Blogs 。。。

  Midnight, bumped into that blog of her, interesting, very very interesting.

  It is interesting to read blogs of people you once had an intimate relationship with, not necessarily boy-girl-friend relationship, just anything.

  For the most of them, if you look carefully and thoroughly enough, you can actually see some patterns in it. How everything begun and ended,and seemed unable to stop repeating itself over and over again. Unfortunately that is not the interesting part of it, the interesting part is that although the patterns repeat themselves over and over again, with each repeated patterns, something new will always be added into the compound thus complicating, changing, stirring, catalysing, whatever you would call it, the out come in terms of emotional and mental reactions.

  Whenever something new and unexpected came into the scene, that's a total surprise and to study it is a pleasure that few can understand.

Balance 。。。

  Sometimes, it is very hard to balance between hiding and letting go feelings and emotions towards different people. Every once in a while as a cycle we will sink into the "depths of whatever it is" thing because of some pheromones being released in our brain and begin to think or do something stupid things. For example, what I am doing now.

  Although knowing that all these are bullshits and soon they will be gone, still I'm here writing about bullshits. It's just too messy and complicated recently. And it's even worst that I can't write it here. Maybe I should stop telling people that I have a blog, it used to be a good trick to pick up girls for when they see so many of the romantic son of a bitch writing there they will imagine them to be real. 

  Really tired of writing things metaphorically like I used to be, so a fucking brain-power wasting action. I used to describe a girl using Amber. How the hell did I relate a girl with Amber? Ya, normally Amber has some insects inside of it, it's the fossilized tree resin. So I was saying that the girl was either a huge chunk of dried resin with insects in her heart buried underground for thousands of years and became a huge chunk of transparent shiny stone or the girl was... whatever it is. 

  But for the situation now, I better keep on doing that. Or else the consequences will doom me.

  

I wanted to pour, I wanted to pour,

A sea of fear, an ocean of tears.

Frozen to the heart, thawing thawing I fear.

In the darkest night, storms and storms I hear.


I am the eye of the storm, and passing shall ye not here.

讽刺吧？

  今天写华语吧，像很久很久以前那样。

  刚刚听了几首以前的歌，想了想，有些事，多久了也没改变过。

  “怎么XX了？” 为了应付诸如此类的许多问题，很多不同标准的答案都会事先的准备好，以便不用尴尬地支支吾吾不知道该说什么。当中一部分属实，一部分，是自己给自己的借口。虽然说是借口，也不完全没有根据，只是并不完全。

  但是就算是属实的那一部分，也不完全完全。总有那么一点是不说的。


下雨了，我们一起撑伞，走着，唱着歌。雨水滴滴答答在雨鞋上与心跳同步着，挽着的手紧扣着。不冷了，不冷了，紧紧地靠着，会暖的，会暖的。小心不要着凉了，生病了就不能来这里了。风越刮越猛，雨越下越大，靠得越来越紧，手越来越紧。下着雨，撑伞，走着，唱着歌，手麻了，不能弹琴了。


到最后，不是经不起诱惑，而是承受不住束缚。

  讽刺吧？

Good Bye 。。。

10.36 P.M  31/12/2013.

 

  Few things I'v learned this passing year of 2013,

1) Instead of finding reasons to love, simplicity serves better.

In remembrance of the one I thought would be my Jaina Proudmoore. 

2) A good student prospers because of a good teacher.

In remembrance of the seven years wasted in a street house in the neighborhood. 

3) When expressing affection to a long-time friend, be careful or risk destroying everything.

In remembrance of the one far far away in the north whose name none other know.

4) If you dreamed about having sex with someone, DON'T EVER DISCUSS IT WITH THEM.

In remembrance of the one I discussed the dream with.

5) Sometimes, you just can't do it.

In remembrance of myself in the year 2013,

 good bye.

Guilts 。。。

  There is nothing selfish about this. You take what you willingly gave out back, one way or another. But when the demand to give became too much to bear and the urge to take back became lesser and lesser, the balance is destroyed. But it was not what happened. The urge to take was overwhelming but the fear towards giving grew even stronger. And this was and is, human.

  A happy Christmas day, piano to play, food to enjoy and people to care. Yet after all came to pass, strange sense of guilt filled my very being. 

