凌晨的阵雨，淋湿了鬓发，浇醒了寂寞。
工作，工作，工作，生活。渐渐地，只有在周末，才能这样夜也不睡，一分一秒地等到那个点上，等待灵感涌出来。说耍帅也好，说坏习惯也好，就是要到这种时候，才写得出一些东西。夜晚，世界变得很小，不会有太多声音，或者说，噪音。也该说它变得无限地大，许多不需要的声音都往不同的方向飞去，逐渐失去能量，消失在无尽的夜里。那个时候，地球不是圆的。凌晨的雨声，最美。
夜，一切都安静了，世界跟着早已设定好的方程式沉入黑暗。研究显示，年纪越大的人类所需要的睡眠时间越短，但睡眠品质却越差。也许，沉睡，并不是让记忆沉淀的好方法。
喝完了一瓶Mountain Dew 加一瓶 Manager 送的啤酒，一下一下地敲着键盘，打了，删除，再打，又删除。今晚，到底想写些什么呢？
前几天说的“手”，不知怎么说，是工作时的一点灵感。雨天，空调异常的冷，吹在身上不停地打冷战。当时唯一的的感觉，冷。摸摸自己的身体，脖子，温温热热的。于是开始想着从很久很久以前开始曾经握过，接触过，碰过，擦过，牵过的一双双手。
牵着一只手，觉得它冰冰的，因为自己的手是温的。若觉得它热热的，因为自己的手是冰的。不同人的手，当然给人不同的感觉，但同样的一双手，却也能够给不同的人许多不同的感觉。这许许多多的“感觉”，帮许多人构成了许许多多的印象碎片和回忆的轨迹。第一次握手，不一定准确的第一印象。握紧了摇两下，充满自信；握。。。啊？完了？这是啥呀？一定不善交际。一次一次的牵手，也勾勒出清晰的记忆画面。XXX日，XXX地，与XXX牵手走过XXX。清晰的画面。
一个简单的问题，好多好多不同的答案。不单局限在冷热温度的感觉，也包括了其他各种不同的元素。握手，牵手，分手；认识，在一起，说再见。机巧的文字，怎么说都离不开“手”。
有手的生物，在与另一个体相处时的距离，两者自然而然地有了更多的距离。递个东西，伸个手，完成。母狮子用嘴叼着猎物送到公狮子面前。母鸟用嘴喂食雏鸟虫子。脑袋越发达，个体意识就越强，而个体自身所需要的空间和时间就越发增加。蚂蚁不会得忧郁症，蚊子也不会有精神分裂。
有着来自不同世界的答案，细细长长，有力，干干的，冷冷的，热热的，厚厚的，有安全感，没安全感，纤细，细腻，不粗糙，有爸爸的感觉？那是啥呀？ 一双手，真的可以告诉我们很多东西。作文里也常说到的"XXX 怎样怎样的双手使我不禁想起XXX 年前的 XXX”。
安全感，是吗？作文里常说的是“厚重的双手“很有稳重踏实的味道，现实中却不一样。温温的，暖暖的，瞬间的紧握，那叫做安全感。当然有些人就偏爱冰冰凉凉的刺激感。突如其来的冰冻感，整个世界仿佛在一瞬间结冰了，时间也停止了。安宁，平静，明镜水止的平静。
当然，我们不可能记得每一只手的感觉，久了，自然也就忘了。可能，也许，还记得一点，形状，触感，光泽，一些画面。来自其中一个世界，一个有趣的回复：“忘了，可能因为不在乎了吧。”，的确，是会忘记的，不管是什么事，久了，就会忘了。
但有些细节，还是忘不了。
第一次的牵，被牵，手，紧张的心跳声透过接触点传来，微微出汗的手心，渗出对似有似无的未来的期待，春心的悸动，急促的呼吸，无法停止的微笑。不敢说话，哪怕一丝的声响，就会破坏了这一切。暖暖的，湿湿的一双手，不想松开，深怕这就是命中注定的最后一次。被汗水浸湿了的手，软绵绵，掌纹模糊不清，又有点明显，浮现的血管，红通通的手掌，让人觉得一瞬间，某处的猎命师把一件绝世好命降在了彼此身上。
可惜的是，很多事，第一次只有一次，不像电玩，不像俄罗斯方块，不像写部落，档案不能删除，不会消失，也无法重来。
牵手，牵的是心中的连结，暖暖的，因为渴望被爱；冰冰的，因为寻求平静。牵手，牵的是心中的期待，心中的无奈。
今晚，就不打算列表了，没啥意义，列了，也没啥用处。知道的已经知道了，不知道的，不需要知道。
今晚的歌曲是“真的受伤了”和“想你的夜”，还有伴随着夜风而来的阵雨。浇灌着几近失色的瞳孔和半白的黑夜。
2013年4月13日星期六
Move On 。。。
I've seen a short video about how a relationship would begin and end, quite impressing, in the means of plotting. It was basically everything from getting to know each other to breaking up and moving on. What's really impressing was that moving on actually too is a part of "a" relationship. Normally, many people will think that moving on after an already broken relationship is an empty gap between two relationship but in that particular video, it was not.
From the past experience, moving on, is not to forget, but to remember. Remember everything that might upset you, store them up somewhere in the universe. Well, it's a method I discovered but not my way of dealing with it. It might just work for the others.
A little more explanation, if you are trying to forget something, the answer is don't, for you can't, ever.
To forget something, practically, you must have peace.
Peace, as the aspect of acceptance. You must truly believe that even if it does exist, it doesn't matter.
There was a movie namely... whatsoever, a mathematician from Harvard has the decease called... whatsoever, psychologically he's been having delusion of one of his best friend since university and a Nazi German that got him involved in a big plan. As he began his treatment after discovered by his wife that his friends and a big plan does not exist, he can't take it, he can't accept the fact that so much of his life wasn't even real. And so the treatment failed. Jumped through all the troubles in between, in the end he found that he just have to know that they are just not real, even if they seemed to exist, they didn't. The delusions some times still helped him to solve difficult problems. It turns out that some times what we saw and what we felt were just a mirror of what's inside of us. The delusions were just part of his way of thinking.
A little summary, not learn to forget, but to accept, and move on.
