A Night to Grieve 。。。

  This is a night to grieve, 是个哀悼的夜晚， in remembrance of an important person in life. 纪念着一个重要的人。

  A year ago, the same day, in a stair well I met this little one that was so interesting I couldn't compel myself to lift the pedal and let the sounds go off. So on and on those notes, flying around the hall, bouncing around creating harmonies never before heard. Although through time, vibrations will wear off, but even the slightest of the remaining sound created such beauty of melody that wouldn't pale before the Seven Sins.

  And so the composer decided to take down the notes and spread it wide around the world. So he went to buy papers, quills, ink, staff roller, piano, everything that were necessary, everything. 

  The next morning, they were gone, literally, gone. Nothing moved, the well stared at me like the eye, consuming what was to be divine. Everything just stopped.

  Slowly dying away.

  Little by little.

  Including the composer.

  Me.

  Diminuendo.

  Yves.

Status 。。。

  Posted some status yesterday night and was asked about it. It's surprising that narrating an incident from the past can trigger so big an emotion fluctuation. It's like living it out again in the parallel universe. And so came some news that weren't expected, that everything wasn't real at all. That might lead to greater anger and disappointment if proved to be true. 

  After all these losses, I now truly begin to understand what it means to be a teenager. It is to learn the ways of dealing with people, things, emotion or even relationship, with failure. If everything were smooth and the world did not crumble, I wouldn't be me now. It's crucial that we know what we've lost are worthy of what we've learned but the last thing to do would be trying to calculate the loss and gain and try to balance it with explanation we made up for ourselves.  

  One thing that is important for a teenager is the ability to differentiate lust driven feelings and archetypal feelings. As a teen under development, unstable hormones release have always influenced our judgement. Feeling in love is actually caused by a release of hormones in our brain but even if we have the knowledge from scientific researches, controlling it was never easy. 

  Beginning to step into adulthood, thinking back in time often helped with the realization of interesting concepts, points or things we've missed during our teen time. It's like gambling, teen, you may not have started it,  but you can't stop it and you don't know when it ends until it already did. Mine has now come to an end I suppose, bitter sweet, sour sting, there are people that will remain forever in the past but there are some that we will bring together with us in the life long journey that are yet to come. Mine for an instant, her.

  A regret, a loss.

  An unamendable future in the past.

  

我。。。

  一直以来都很喜欢半夜开着几首流行歌这样写些部落文，但今晚好像没什么灵感。

  毕业后，好多东西都变了。

  人，事，物。

  我。

  这几天蛮多事的。大学来信了，接下来就面试，然后就看结果。关于大学的事已经一遍又一遍地讲过了，有点烦了。

  学校的伴奏，一接下就开始考试，所以就等于还没接吧？关着耳朵等着拿钱的工作。

  人际关系，越来越复杂了。种子发芽得太快。

  人总是太贪心，什么都想要。

"The Pianist" 。。。

  Just finished watching "The Pianist", interesting story about the life of a Polish pianist who suffered the second world war. Though in a different time, the history background is similar with that of Chopin, a time of turmoil. The combination of the scene and the music can really change one's understanding of pieces written by Chopin. Imagination is one thing that is very important to a musician and what makes the different between the One and the others.

  There are always sayings about that Asians lack imagination and a kind of stiffness during the play, I guess the cultural influences are potent. It's not just about education, but the experience.

我承认 。。。

我想你了。。。

Wedding Dinner 。。。

  My second wedding dinner tonight, a bit drunk but still well in control. Not actually drunk, just a little bit too much, dizzy fizzy. A nice gathering with friends and teachers, big and small talks about things in the past and about the future to come. All in all, a wonderful night.

  There are some incidents though, intriguing. First is about combining colored wine and red wine. The effect is astounding. Although it kicks in not as fast as just the single one of them, it nearly brought the whole ceiling down right onto my face. I had an experience during the last wedding dinner with beer and colored wine, well, still ok but today is a little bit out of the line.

  Second though, is not about things but people. Talks brought up tons of memories, reminds me of decisions, choices and that once simple and easy "me". Got up the whole Facebook messenger conversation and realized that it actually did light up and almost burned up. Unfortunately, maybe I was pre-occupied by something else. Always interesting though, to look at old talks and chats. And then the car door opened.