  As always, a breastplate damaged too bluntly needed no polishes or oil but the hammer and fire of the blacksmith to crush and consume every bits of it and reform it.

  Yet the kind of topic is not something you can talk about when the sun shines and the wind blows.

Seeds 。。。

  It has been a long time since I have written anything here, as to all the things happened recently were either too foul that such secrets should never be revealed or too genuine that it would destroy the image the world had on me.

  Few days ago, in a very peaceful night, despite all that might or might not be of trouble and consequences which no one will ever know, some of my fellow little secrets on the genuine side slipped through the little gap, to the Atlantic far far away.

  I don't mean to change anything other than letting you know about it. I just hope that despite all the distances in between, slowly with time, a more intimate bond can be forged, only until then should we decide the title to which we will announce to the world. Names, Titles were meant for the world to recognize, you don't need one when you are certain that the future will eventually come to pass. We both know too well that for now we have nothing to give and to promises but remember that we have also none to lose. We have time. Future lies ahead, and time rolls as eagerly as always.

  Just, reserve some little space in that heart of yours for the seeds to grow. Whatever the crops will be, leave it in for the Future to decide.

  .  

Such was not what I intended.

  Just a little time, before leaving for the concert. Take a little time for myself, which for a very long time I don't. It seems that sometimes, or just let it be always,

   such was not what I intended.

Yet it came. 

  

  How do I explain the concept of a yes and no relationship while yes and no are still to be discovered? A youngster can never understand the cruelty of war spoken by folks who's concerns everyday now were the flowers and dogs in their backyard. 

  Only when war engines were at their door steps, when the sky rained not of water but blood should they understand it truly. 

  

  Different experiences throughout the years, made the difference. You won't really understand, that I am really sorry.

Prayers 。。。

 

 On this very day, in this very night, under this very light, I pray, to be consumed, destroyed and reborn.
  Whatever it might be, I welcome thee.

生日快樂~

  今天是一位朋友的生日，一位很重要很重要的朋友。沒辦法在身邊一起慶祝，所以希望短短一通電話能夠帶來一點驚喜和快樂，也知道說雖然隔著這麼長的距離，那一份關心還是在的，不管發生什麼事，都會有支持你的人。

  "肩膀"，雖然不能說什麼，因為不在你身邊，也沒辦法做什麼，不過還是會有點不是滋味咯。

  "肩膀"， 這邊有，無任歡迎，給你，不過要等你回來時咯。哈哈哈。

Eyes 。。。

  In your eyes, there were thorns here and there, everywhere. Protruding from within, gladly consuming essences in the chalice of light.

  You cannot move.

  The windows of soul, infested by the past, can no longer turn its gaze away from any which are to come. Thorns spiking up the surface, taking away every last bit of moist that ever existed.

  You cannot cry.

  Inches by inches, numbness spread through the nerves, like nano-probe assimilating the humans, defences were attempted, yet as always, resistance is futile.
 
  You cannot win.

  It is like a mirror, eyes, they reflect. Sometimes the person within, sometimes the other way round.

  Therefore in your eyes, what I saw was actually ...
 

白纸 。。。

  写字、画画时，出错了，与其尝试将错的部分擦去再改正，拿张空白的新纸重新来过似乎比较有建设性，虽然浪费了点，但却省去了越改越错的麻烦，虽然也未必会越改越错，但多一事不如少一事。

  此事在爱情里似乎不是如此。一张空白的纸，是可悲的。它没有任何的指引，不像九宫格，不像单线纸。一笔下去，十之八九歪歪斜斜。

  若把九宫格比喻成经验，单线比喻成为过去，大多数人应该总抢着要九宫格和单线纸，不论是要加在自己身上的还是要寻找它们。

  可惜这诸多理论上，更可悲的是，有太多太多的人，不会，不想，不要，不愿意，不肯，不知道，不屑于，画区区一九宫格。又有太多太多的人，觉得在别人的地平线上建立自己的高楼并不光彩。

  所以我们都喜欢白纸。

晚风吹过，街灯斜照着路人甲，影子依随长发飘着，仿佛是一体，却不是。

下雨天 。。。

 