Well, all these yes and no, skies and mud, not my way.
Move on is never my problem, so do memories, I always enjoyed flipping through old memories from the past and try to recall every bit of them that were beautiful. It is very interesting to notice something new every time I did that, something I never had time to peel off from skin to skin and look through everything carefully. Well, not every time, just sometimes. Besides intentionally projecting them in the brain, I prefer memories that would bump up in the middle of nowhere, for example when I was cooking corn bread and that thing bumped up, when the LRT went passed some particular station, something bumped up and etc. And that's another reason why I like to collect small things or books or papers, for they store memories, and they are always the key to those long gone history and way passed corners.
From the past experience, moving on, is not to forget, but to remember. Remember everything that might upset you, store them up somewhere in the universe. Well, it's a method I discovered but not my way of dealing with it. It might just work for the others.
A little more explanation, if you are trying to forget something, the answer is don't, for you can't, ever.
To forget something, practically, you must have peace.
Peace, as the aspect of acceptance. You must truly believe that even if it does exist, it doesn't matter.
There was a movie namely... whatsoever, a mathematician from Harvard has the decease called... whatsoever, psychologically he's been having delusion of one of his best friend since university and a Nazi German that got him involved in a big plan. As he began his treatment after discovered by his wife that his friends and a big plan does not exist, he can't take it, he can't accept the fact that so much of his life wasn't even real. And so the treatment failed. Jumped through all the troubles in between, in the end he found that he just have to know that they are just not real, even if they seemed to exist, they didn't. The delusions some times still helped him to solve difficult problems. It turns out that some times what we saw and what we felt were just a mirror of what's inside of us. The delusions were just part of his way of thinking.
A little summary, not learn to forget, but to accept, and move on.
Well, all these yes and no, skies and mud, not my way.
Move on is never my problem, so do memories, I always enjoyed flipping through old memories from the past and try to recall every bit of them that were beautiful. It is very interesting to notice something new every time I did that, something I never had time to peel off from skin to skin and look through everything carefully. Well, not every time, just sometimes. Besides intentionally projecting them in the brain, I prefer memories that would bump up in the middle of nowhere, for example when I was cooking corn bread and that thing bumped up, when the LRT went passed some particular station, something bumped up and etc. And that's another reason why I like to collect small things or books or papers, for they store memories, and they are always the key to those long gone history and way passed corners.
2013年4月6日星期六
放下 。。。
So here it is, another ending. No tears of sorrow, no words of return. Just an end. Without tears, without nightmares, it ends. It's interesting that people are able to accept things much easier if it happened and happened, again and again. The ability to adapt, or what we usually called, get used to it, is very amazing.