  The last thing would be thinking of my own wedding dinner/ceremony/whatsoever thing people would call it, I would never allowed something like old Chinese traditions to kick in. No wasting money on feeding people I doubt I will ever get to know and having them ignoring the whole ceremony by focusing on the food. Eating is what they came for. Well, at least more than 70% of them thought of that I'm sure. A church, a morning, a pastor, a music, a ring, and oath, a kiss and done. Brunch buffet maybe? Small talks, simple reception, harmonically.

  Time to sleep then. Interesting night.

Blogs 。。。

  Midnight, bumped into that blog of her, interesting, very very interesting.

  It is interesting to read blogs of people you once had an intimate relationship with, not necessarily boy-girl-friend relationship, just anything.

  For the most of them, if you look carefully and thoroughly enough, you can actually see some patterns in it. How everything begun and ended,and seemed unable to stop repeating itself over and over again. Unfortunately that is not the interesting part of it, the interesting part is that although the patterns repeat themselves over and over again, with each repeated patterns, something new will always be added into the compound thus complicating, changing, stirring, catalysing, whatever you would call it, the out come in terms of emotional and mental reactions.

  Whenever something new and unexpected came into the scene, that's a total surprise and to study it is a pleasure that few can understand.

Balance 。。。

  Sometimes, it is very hard to balance between hiding and letting go feelings and emotions towards different people. Every once in a while as a cycle we will sink into the "depths of whatever it is" thing because of some pheromones being released in our brain and begin to think or do something stupid things. For example, what I am doing now.

  Although knowing that all these are bullshits and soon they will be gone, still I'm here writing about bullshits. It's just too messy and complicated recently. And it's even worst that I can't write it here. Maybe I should stop telling people that I have a blog, it used to be a good trick to pick up girls for when they see so many of the romantic son of a bitch writing there they will imagine them to be real. 

  Really tired of writing things metaphorically like I used to be, so a fucking brain-power wasting action. I used to describe a girl using Amber. How the hell did I relate a girl with Amber? Ya, normally Amber has some insects inside of it, it's the fossilized tree resin. So I was saying that the girl was either a huge chunk of dried resin with insects in her heart buried underground for thousands of years and became a huge chunk of transparent shiny stone or the girl was... whatever it is. 

  But for the situation now, I better keep on doing that. Or else the consequences will doom me.

  

I wanted to pour, I wanted to pour,

A sea of fear, an ocean of tears.

Frozen to the heart, thawing thawing I fear.

In the darkest night, storms and storms I hear.


I am the eye of the storm, and passing shall ye not here.

讽刺吧？

  今天写华语吧，像很久很久以前那样。

  刚刚听了几首以前的歌，想了想，有些事，多久了也没改变过。

  “怎么XX了？” 为了应付诸如此类的许多问题，很多不同标准的答案都会事先的准备好，以便不用尴尬地支支吾吾不知道该说什么。当中一部分属实，一部分，是自己给自己的借口。虽然说是借口，也不完全没有根据，只是并不完全。

  但是就算是属实的那一部分，也不完全完全。总有那么一点是不说的。


下雨了，我们一起撑伞，走着，唱着歌。雨水滴滴答答在雨鞋上与心跳同步着，挽着的手紧扣着。不冷了，不冷了，紧紧地靠着，会暖的，会暖的。小心不要着凉了，生病了就不能来这里了。风越刮越猛，雨越下越大，靠得越来越紧，手越来越紧。下着雨，撑伞，走着，唱着歌，手麻了，不能弹琴了。


到最后，不是经不起诱惑，而是承受不住束缚。

  讽刺吧？

Good Bye 。。。

10.36 P.M  31/12/2013.

 

  Few things I'v learned this passing year of 2013,

1) Instead of finding reasons to love, simplicity serves better.

In remembrance of the one I thought would be my Jaina Proudmoore. 

2) A good student prospers because of a good teacher.

In remembrance of the seven years wasted in a street house in the neighborhood. 

3) When expressing affection to a long-time friend, be careful or risk destroying everything.

In remembrance of the one far far away in the north whose name none other know.

4) If you dreamed about having sex with someone, DON'T EVER DISCUSS IT WITH THEM.

In remembrance of the one I discussed the dream with.