  淋雨是件幸福的事，特别当世界太过浑浊，道路太过狭隘。一阵雨能把它们通通刷去，留下自己。

  最近常有奇怪的梦，向往着不同的过去，好似宿命论。过去多少的变化都只导向同一个未来，而当未来成为过去，同时间点上的未来也一并改变，开始另一段导向的旅程。一点一点地，杂乱无章的未来集结到一点上，死。
 
  几何化的人生是一三角形，末端，都是死角。

累了？

  安慰的话，听多了，其实很烦，因为已经知道下一句会是什么，但却还是必须一句句听下去。更让人讨厌的是把明明就很烂的情况描述得很美好，什么事都没有一样。这世界很美好，你会没事的，别想太多，以后就会好的。

  更糟的情况还有，在两人都会不开心的情况下，对对方说“你会没事的”，“你会过的很好”。而这道问题是绝对不会有全方位正确的答案的。“是的，没有你我照样会很好。”，“不是的，没有你我不会好”，前者在大部分情况下其实就是事实，但没有人会这样回答；而后者就算是真的，也是问者希望的答复的情况下，到底是为了满足问者心灵上希望被给予肯定的需要，是不着痕迹地逼着答者做选择，还是以一道没有问号的问句来斥责答者对于两人关系所投入的心意呢？

  一次又一次的出现后，其实很反感，他到底是不相信你呢，还是不相信他自己？而一次又一次的出现，让人感觉他其实根本不了解你自己在想什么。“在他心里你就是这样的？”人生经历的不同也许会有影响，但也不是小孩子了。过去不是借口，以前也不会是现在，没有人能永远地玩老鹰抓小鸡只当小鸡。

  为什么，又累了？

《Elysium》

  Elysium, a place where there will be no decease and death, no pain and suffer, a place where everyone will find peace. Well directed and very well played. Inspiring and touching. For he who to save himself sacrificed for everyone. 

  I bet that seldom took it seriously when first on Elysium the officer or something else said that downloading the data would too kill him. Not until the mere end of the story when choices had to be made and again it was announced. A moment so touching when he had to decide whether it will be him or everyone else but him. A setting of he himself pressing the button made the contrast of importance between oneself against the whole humanism even more significant, and by making the decision and having it executed by himself demonstrated a sublimation of mind concept which does not belong to him in the beginning of the story. From the aspect of me getting a life to that of me doing something that would do good to the others. 

  It was very stunning that in the end still he died. Not of radiation nor fatal mission, as which a tragedy would be, neither did he triumph in victory which a comedy would suggest. A nice little trick that would trigger a brainstorm in the brain and too, in the heart. The willingness to sacrifice are always touching, Titanic, Iron Man, Pacific Rim, Avenger or even Despicable Me. But none had been so intense as compared with Elysium, as for in the beginning, He wanted a life. Having one to give up what he had been trying so hard to achieve is extremely difficult and would take a long time to even make the decision. Maybe, it was the movie that we could say it was a setting, but what if it's really our life there and it happened to be that of which a decision has to come. What would we choose? I have my answers.

  Elysium, a movie that magnified a mental loop that almost everyone on earth had before that there are places, things, times, opportunities, futures meant only for the privileged ones. That we can only stay here, on "earth", waiting for what we are unwilling to face, decay and die unwillingly. Despite the fact that it is touching, it is too, inspiring. By minimizing it to our everyday life, Elysium is here, not in the sky but in our brain, a constant reminder that tells us we can't, we won't succeed. Breaking them is the key to our future while compromising descends us to "earth", where darkness stood above light and evil condemns good. 

  May there be light in our life and future to lead us into peace while numerous Elysium appear to testify that in life, there is always hope, but remember, grasp not onto glory and triumph but the efforts and persistence, sees not the Elysium but the path into it.

By Yves, one that once had forgotten what dreams were meant to be. 