The very first time everyone cut their finger, they must have cried. The first time they fell, they must have cried. And on the path of life, again and again, no one ever cries again. Whether it's a neurological or a psychological we don't know, but we know deep inside that crying doesn't change the truth that something's never going to be the same ever again. Therefore as we cried and cried, we stopped. It doesn't change anything.
Again and again and again, I brought up the conversation, I started it. Why always me? I don't understand.
Five times in my life, five times.
People usually think that the one who's been receiving hurts more. And so spears were pointed against the one who's been saying it. Well, we're not Sherlock Holmes, who knows?
人是奇妙的动物，总在意奇怪的事。放不下，就是其中一项。
放不下，因为心中还有自认为应该做的事还没做，或是该达成的事还没达成。就和拿杯子喝水一样。一开始，第一口是甜的，之后慢慢转为无味甚至是苦的，然后就是感觉喝够了，最后停止。若是在转为苦之前突然间停止，之后还是会有想喝水的冲动一阵一阵地来。 一件件本来，可能，明明就应该做的事，该有的对话，预期中的浪漫，脑海中美丽的道别。一件一件接在一起，占据了心中一个一个的小坑洞，不时地抛出手榴弹袭击脆弱的心膜。人在执着于一样东西时最主要的原因是它并没有照自己的心愿发展。例如：情窦初开的小两口被封建思想的父母强行分开了，于是两人之间山盟海誓般沧海桑田的伟大爱情从此诞生。但若一切顺利，几年，快的话几个月后，简单的几句话，我们不适合，结束了。男子对心仪的女子穷追不舍，久了，可能不是真有了不可切断的感情，只是沉浸在那种放不下穷追不舍的快乐中，拥有目标总是让人不禁热血起来。不停地挽回，只是觉得,就这样结束了，不值得，还有，“放不下”。
但其实真正会刻骨铭心的，其实并不是最后得到了原谅或包容，而是不如意的结局。我们会记得的，总会是那个在无尽岁月里拒绝过自己千百次的女孩，无论如何坚决要分手的女孩，无时无刻24小时监控的封建父母，所有的“放不下”。
放不下的诅咒，解开？有。 有一天，女孩接受你了，终于心软不分手了，改朝换代了，于是，放不下，解开了。
蛮开心的，一阵子。
然后发现，目标没了。
突然间。
好像一场太大的胜利，太宏伟的成就，太完美的作品。
然后对一切失去兴趣。
然后一切颠倒。
其实并不十分喜欢她，突然自己想分手了，软绵绵政府？
挑战？
放不下，觉得应该有的都还没有，就结束了，所以留恋，所以牵挂。
五段话，留给五段记忆，当做结束。放下。
想象中对于男生的期待，可以不要那么梦幻吗？哈哈哈。
长期的束缚后，一下的放轻松，一切突然变得太美好，太没实在感了。周围的环境，自身的品质，扭曲的心态和不存在的矜持确定了我们的不可能。无私的付出，不长这个模样。
反反复复，也许是命运，也许是缘分，人生中总需要些小插曲，短短的，涩涩的，而你，也只是想要个稳定的生活，可惜你什么都不说，什么都藏在心里，甚至连结果也没说。“其实你到底想要的是什么？”，是你问的。这问题恐怕没一个人能够准确的回答，且确定自己的答案在未来不会改变。一页一页翻下去，一篇一篇写到现在，我还不知道。曾经以为，自己找到了答案，可终究不是了，期望落空。恐怕这是要在垂垂老矣之时，才能在孙儿面前炫耀的所谓人生。
陌生，认识，朋友，好朋友，干妹妹，恋人，然后陌生人。充满有前途的回忆，有白痴睡着的土狗，越轨的拉面店，充满香气的书展，然后那一封信息。虽然到最后，不信任，为这一切画上句点。安全感，是神奇的，没有的人，期待有，但却没办法给予，于是循环的的结果，无。一切来的太快，去得更快，没有时间看清，没有时间解释。太多的猜忌，太多的过去，太多的朋友，太多的友达。一层一层加在一起，太乱了，乱得怕自己看错。也许是我的错，不信任，但模糊不清的界线，实在容易让人误会。当时知道错了，挽回，你拒绝了。我是不是应该不那么诚实，结果就会不一样？ 1月17日，LRT，并不是我没注意到那一天，只是没想到你是那么地在意。2月14日，因为之前的失望，结果变成之后的不在乎？然后慢慢累积累积。打机不得空看电话，理由不算太牵强吧。。。曾经有很多的埋怨，不解和误会，最后看清了。 太多的太多，因为太不成熟。
你，最认真的一次，自白痴父母那次后，最认真的一次，可偏偏，一次又一次，冷水，冰块，风霜，由头到脚，醍醐灌顶。我有意思，你有意思，你浑然不知。我爱上了，你有意思，你浑然不知。我受伤了，你浑然不知。我失望了，冷淡了，丧气了，生气了，伤心了，哭了，你浑然不知，你浑然不知。我转身了，你爱上了，清醒了，太迟了。2013年1月23日，彻底心碎，不再抱任何希望。有没有发现，那天开始，我不曾说过“我爱你”？要如何才能把一个人的心摧残得连将就将就下都做不到了，我不知道。继续，只是增加自己的痛苦，和将来的你更大的痛苦，于是我开口了。又是我。美丽的回忆，有，不记得了。痛的回忆，有，太多了。关于我们的一切，太痛了，美丽的不美丽的，我把它们一起封了起来，不再打开。差不到一个礼拜就一年，算是尴尬的时间点，等过了周年纪念又太残忍，在那之前又有点美中不足。我知道对你来说，这段关系很重要，可就如我说过的，我们都还不成熟。是我的错。
在对的时间，用对的方式，遇见错的人。
在错的时间，用对的方式，遇见错的人。
在错的时间，用错的方式，遇见错的人。
在对的时间，用错的方式，遇见对的人。
在错的时间，用对的方式，遇见对的人。
不完美，惆怅，但却美丽。
The very first time everyone cut their finger, they must have cried. The first time they fell, they must have cried. And on the path of life, again and again, no one ever cries again. Whether it's a neurological or a psychological we don't know, but we know deep inside that crying doesn't change the truth that something's never going to be the same ever again. Therefore as we cried and cried, we stopped. It doesn't change anything.
Again and again and again, I brought up the conversation, I started it. Why always me? I don't understand.
Five times in my life, five times.
People usually think that the one who's been receiving hurts more. And so spears were pointed against the one who's been saying it. Well, we're not Sherlock Holmes, who knows?
人是奇妙的动物，总在意奇怪的事。放不下，就是其中一项。