5) Sometimes, you just can't do it.

In remembrance of myself in the year 2013,

 good bye.

Guilts 。。。

  There is nothing selfish about this. You take what you willingly gave out back, one way or another. But when the demand to give became too much to bear and the urge to take back became lesser and lesser, the balance is destroyed. But it was not what happened. The urge to take was overwhelming but the fear towards giving grew even stronger. And this was and is, human.

  A happy Christmas day, piano to play, food to enjoy and people to care. Yet after all came to pass, strange sense of guilt filled my very being. 

  As always, a breastplate damaged too bluntly needed no polishes or oil but the hammer and fire of the blacksmith to crush and consume every bits of it and reform it.

  Yet the kind of topic is not something you can talk about when the sun shines and the wind blows.

Seeds 。。。

  It has been a long time since I have written anything here, as to all the things happened recently were either too foul that such secrets should never be revealed or too genuine that it would destroy the image the world had on me.

  Few days ago, in a very peaceful night, despite all that might or might not be of trouble and consequences which no one will ever know, some of my fellow little secrets on the genuine side slipped through the little gap, to the Atlantic far far away.

  I don't mean to change anything other than letting you know about it. I just hope that despite all the distances in between, slowly with time, a more intimate bond can be forged, only until then should we decide the title to which we will announce to the world. Names, Titles were meant for the world to recognize, you don't need one when you are certain that the future will eventually come to pass. We both know too well that for now we have nothing to give and to promises but remember that we have also none to lose. We have time. Future lies ahead, and time rolls as eagerly as always.

  Just, reserve some little space in that heart of yours for the seeds to grow. Whatever the crops will be, leave it in for the Future to decide.

  .  

Such was not what I intended.

  Just a little time, before leaving for the concert. Take a little time for myself, which for a very long time I don't. It seems that sometimes, or just let it be always,

   such was not what I intended.

Yet it came. 

  

  How do I explain the concept of a yes and no relationship while yes and no are still to be discovered? A youngster can never understand the cruelty of war spoken by folks who's concerns everyday now were the flowers and dogs in their backyard. 

  Only when war engines were at their door steps, when the sky rained not of water but blood should they understand it truly. 

  

  Different experiences throughout the years, made the difference. You won't really understand, that I am really sorry.

Prayers 。。。

 

 On this very day, in this very night, under this very light, I pray, to be consumed, destroyed and reborn.
  Whatever it might be, I welcome thee.

生日快樂~

  今天是一位朋友的生日，一位很重要很重要的朋友。沒辦法在身邊一起慶祝，所以希望短短一通電話能夠帶來一點驚喜和快樂，也知道說雖然隔著這麼長的距離，那一份關心還是在的，不管發生什麼事，都會有支持你的人。

  "肩膀"，雖然不能說什麼，因為不在你身邊，也沒辦法做什麼，不過還是會有點不是滋味咯。

  "肩膀"， 這邊有，無任歡迎，給你，不過要等你回來時咯。哈哈哈。

Eyes 。。。

  In your eyes, there were thorns here and there, everywhere. Protruding from within, gladly consuming essences in the chalice of light.

  You cannot move.

  The windows of soul, infested by the past, can no longer turn its gaze away from any which are to come. Thorns spiking up the surface, taking away every last bit of moist that ever existed.

  You cannot cry.

  Inches by inches, numbness spread through the nerves, like nano-probe assimilating the humans, defences were attempted, yet as always, resistance is futile.
 
  You cannot win.

  It is like a mirror, eyes, they reflect. Sometimes the person within, sometimes the other way round.

  Therefore in your eyes, what I saw was actually ...
 