梦 。。。

梦，这般真实，撕裂着现实。

只留下淡淡的花香，和一只猫。

还有一点汗水冰凉的后知后觉。


满地的碎片。


在很远很远的地方，有一棵树。

很大很大，大得有洞。。。

树下有过去，未来，很美。

还有很多照片，没有一个人。


终于回来了，珍贵的相册。

等了好久，然后回家了。

靠着机车坐着，突然回来了。


就这样靠着，

是人，不是人，是猫，不是猫。

肩膀上透着汗水，依然冰凉。

笑声依旧徘徊。

你身上的味道，还在。

这里。


但，之后的就对你不重要了。

Amen.

Someone like you 。。。

  A week has passed. Again. Again it will. Again and again.

  Someone like you, a song signifying a failure in the past. A ship wreckage in the maelstrom of time. A fallen angel descending from the sun, its pride and glory, shattered pieces of armor, strong gust of  shame stirring in the atmosphere. The air was dry, its smell, true and condemning. Each and every breath, inhaling all the accuses, could  not deny them, accept them, neither.

  Every too close to the sun, striking heat flaming down every bit of ancient unbroken telepathic feather. Knowing the pain, feeling worthy, blindly feeling. Days after days, it bled dry. Like the great way of Khala, each and everyone were linked together through unknown patterns. There's a risky part in it. That, is the risky part of it.

  One for all, all for one.

  Thus,

  One broken, all broken.


From one point, shattered.

Hi, I'm Yves, nice to meet you.

The point where everything began.

是这样吗。。。？

人生中总会有许多遗憾，有的是别人给的，有的是自己拿来的。

短短的时间，不知道写不写得完，一点点的遗憾。

《突然好想你》，总是这样搅动着过去。


遗憾总是因为“本来可以不用这样的。。。”

“如果当时。。。”


与悔恨又有些许不同，遗憾不伴随着谴责，给自己的谴责。

也不积极地想改变过去。

只是。。。

静静的呼吸，

遗憾的叹息。


若说悔恨像钢铁的烙印，遗憾就像总是突然来袭的阵雨。

不会太久，没有预警。

来了就走，突然间又来了。


可以若无其事的过着不一样的日子，

看着不一样的日落，

但总在某个时刻，路过某个转弯，空气中某个味道，

不会知道的。

过去一幕幕的画面反射着，

在豆大的雨点中。


而每一次淋得全身湿透后，

拖着疲累的身体还是不停的在问着，

为什么那时候的我。。。

就这样。。。

了呢？

补上 。。。

  好久没写了，工作的日子，过得比学校快太多了，转眼间半年就过去了，好多快乐的不快乐的，就这样过去了。这阵子想了好多东西，一点一点，都没时间写下来，今天刚好在朋友家，不错的网速，不错的环境，好好的回忆下吧。

  很久很久以前，曾想过把想到的东西都先写在床旁边的墙上，不过之后发现灵感通常都不是在床旁边弹出来，而是在外出的时候，搭车时，散步时，做爱时。所以结果是墙上到现在都只有一行字，刚好灵感在床旁边跳出来的那一次写的一行字。



  “名字，是什么？”

  小时候，别人叫我“纬纬”，那时我非常活泼，整个世界充满着希望。大一点，“世纬”开始出现了，灰色也慢慢融入了色彩鲜艳的世界。之后之后，有越来越多不同的名字，叫着不同时期的我，因着不同的我，名字也不停地在变。

  但是，是因为不同的我而有了不同的名字，还是因为有了不同的名字才有了不同的我？

  这其实有点像那种先有鸡还是先有蛋的懒趴问题，但，又好像蛮重要的。

  有很多东西，是因为有了名字，才有了力量，才存在。



讲完废话了，太久以前的东西，也没什么记得，也不懂自己在写什么。


  最近，好多事，越长越大，人与人之间，越来越复杂。很多东西都不能写出来，或是太过复杂没办法写。

  越来越多次的爱情，越来越不敢相信，自己眼睛所看到的，一次次的绝望。一段爱情，从一个简单的信念开始，升温，粉碎，然后结束。种种的类型，结果却都一样。放进越多东西，滚烫时越是棘手，粉碎时越是激烈。然后是空洞。