放不下，因为心中还有自认为应该做的事还没做，或是该达成的事还没达成。就和拿杯子喝水一样。一开始，第一口是甜的，之后慢慢转为无味甚至是苦的，然后就是感觉喝够了，最后停止。若是在转为苦之前突然间停止，之后还是会有想喝水的冲动一阵一阵地来。 一件件本来，可能，明明就应该做的事，该有的对话，预期中的浪漫，脑海中美丽的道别。一件一件接在一起，占据了心中一个一个的小坑洞，不时地抛出手榴弹袭击脆弱的心膜。人在执着于一样东西时最主要的原因是它并没有照自己的心愿发展。例如：情窦初开的小两口被封建思想的父母强行分开了，于是两人之间山盟海誓般沧海桑田的伟大爱情从此诞生。但若一切顺利，几年，快的话几个月后，简单的几句话，我们不适合，结束了。男子对心仪的女子穷追不舍，久了，可能不是真有了不可切断的感情，只是沉浸在那种放不下穷追不舍的快乐中，拥有目标总是让人不禁热血起来。不停地挽回，只是觉得,就这样结束了，不值得，还有，“放不下”。
但其实真正会刻骨铭心的，其实并不是最后得到了原谅或包容，而是不如意的结局。我们会记得的，总会是那个在无尽岁月里拒绝过自己千百次的女孩，无论如何坚决要分手的女孩，无时无刻24小时监控的封建父母，所有的“放不下”。
放不下的诅咒，解开？有。 有一天，女孩接受你了，终于心软不分手了，改朝换代了，于是，放不下，解开了。
蛮开心的，一阵子。
然后发现，目标没了。
突然间。
好像一场太大的胜利，太宏伟的成就，太完美的作品。
然后对一切失去兴趣。
然后一切颠倒。
其实并不十分喜欢她，突然自己想分手了，软绵绵政府？
挑战？
放不下，觉得应该有的都还没有，就结束了，所以留恋，所以牵挂。
五段话，留给五段记忆，当做结束。放下。
想象中对于男生的期待，可以不要那么梦幻吗？哈哈哈。
长期的束缚后，一下的放轻松，一切突然变得太美好，太没实在感了。周围的环境，自身的品质，扭曲的心态和不存在的矜持确定了我们的不可能。无私的付出，不长这个模样。
反反复复，也许是命运，也许是缘分，人生中总需要些小插曲，短短的，涩涩的，而你，也只是想要个稳定的生活，可惜你什么都不说，什么都藏在心里，甚至连结果也没说。“其实你到底想要的是什么？”，是你问的。这问题恐怕没一个人能够准确的回答，且确定自己的答案在未来不会改变。一页一页翻下去，一篇一篇写到现在，我还不知道。曾经以为，自己找到了答案，可终究不是了，期望落空。恐怕这是要在垂垂老矣之时，才能在孙儿面前炫耀的所谓人生。
陌生，认识，朋友，好朋友，干妹妹，恋人，然后陌生人。充满有前途的回忆，有白痴睡着的土狗，越轨的拉面店，充满香气的书展，然后那一封信息。虽然到最后，不信任，为这一切画上句点。安全感，是神奇的，没有的人，期待有，但却没办法给予，于是循环的的结果，无。一切来的太快，去得更快，没有时间看清，没有时间解释。太多的猜忌，太多的过去，太多的朋友，太多的友达。一层一层加在一起，太乱了，乱得怕自己看错。也许是我的错，不信任，但模糊不清的界线，实在容易让人误会。当时知道错了，挽回，你拒绝了。我是不是应该不那么诚实，结果就会不一样？ 1月17日，LRT，并不是我没注意到那一天，只是没想到你是那么地在意。2月14日，因为之前的失望，结果变成之后的不在乎？然后慢慢累积累积。打机不得空看电话，理由不算太牵强吧。。。曾经有很多的埋怨，不解和误会，最后看清了。 太多的太多，因为太不成熟。
你，最认真的一次，自白痴父母那次后，最认真的一次，可偏偏，一次又一次，冷水，冰块，风霜，由头到脚，醍醐灌顶。我有意思，你有意思，你浑然不知。我爱上了，你有意思，你浑然不知。我受伤了，你浑然不知。我失望了，冷淡了，丧气了，生气了，伤心了，哭了，你浑然不知，你浑然不知。我转身了，你爱上了，清醒了，太迟了。2013年1月23日，彻底心碎，不再抱任何希望。有没有发现，那天开始，我不曾说过“我爱你”？要如何才能把一个人的心摧残得连将就将就下都做不到了，我不知道。继续，只是增加自己的痛苦，和将来的你更大的痛苦，于是我开口了。又是我。美丽的回忆，有，不记得了。痛的回忆，有，太多了。关于我们的一切，太痛了，美丽的不美丽的，我把它们一起封了起来，不再打开。差不到一个礼拜就一年，算是尴尬的时间点，等过了周年纪念又太残忍，在那之前又有点美中不足。我知道对你来说，这段关系很重要，可就如我说过的，我们都还不成熟。是我的错。
在对的时间，用对的方式，遇见错的人。
在错的时间，用对的方式，遇见错的人。
在错的时间，用错的方式，遇见错的人。
在对的时间，用错的方式，遇见对的人。
在错的时间，用对的方式，遇见对的人。
不完美，惆怅，但却美丽。
2013年3月31日星期日
记忆。。。
放下背包，冰箱正在召唤着饿得可以吞掉东京铁塔的我，毫不犹豫地我打开冰箱，拿起乳白色黏稠稠的液体直灌，管他是挤出来的还是射出来的。
过一阵，下腹一阵冰凉，些许颤动，肚子好像跟刚刚结束短暂生命的不知名液体联了手来对我不分青红皂白的营养方式提出抗议。无可奈何天生敏感的肠胃，东京血族又一次遭到惨烈的轰炸。
楼梯间，浴室传来沙沙的水声。
是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。是他。
他终于回来了。
三年零八个月，他回来了。
每个暴雨的夜晚，那画面就这样重新在脑海里一次又一次地播放。一次比一次清晰，一次比一次明了。每一次都在提醒着我一个不争的事实，她，不在了。
他终于回来了，要说开心倒也不是，那是的心情更似于兴奋。无声的脚步倒退下楼梯来到厨房，觉得平时切菜的合式菜刀蛮顺眼的，就选它吧。踏着轻松平常的脚步声上楼，右转进了房间，半身赤裸的他面向窗台吹着口哨，慢慢擦拭着半秃的头。
闻似《哀歌》的口哨声停顿，没回头，声音的主人问道。
“回来啦？”
“嗯。”
“ 一切都还好吗？你长大了不少。”
“嗯。”
“待会儿有事找你聊聊，今晚没节目吧？”
“嗯。”
没回头，继续的擦拭。
一步一步，我慢慢靠近，手上的合式菜刀依旧藏在身后。
背后，没有预警，没有对峙的漂亮脏话，没有最后的真情告白，我盯着窗台旁姐姐的照片，十一岁，含苞待放的年龄，世界是张白纸的时光。
顺着每晚睡不着都会重复的词句，加上那三年来每天的练习，我轻声的，开始数着。
一刀，两刀，三刀，四刀，五刀 。。。
手上的动作配合嘴上的数儿，《哀歌》的主人由第一声喊叫，到惊恐的回头，到抽蓄的挣扎，到非自主神经反射的抽动，到。。。
一动也不动。
背后一刀第六节脊椎，从左手开始，往上。右手，往上。肩胛骨，脚趾，往上。
避开大腿动脉免得失血过多。
接下来盆骨左上方，四十五度刺入，抽出，上三公分，刺入，抽出，上三公分。
直到假肋处就停，避开肝脏。右边重来，避开胃部。
背后，肋骨缝间划开，横纹肌激烈地抽动。
还有。。。还有。。。
一刀，两刀，三刀，四刀，五刀 。。。
一百刀，
不多也不少，数的干净利落，嘴上手上都是。
哎呀，怎么忘了录影呢？
如释重负，我拉来张椅子坐着，开始了有一搭没一搭的有趣对话，虽然都是我在说，他，没
在答，也答不了。
“真高兴你回来了，这些年都在盼着今天能跟你重圆呀。”
“怎么刚刚看你表情好像有点惊讶啊？”
“学校的烹饪比赛我可是年年第一哦，蛮值得骄傲的吧？”
有一搭没一搭良久，慵懒地浴室里放干血水后，搬出空置在床底下的鱼缸，啊，忘了一件事，虽然放了一百刀，这首《哀歌》还是出奇的完整哦。
防腐用的福马林一般要在放血后用静脉通入血管里，可在这艺术的造就下，静脉就有点美中不足了。干脆用浸的吧，虽然贵了点。
一桶一桶的福马林，不久《哀歌》就像小时候养的金鱼一样在”福“海里漂浮不定了。不时稍微搅动一下，搅动一下，搅动一下。
好像全部渗透了，金鱼死了，就该捞出来啦。
好多回忆啊，关于他，还有金鱼。小时候，他常常带着我们逛鱼店，吃完饭就逛鱼店。一条条的金鱼来了又去，死了，腐了。那时我还常和金鱼说话，当然，他们也和现在的他一样，没答，也答不了。
墙上一瓶瓶密封了的金鱼缸，它们还在游动，不，将就的说，浮动吧。
当然，《哀歌》不可能屈身住金鱼缸的，以后心情不顺时还要多找他聊呢，毕竟是亲骨肉，彼此的心境，或多或少也比较能够了解。
血浓于水，对吧？
那要看过了才知道。
三年前的早上，姐姐十一岁的生日，上了车，他说是带她去买生日礼物。
消失了。
永远的消失了。
一个星期后的《美好世界报》头条：女孩遭暴，弃尸荒山。
他，没有一句话，没有一个字，再过一个星期，也消失了。
永远消失了。
早餐便当上留着字条，“我会回来的。”
墙上，有工匠凿上了的大洞，镶上了玻璃，里面有椅子，桌子，装潢。
停不下手，赶紧将《哀歌》抬进去摆好姿势并固定好，在喷上一层“护肤品”，免得待会儿不小心搞砸了。
决定良久后，食指与中指逆旋着开关，咔嚓，滚烫的液态玻璃注入墙里。
慢慢地，注满。
一时间房里好热，是呀，那是仇恨的热，复仇的火焰，无尽的热。
冷却。
好了。
“爸，聊天吗？”
THE END.
