fear.

In the darkest night, storms and storms I hear.


I am the eye of the storm, and passing shall ye not here.

讽刺吧？

  今天写华语吧，像很久很久以前那样。

  刚刚听了几首以前的歌，想了想，有些事，多久了也没改变过。

  “怎么XX了？” 为了应付诸如此类的许多问题，很多不同标准的答案都会事先的准备好，以便不用尴尬地支支吾吾不知道该说什么。当中一部分属实，一部分，是自己给自己的借口。虽然说是借口，也不完全没有根据，只是并不完全。

  但是就算是属实的那一部分，也不完全完全。总有那么一点是不说的。


下雨了，我们一起撑伞，走着，唱着歌。雨水滴滴答答在雨鞋上与心跳同步着，挽着的手紧扣着。不冷了，不冷了，紧紧地靠着，会暖的，会暖的。小心不要着凉了，生病了就不能来这里了。风越刮越猛，雨越下越大，靠得越来越紧，手越来越紧。下着雨，撑伞，走着，唱着歌，手麻了，不能弹琴了。


到最后，不是经不起诱惑，而是承受不住束缚。

  讽刺吧？

Good Bye 。。。

10.36 P.M  31/12/2013.

 

  Few things I'v learned this passing year of 2013,

1) Instead of finding reasons to love, simplicity serves better.

In remembrance of the one I thought would be my Jaina Proudmoore. 

2) A good student prospers because of a good teacher.

In remembrance of the seven years wasted in a street house in the neighborhood. 

3) When expressing affection to a long-time friend, be careful or risk destroying everything.

In remembrance of the one far far away in the north whose name none other know.

4) If you dreamed about having sex with someone, DON'T EVER DISCUSS IT WITH THEM.

In remembrance of the one I discussed the dream with.

5) Sometimes, you just can't do it.

In remembrance of myself in the year 2013,

 good bye.

Guilts 。。。

  There is nothing selfish about this. You take what you willingly gave out back, one way or another. But when the demand to give became too much to bear and the urge to take back became lesser and lesser, the balance is destroyed. But it was not what happened. The urge to take was overwhelming but the fear towards giving grew even stronger. And this was and is, human.

  A happy Christmas day, piano to play, food to enjoy and people to care. Yet after all came to pass, strange sense of guilt filled my very being. 

  As always, a breastplate damaged too bluntly needed no polishes or oil but the hammer and fire of the blacksmith to crush and consume every bits of it and reform it.

  Yet the kind of topic is not something you can talk about when the sun shines and the wind blows.

Seeds 。。。

  It has been a long time since I have written anything here, as to all the things happened recently were either too foul that such secrets should never be revealed or too genuine that it would destroy the image the world had on me.

  Few days ago, in a very peaceful night, despite all that might or might not be of trouble and consequences which no one will ever know, some of my fellow little secrets on the genuine side slipped through the little gap, to the Atlantic far far away.

  I don't mean to change anything other than letting you know about it. I just hope that despite all the distances in between, slowly with time, a more intimate bond can be forged, only until then should we decide the title to which we will announce to the world. Names, Titles were meant for the world to recognize, you don't need one when you are certain that the future will eventually come to pass. We both know too well that for now we have nothing to give and to promises but remember that we have also none to lose. We have time. Future lies ahead, and time rolls as eagerly as always.

  Just, reserve some little space in that heart of yours for the seeds to grow. Whatever the crops will be, leave it in for the Future to decide.

  .  

Such was not what I intended.

  Just a little time, before leaving for the concert. Take a little time for myself, which for a very long time I don't. It seems that sometimes, or just let it be always,

   such was not what I intended.

Yet it came. 

  

  How do I explain the concept of a yes and no relationship while yes and no are still to be discovered? A youngster can never understand the cruelty of war spoken by folks who's concerns everyday now were the flowers and dogs in their backyard. 

  Only when war engines were at their door steps, when the sky rained not of water but blood should they understand it truly. 

  

  Different experiences throughout the years, made the difference. You won't really understand, that I am really sorry.

Prayers 。。。

 

 On this very day, in this very night, under this very light, I pray, to be consumed, destroyed and reborn.
  Whatever it might be, I welcome thee.

生日快樂~

  今天是一位朋友的生日，一位很重要很重要的朋友。沒辦法在身邊一起慶祝，所以希望短短一通電話能夠帶來一點驚喜和快樂，也知道說雖然隔著這麼長的距離，那一份關心還是在的，不管發生什麼事，都會有支持你的人。

  "肩膀"，雖然不能說什麼，因為不在你身邊，也沒辦法做什麼，不過還是會有點不是滋味咯。

  "肩膀"， 這邊有，無任歡迎，給你，不過要等你回來時咯。哈哈哈。

Eyes 。。。

  In your eyes, there were thorns here and there, everywhere. Protruding from within, gladly consuming essences in the chalice of light.

  You cannot move.

  The windows of soul, infested by the past, can no longer turn its gaze away from any which are to come. Thorns spiking up the surface, taking away every last bit of moist that ever existed.

  You cannot cry.

  Inches by inches, numbness spread through the nerves, like nano-probe assimilating the humans, defences were attempted, yet as always, resistance is futile.
 
  You cannot win.

  It is like a mirror, eyes, they reflect. Sometimes the person within, sometimes the other way round.

  Therefore in your eyes, what I saw was actually ...