白纸 。。。

  写字、画画时，出错了，与其尝试将错的部分擦去再改正，拿张空白的新纸重新来过似乎比较有建设性，虽然浪费了点，但却省去了越改越错的麻烦，虽然也未必会越改越错，但多一事不如少一事。

  此事在爱情里似乎不是如此。一张空白的纸，是可悲的。它没有任何的指引，不像九宫格，不像单线纸。一笔下去，十之八九歪歪斜斜。

  若把九宫格比喻成经验，单线比喻成为过去，大多数人应该总抢着要九宫格和单线纸，不论是要加在自己身上的还是要寻找它们。

  可惜这诸多理论上，更可悲的是，有太多太多的人，不会，不想，不要，不愿意，不肯，不知道，不屑于，画区区一九宫格。又有太多太多的人，觉得在别人的地平线上建立自己的高楼并不光彩。

  所以我们都喜欢白纸。

晚风吹过，街灯斜照着路人甲，影子依随长发飘着，仿佛是一体，却不是。

下雨天 。。。

 

  淋雨是件幸福的事，特别当世界太过浑浊，道路太过狭隘。一阵雨能把它们通通刷去，留下自己。

  最近常有奇怪的梦，向往着不同的过去，好似宿命论。过去多少的变化都只导向同一个未来，而当未来成为过去，同时间点上的未来也一并改变，开始另一段导向的旅程。一点一点地，杂乱无章的未来集结到一点上，死。
 
  几何化的人生是一三角形，末端，都是死角。

累了？

  安慰的话，听多了，其实很烦，因为已经知道下一句会是什么，但却还是必须一句句听下去。更让人讨厌的是把明明就很烂的情况描述得很美好，什么事都没有一样。这世界很美好，你会没事的，别想太多，以后就会好的。

  更糟的情况还有，在两人都会不开心的情况下，对对方说“你会没事的”，“你会过的很好”。而这道问题是绝对不会有全方位正确的答案的。“是的，没有你我照样会很好。”，“不是的，没有你我不会好”，前者在大部分情况下其实就是事实，但没有人会这样回答；而后者就算是真的，也是问者希望的答复的情况下，到底是为了满足问者心灵上希望被给予肯定的需要，是不着痕迹地逼着答者做选择，还是以一道没有问号的问句来斥责答者对于两人关系所投入的心意呢？

  一次又一次的出现后，其实很反感，他到底是不相信你呢，还是不相信他自己？而一次又一次的出现，让人感觉他其实根本不了解你自己在想什么。“在他心里你就是这样的？”人生经历的不同也许会有影响，但也不是小孩子了。过去不是借口，以前也不会是现在，没有人能永远地玩老鹰抓小鸡只当小鸡。

  为什么，又累了？

《Elysium》

  Elysium, a place where there will be no decease and death, no pain and suffer, a place where everyone will find peace. Well directed and very well played. Inspiring and touching. For he who to save himself sacrificed for everyone. 

  I bet that seldom took it seriously when first on Elysium the officer or something else said that downloading the data would too kill him. Not until the mere end of the story when choices had to be made and again it was announced. A moment so touching when he had to decide whether it will be him or everyone else but him. A setting of he himself pressing the button made the contrast of importance between oneself against the whole humanism even more significant, and by making the decision and having it executed by himself demonstrated a sublimation of mind concept which does not belong to him in the beginning of the story. From the aspect of me getting a life to that of me doing something that would do good to the others. 

  It was very stunning that in the end still he died. Not of radiation nor fatal mission, as which a tragedy would be, neither did he triumph in victory which a comedy would suggest. A nice little trick that would trigger a brainstorm in the brain and too, in the heart. The willingness to sacrifice are always touching, Titanic, Iron Man, Pacific Rim, Avenger or even Despicable Me. But none had been so intense as compared with Elysium, as for in the beginning, He wanted a life. Having one to give up what he had been trying so hard to achieve is extremely difficult and would take a long time to even make the decision. Maybe, it was the movie that we could say it was a setting, but what if it's really our life there and it happened to be that of which a decision has to come. What would we choose? I have my answers.

  Elysium, a movie that magnified a mental loop that almost everyone on earth had before that there are places, things, times, opportunities, futures meant only for the privileged ones. That we can only stay here, on "earth", waiting for what we are unwilling to face, decay and die unwillingly. Despite the fact that it is touching, it is too, inspiring. By minimizing it to our everyday life, Elysium is here, not in the sky but in our brain, a constant reminder that tells us we can't, we won't succeed. Breaking them is the key to our future while compromising descends us to "earth", where darkness stood above light and evil condemns good. 

  May there be light in our life and future to lead us into peace while numerous Elysium appear to testify that in life, there is always hope, but remember, grasp not onto glory and triumph but the efforts and persistence, sees not the Elysium but the path into it.

By Yves, one that once had forgotten what dreams were meant to be.