2013年3月24日星期日
No 。。。
有没有想过，if everything did not happen, would you still make the same decision? 如果没有那一次的来电，或许很多事都会更美好。忍耐，忍耐，结果还是在忍耐，互相地忍耐。If everything did not happen, would it be a lot more better for both of us? It might be. I really think that maybe it's time to make some changes, towards the good or the bad, no one knows. I once thought that what I long for was a pure heart and easy mind but in the end I find that it wasn't what I want, neither do the one I found.
Crucial talking, left to rot, why I'm always the bad guy?
Why is it wrong to give up?
Why is it wrong to let down and let go?
Why is it wrong to say I'm sorry?
怎么你声音变得冷淡了？
是我变了，是我变了。
It's not that I fall for others or I feel bored.
I always find the question and tries to solve it.
I have always failed to.
And then I gave up.
And everyone calls me a bad guy.
For giving up.
For knowing the question and trying to solve it.
Turning off the lights, I see dreams, those that were beautiful and with future.
Everyone of them, each and everyone of them.
Too much hope and believe, every time, each and every time of it.
I had a dream,
Where I could be save and sound.
Sleep in the embrace of the goddess.
Die under the sign of sols.
Warm and full.
I don't know how to walk again, on foot.
My limbs were torn apart like chains.
Every veins were crushed into inches and inches.
I can't walk again.
Who torn my legs?
I need some rest.
I need more dimensions to mend wounds from the past and in the past.
The situation is bad, the wounds are not healing.
Drowned in the never ending river, it is coming.
Crucial talking, left to rot, why I'm always the bad guy?
Why is it wrong to give up?
Why is it wrong to let down and let go?
Why is it wrong to say I'm sorry?
怎么你声音变得冷淡了？
是我变了，是我变了。
It's not that I fall for others or I feel bored.
I always find the question and tries to solve it.
I have always failed to.
And then I gave up.
And everyone calls me a bad guy.
For giving up.
For knowing the question and trying to solve it.
Turning off the lights, I see dreams, those that were beautiful and with future.
Everyone of them, each and everyone of them.
Too much hope and believe, every time, each and every time of it.
I had a dream,
Where I could be save and sound.
Sleep in the embrace of the goddess.
Die under the sign of sols.
Warm and full.
I don't know how to walk again, on foot.
My limbs were torn apart like chains.
Every veins were crushed into inches and inches.
I can't walk again.
Who torn my legs?
I need some rest.
I need more dimensions to mend wounds from the past and in the past.
The situation is bad, the wounds are not healing.
Drowned in the never ending river, it is coming.
2013年3月16日星期六
A little sip 。。。
Little by little, sip by sip,
Down goes the water flow.
Day by day, drop by drop.
An empty glass and beyond.
More and more, pain and cane,
One will suffer, and one will dement.
And then,
You know.
2013年2月26日星期二
Yves's Log, 24th FEB 2013
Yves's Log, 24th FEB 2013
I'm going to start working soon. Kinokunia. A totally new environment for me, new job, new people, and new challenge. I know that its time t choose my song for the university audition. Things to learn are getting more and more, music, is not so simple.
A small thing happened few days ago, my friend and I were having different opinion towards a particular song. It was very different.
The past few months with my teacher have changed many of my way of thinking in music, its a breakthrough.
After seeing so much of the wonders in music, it is now very hard for me to really believe that I am able to reach that standard in just a few years time. Life as a pianist is not easy though. Unlike business, Law, Accounting,Finance, what you have to do is just memorize and write it out and you have your scores, you do whatever which will be the same thing everyday and you will have your salary blown up to ten grands in ten or fifteen years time. Ten grands, not much yet not least. You cant own a bungalow with that yet won't ever be starving. Life of music, time spent does not guarantee success or wealth, it's about time, but not time.
I'm going to start working soon. Kinokunia. A totally new environment for me, new job, new people, and new challenge. I know that its time t choose my song for the university audition. Things to learn are getting more and more, music, is not so simple.
A small thing happened few days ago, my friend and I were having different opinion towards a particular song. It was very different.
The past few months with my teacher have changed many of my way of thinking in music, its a breakthrough.
After seeing so much of the wonders in music, it is now very hard for me to really believe that I am able to reach that standard in just a few years time. Life as a pianist is not easy though. Unlike business, Law, Accounting,Finance, what you have to do is just memorize and write it out and you have your scores, you do whatever which will be the same thing everyday and you will have your salary blown up to ten grands in ten or fifteen years time. Ten grands, not much yet not least. You cant own a bungalow with that yet won't ever be starving. Life of music, time spent does not guarantee success or wealth, it's about time, but not time.
2013年1月20日星期日
A day 。。。
Things between us have changed a lot today. One who upsets the balance of nature will have themselves killed. It was oblivious that a relationship was build out of trust and with trust it prospered. One that was unable to give trust does not deserve a relationship.
I hate blogs now, for people will know what I was after, what I longed for and what I wanted to be. It's really hard when I have to care about so many things just whenever I wanted to write just something. Thus, I'm going back to my old style.