  不知道应该相信什么了。


  曾经以为是一切了，然后粉碎。一切都粉碎。


  是害怕了，害怕再次的粉碎，害怕再次伤害别人，又被别人伤害。


爱极生恨，恨极生悲，悲极而无所为。是累了。



  撇开懒趴一般奇怪的爱情，家庭，似乎不比前者更良好，亦或者正常。

金钱，亲情，如何划分？

二选一，又会选谁呢？

纯粹的亲情，温馨，大爱的重要程度是否大于完整的金钱上的成全？

而亲情，能够当饭吃吗？


在懒趴的世界里，选择金钱的被称为不孝。

但在现实的世界中，没有钱，大家共度患难，同舟共济，万众一心，有福同享，有难同当，没米吃面，没面吃粥，没粥吃番薯，再没吃大便重要呢，还是大家各有各的成就而都能过上好日子重要呢？

  现实一点说，金钱更为重要。

金钱，常是兄弟姐妹间，甚至整个家族间不和的重要元素，亲情与金钱，都太过于重要。

  不好意思，我选择金钱。

“没钱啊，自己想办法。” “自己的未来要自己打算啊。”

  已经长大了，这些事都应该自己负责。的确，自己负责，过后呢？负责不了的部分还是在，然后呢？

  “没钱，自己想办法吧。”

  过分依赖，是病态的，不依赖，也是。

  不能依赖，更是。


常在炫耀着说，我家的孩子都很独立，都能自己照顾自己，先是都不用补习，再来都会做家务，煮饭炒菜，然后就是学校成绩，最后就是奖学金和大学。

  没完没了的炫耀，独立。

 一遍一遍听着，刚开始觉得骄傲，大一点觉得还好，再大一点，想法不同了。

不独立，难道靠你吃空气喝二氧化碳？

不自己来，难道等你来？

我们必须独立。


所以，回到刚开始的问题，是因为有了这环境而造就了我们独立然后有了无谓的炫耀，还是因为我们独立才有了现在的环境和最后无谓的炫耀？

  如果是后者，那还尚且可归功于优秀的基因，大学硕士博士生父母的后代，但若是前者，那就他妈的不关是不是你家孩子的事。

所以，到底有什么好炫耀的？




总是有累了的时候，想抱抱的时候，想静一静的时候。

失败 。。。

10/5/2013

一个一个，像是安排好的。

一字一句，一瞬间，走了火。

不知道歌词对不对。

一条走廊，两对眼睛，三个人。


  续前几天想到的，失败，是个名词，动词，形容词。

  要让一个人感到失败，首先，要有光。


  一道可以从外表上照出所有异样与不寻常的光，

  让人从最基本的行动上清楚看到，失败了。

  但人是固执的，或是说，爱逞强。

  总是不愿相信，如此看到的，就是结束了。


  所以还需要有声音。


  一把来自内心深处，略带疑惑的声音，

  一点一点地侵蚀从古到今建起的地基。

  不像海水，这侵蚀是由内而外的，所谓“金玉其外，败絮其中”。

  不管已是多么严重了，都不愿意承认，都不愿不认输，

  任由何等微小却沉重的一句话持续地冲撞着，等待露出地表。


  “难道真的是 。。。？”


  最后，不知从何而来的，一道轻轻的冲击，把一切推到。

  骨牌效应，一张一张，命运的塔罗牌就这样一齐摊开，

  述说着一些其实从很久以前就已经得知，且再三确认过的事。

  差别是，

  所有建立起来的地基，连带地被摧毁了。

  不是因为那冲击，而是 。。。

  固执？不认输？都不是。

 
  希望，是希望。


  “还有希望”，四个字。

  人们总是这么地相信着。


就像从前有人看见某人弹琴的一瞬间，在内心独自开始的莫名的咏唱，


  “还有希望。“

失落 。。。

7/5/2013

清风落叶，叶黄了。

工作，做工，经历着前所未有的传奇。

人生，太有趣了。

 
  失落，不是当别人做了什么，或说了什么，而是当自己什么也不能说，什么也不能做。

  莫名其妙的平静，不停地问自己，

  “怎么会这样？”


  而空洞，是当所以希望都在一瞬间幻灭，平地起的万丈高楼在眨眼间剩下地基。

  不，地基也被掏空了，多了往下直至地心的深渊。

  里面有个声音在对你微笑。

  在说着这世界的秘密，想听？就必须跌进去。


然后不停地坠落。