Thus the wind blows, shattered mirrors.
Memories of the old, like Titans they mourn.
Sacred love enthroned, deep lies it is.
Laughter or slaughter, let none be the answer.
Choice has to be, chosen or forsaken.
Minds could not be linked, differences have always been.
A treatment the same, clothing may vary.
Glacial spikes, everything's frozen.
I'm a wizard out of mana, a vampire craving for blood.
Unable to cast spells, vulnerable to the sun.
"Ever" is the mother of God, fuck it up.
I'm tired.
I'm thirsty.
I need a cup of latte.
I hate blogs now, for people will know what I was after, what I longed for and what I wanted to be. It's really hard when I have to care about so many things just whenever I wanted to write just something. Thus, I'm going back to my old style.
Thus the wind blows, shattered mirrors.
Memories of the old, like Titans they mourn.
Sacred love enthroned, deep lies it is.
Laughter or slaughter, let none be the answer.
Choice has to be, chosen or forsaken.
Minds could not be linked, differences have always been.
A treatment the same, clothing may vary.
Glacial spikes, everything's frozen.
I'm a wizard out of mana, a vampire craving for blood.
Unable to cast spells, vulnerable to the sun.
"Ever" is the mother of God, fuck it up.
I'm tired.
I'm thirsty.
I need a cup of latte.
2013年1月5日星期六
Blow 。。。
每个人一生，都会有一幅代表真爱的画面，有可能很美，有可能很惨。有问过许多的人，活着这期间里最美最浪漫的一刻是什么时候，得到的答案都很奇怪。奇怪的不是内容，而是表达与记忆的方式。听着不同人叙述的那一刻，大多有几个共同点。
1)周围景物的描述多过于人物的描述。
2）
Blah~Blah~Blah~ These are not what i was going to write today. It is so fun to play with the toys, imitating them, grow their confidence, make some co-incidents, turn them over and crush them.
Noticed that if a person was bound by the thought that " this is fate", it is so easy to manipulate their minds again and again for they themselves will make the conclusion way before it even occurred. And the " what it used to be will forever be" mind set is deep inside of them.
If there were emotional bond in between at the same time, you can't stop the fun! For feeling is as glue, sticky and dicky. The moment they realized that they can't let go, is the time the work being perfectly done.
Human, can so easily befallen by the power of feelings, in another words, loneliness. In the very beginning, feeling is a feeling, they wanted to feel important, cared or taken by someone or something. It was fun seeing the same thing happening again and again around you. First they were lonely, then they look for one, get rid of loneliness, not long after that, again they suffered from it again. So Addictive. So Fun.
This post were meant to be disgusting.
1)周围景物的描述多过于人物的描述。
2）
Blah~Blah~Blah~ These are not what i was going to write today. It is so fun to play with the toys, imitating them, grow their confidence, make some co-incidents, turn them over and crush them.
Noticed that if a person was bound by the thought that " this is fate", it is so easy to manipulate their minds again and again for they themselves will make the conclusion way before it even occurred. And the " what it used to be will forever be" mind set is deep inside of them.
If there were emotional bond in between at the same time, you can't stop the fun! For feeling is as glue, sticky and dicky. The moment they realized that they can't let go, is the time the work being perfectly done.
Human, can so easily befallen by the power of feelings, in another words, loneliness. In the very beginning, feeling is a feeling, they wanted to feel important, cared or taken by someone or something. It was fun seeing the same thing happening again and again around you. First they were lonely, then they look for one, get rid of loneliness, not long after that, again they suffered from it again. So Addictive. So Fun.
This post were meant to be disgusting.
2012年12月31日星期一
宁静时分 。。。
2012 年 12 月 26 日，圣诞节第二天。晚上11 点 40 分。
我刚回到，到了杯牛奶，香肠还在解冻。阵阵虫叫声传来，黄灯下，面对着自己。虫声停了一下，人总喜欢逃避，耶稣也曾想过逃避。逃避问题、麻烦、责任、痛苦、灾难或报应。我不知道，我正在逃避哪一些，也许全部都是。当逃避成为一种习惯，我们就会开始隐藏自己，个性、想法、感觉、样貌、过去和记忆。
光彩照人的一面看多了，人就以为那个是真正的自己。
那个自己，会得到众人的喜爱与肯定，在世界的舞台上勉强当个霓虹灯。
久了，那个就是自己。
我，就是自己。
一句话，在一种场合，用一种语气，一种笑容和一种眼神说出口，杀伤力有一个公式。可能吧，我是不是应该再烂些，他们就满意了？再烂些，他就会停止一切的计划，再烂些，就不会被无端地叩上无端的责任。太沉重了。
世界上不需要三个太阳，我也不想当月亮，放过我好吗？
一圈一圈地绕下去，真的会有结果吗？
天杀的自私，天杀的期望，我叉！
自以为是的优秀血统，无中生有的天分，自我满足的期待，注定的尘埃。
历代的期待，成为诅咒，我无法逃脱，亦无法破解。
我恨，恨这人性的自私，恨这世界的无耻，恨这永远的枷锁，我恨你。丑陋的存在。
想要就必须努力争取，以同样的话回敬之。无鞠躬尽瘁，死而后已之心，妄作飞龙在天，凤阳花鼓之想。并非人人如豪杰、云彩，驰骋疆场，翱翔天际。想对自己好点，去死吧。
家族的光辉，无能的世代，未了的心愿，别人的心愿。说不必在意他人的眼光，只管冲刺梦想，是个屁。莫说是个梦。想问如何冲刺？去吧，去放羊，去挤奶，去向外邦人传好消息，去吧。如苏武牧羊，期望有未来？去你妈的。
对不去，我不是你们家的，杀了我吧。
杀了我！
我不是你家的。不是，不是。
空洞的屋子，一个人住，是好的，也是不好的。自己一个，可以慢慢地面对自我，人性软弱的一面，赤裸裸的真相。不好，当想找个人抱着，你会笑。
对于文字与符号特别敏感，在脑海中构成无数的画面。可选择了写作，一支笔，两支笔之间的起落。因为可以隐藏，加以修饰，把不必要的，删除掉。你不想要的，就不要。画画，里头可以暗藏无数玄机，符号的隐喻，色彩的告白。可终究逃不过共鸣的眼睛。一副隐藏的画，会隐藏隐藏隐藏，它不在上面。
今天累了，不想玩捉迷藏，我只想说， Fuck you Bitch.
Yves 26 DEC 2012
2012年12月15日星期六
已经回不去了 。。。
在过去六年，不，是七年里，加上国中的一年半，所经历的，是七十年也讲不完的故事。曾经，我相信这世界可用逃避运转下去。曾经，我相信纯真的一颗心就不会被人们所排剂。曾经，我相信真爱可以挡住一切的的魔障。曾经，我还相信一生人一次的恋爱和永远的爱的承诺。在很久很久以前，忍耐是必须的、欲望是必然的、性只不过是一种慰藉而邂逅与幽会像是甜点。在漫长的2556天里，一个个美丽的信念被残酷现实的长矛刺破，一段段自己亲手写下美丽的回忆在不灭业火的焚烧下逝去；是孽缘啊。
不停地逃避，只会拉开自己与现实之间的距离，而一颗纯真的心的命运，就是被人践踏在地。爱不再是一种感觉，而是一种信念。因信念而存在的爱，才不会变质。真爱并不能挡住一切，人总有不愿等下去的时候，总有放弃的时候。
恋爱，不只会在心中留下不能消去的烙印，同时也把两盏曾经闪亮的霓虹灯烧成入黑暗。往后相遇，只能无声地踩着对方街灯下的影子，回忆霓虹灯般转瞬即逝的曾经。
如果说失败是成功之母，那成功之父一定还是失败。成功所带给人的成长，永远比不上失败的大。一次的失败，也不一定能换来一次的成功。毕竟双亲都是失败啊，一次的失败怎么能抵一次成功呢？
接下来，要做的就是圆梦了。走上了音乐的路，19岁了还毫无成就，已经是一大败笔了。“寄希望于下一代”，那句话好像是这么来着。努力地在这领域打拼，为下一代赢得好的开始。有多少人能打娘胎起就听着音乐，弹着琴吹着歌呢？这么算起来我应该才9岁不是吗？开始能够明白很多父母望子成龙，望女成凤的心了。并不一定是爱慕虚荣，是上一代失去的，希望下一代能够成就。
在学校，交到一班知心朋友是最重要的。上了大学，出了社会，同业的朋友不过怎么说都是竞争对手。这也是艺术之路的好处之一，有就有，没有就没有，竞争嘛，比赛见。赚钱固然重要，可这似乎是条饿不死也发不了财的路呀。
一直以来，“朋友”的字眼鲜少出现在部落格中，因为这部落格原是用来发泄对于某个曾经所给予的束缚与枷锁的。现在的我，虽然多了很多朋友，但这习惯还是不变的。长久下来，已经习惯了只把不开心的事写出来，而开心的事就留在心里。写出来的同时，情感也流露出来，不开心的就让它去吧，开心的事应该保存好来。
说到遗憾，有五个吧，亲手锻造的炼狱。话说还蛮开心的，若每件事都圆满地结束了，那这世界不就太没趣了吗？太开心时总没法写部落，没灵感。当然，后果是要自己承受的啦。
今天说了好多，等下次吧。
2012年12月7日星期五
Lost 。。。
Down the milky river flowed a cloudy mind,
The composer and the dreamer.
A fading star shining in the sky, awaits its death.
To the south it winks, while Athena goes dim.
Alchemist he is and necrolyte indeed.
Souls redeemed but none a mean.
Creek is the river and ocean is the sea,
He was a friend but a friend he is not.
I lost a friend, and I don't know why.
Merry Christmas.
2012年12月5日星期三
Misty Mountain Cold 。。。
Far over the misty mountain cold,
To dungeons deep and caverns old.
I found a ring lying in the deep,
Where no one sees and nothing roams.
The sun will shine, awaken dreams,
The one awaits starts to sing.
When the dawn had fallen on the moon,
He seize the key and end the storm.
The pines were roaring on the height,
The wind were moaning in the night.
The one will claim, his endless reign,
The songs like devil, in the mind.
There alone the mighty dragon roar,
Till ocean screams and pebbles howl.
The hymns were ringing high above alone,
The dream were flowing in the eye.
The fire was red, in flaming spread,
The trees like torches blazed with light.
Far over the misty mountain cold,
To dungeons deep and caverns old.
The pines were roaring on the height,
The wind were moaning in the night.
The fire was red, in flaming spread,
The trees like torches blazed with light.
2012年12月2日星期日
A Sink to the Underworld 。。。
I wanted to go,
To the sky that flies no clouds,
To the sea that pushes no waves,
To the desert that flows no sand,
To the field that wields no crops.
To the realm that no one sees,
To the world that bores no life.
Where the air is filled with fear,
Where the music of our world be silenced,
Where no stars shall shine and no sun shall rise,
Where you could cry but non shall arrive,
Only darkness and forever.
At dawn which no sun rises,
The feast begins.
To conquer and to slaughter,
For honor and glory,
In blood and rage,
We slay.
The deads wouldn't die,
For death is the salvation to pain.
Let us be the one to hit the drum,
For their doom are yet to come.
In the noon where the Moon rises to consume the winners,
I closed my eyes, to enjoy the slaughter,
Soundless screams, endless fear, merciless hands.
The moon smiles at you, You.
Welcome to the feast.
And there is a dawn for you again.
When i woke up, there were lights, there was life and there was you, little ones.
A little bit of sweet and gloomy.
More of a hymns than a dream.
Ah, the sun rises, it's not going to rain today.
Bye.
Yves Hon
The ship of Dreams -- Titanic
She was named the Ship that will never sink.
By whoever that believed so.
Such ironic.
Just like mankind, the world, life.
We always think that we still own another tomorrow.
Although poets and philosophers in the past have already told us so.
And at the innermost of our being, we always knew.
But yet we refuse to believe so.
And when the Day come and we have to believe, it's too late.
Titanic, dwelt on the sea, lies under it, and rot.
Jack and Rose finally understood, the Quest, will claim their lives.
People are always asking why school life always goes slower while a working life disappears in a blink of an eye. Well, reasons there might be, told not a many.
In school, we always wanted the time to go faster. While we were wishing for it almost every moment, we remembered everything that happened. On the contrary, wanting the time to go slower which we already have no time for everything, we forgot everything that happened. It's a trick planted deep inside our head when we were born.
So as a result of these bullshit, time flies.
By whoever that believed so.
Such ironic.
Just like mankind, the world, life.
We always think that we still own another tomorrow.
Although poets and philosophers in the past have already told us so.
And at the innermost of our being, we always knew.
But yet we refuse to believe so.
And when the Day come and we have to believe, it's too late.
Titanic, dwelt on the sea, lies under it, and rot.
Jack and Rose finally understood, the Quest, will claim their lives.
People are always asking why school life always goes slower while a working life disappears in a blink of an eye. Well, reasons there might be, told not a many.
In school, we always wanted the time to go faster. While we were wishing for it almost every moment, we remembered everything that happened. On the contrary, wanting the time to go slower which we already have no time for everything, we forgot everything that happened. It's a trick planted deep inside our head when we were born.
So as a result of these bullshit, time flies.
2012年11月27日星期二
Triangle 。。。
It is weird when people are drunk.
They act abnormally...
A dot has nothing,
It can't be anything,
Just a dot.
Two dots are something,
They can be a line,
They can strangle the criminal,
They can cut through heavy metals,
No matter how far apart they are,
They have a way to link up.
When it comes to three dots,
Things are totally different,
The world will change,
The dimension will fall,
They can be a three-dimensional thing,
They can be a triangle.
They act abnormally...
A dot has nothing,
It can't be anything,
Just a dot.
Two dots are something,
They can be a line,
They can strangle the criminal,
They can cut through heavy metals,
No matter how far apart they are,
They have a way to link up.
When it comes to three dots,
Things are totally different,
The world will change,
The dimension will fall,
They can be a three-dimensional thing,
They can be a triangle.
2012年11月26日星期一
Music 。。。
About Music ...
Well a very good evening to my fellow friends, it is my pleasure here to share with you about music and what music really is.
Music, as many of you seemed to know but actually don't, is either a career path or a hobby.
When you want it as a hobby, you can enjoy the various good feelings that it has to offer. It is indeed a good way to release stress and express feelings. Drowned in the world of self saturation, you will never know how and what you are actually playing. Many of my "friends" told me that they are just following their feelings and some even told me that they just feel good when they play it. But trust me on this, if you were just following your feelings and ever felt that you were doing good and full of feelings, you were actually doing no much better than hell and sometimes worse.
When you want it as a career of your life, it will become both fantastic and realistic. Fantastic is that of the real music that you will get to listen to and great people you get to know. Every piece of music has its story and way of playing and every lesson is a portal to a brand new world full of mysterious harmonies and melodies.
Realistic, in another way, cruel. To do good music, as for a pianist, time,resources and talent are what matters the most. Time is first the time spent sitting in front of the piano practising and talking to ourselves. Second is the time we begin our long run on the little narrow path of music. Third is the time we have to vomit music out instead of swallowing them in, meanwhile, performing. Resources is the basic of all and so includes music. A good tutor, piano, environment, atmosphere and education. A good tutor gives a good instruction as incorrect instruction could ruin a pianist's life. A good piano trains the pianist's ears and fingers. In another way, concert hall never uses lousy piano. Environment, atmosphere and education stimulate and inspire the thoughts of a pianist. What goes, comes out. The last and the least, talent. It is a thing that won't matter much in the beginning but mattered the most in the end. Talent cannot overcome hard work and time but it can make a significant difference when both time and resources are the same. And that is what most people envied the most, Talent.
Tonight is the ASEAN International Chopin Piano Competition GALA Night, I was there and I envied them. The winners are so talented (some of them) and young, some are just 7 years old and some are 11. In my opinion,many of their playing were amazing yet not inspiring. Music should be something that is able to touch hearts of audience and lead them into fantasy.
Stop dreaming!
People that are able to do that, we call them Maestro.
Everything here are just my own opinion and some might not agree with me. For those who wish to start a endless debate, please kindly press the "X" button at the top right of your screen and get off the page.
Thank you very much.
2012年11月23日星期五
参观蜡像馆 。。。
蜡像馆。。。
工匠赋予蜡像生命 。。。
却没教会它们与生命连结 。。。
一尊尊的立在走廊的两侧 。。。
相距不过几米 。。。
却未曾交通 。。。
近在咫尺的心 。。。
也未曾互相打开过 。。。
各自跳着各自的舞蹈 。。。
在午夜的蜡像馆里存在 。。。
与蜡像对话 。。。
就犹如与蜡像对话 。。。
对话的方式是我问我答 。。。
它只听 。。。
硬邦邦的蜡像 。。。
它们不能改变 。。。
只能捧着自己所有的 。。。
向往着自己所不会有的 。。。
尝试着改变从一开始就决定了的结局 。。。
在一个个夜黑风高的夜里 。。。
上演着没有结局的喜剧 。。。
在买蜡像时的初次搬动容易不小心折断 。。。
一场无声的抗议 。。。
宁为玉碎，不为瓦全 。。。
那蜡像已经在这方地上扎根 。。。
它已与这片土地 。。。
有着深深的羁绊 。。。
他已属于这片土地 。。。
粗暴的力量使得连接处吱吱作响 。。。
一下 。。。
两下 。。。
三下 。。。
断开了 。。。
好痛 。。。
2012年11月10日星期六
2012年8月31日星期五
...
It is tragedy when you realized that you have much inside but nothing to let out. Bored thinking ways to hide its true meaning and tired bearing the burden.
Growing older and older, bigger and bigger, words seems to slip away from inside. Problems and things, big or small, seems to become small and unimportant, unimpactful. Over and over again the same matter happened, it has lost it's power to create differences and pain.
As always, only painful memories will be written down. We are having too much of peace now. Seize the coming of the storm and beware of the falling dawn.
Feelings are better kept inside sometimes. People may concern, and may not. Those who did will be blessed.
Growing older and older, bigger and bigger, words seems to slip away from inside. Problems and things, big or small, seems to become small and unimportant, unimpactful. Over and over again the same matter happened, it has lost it's power to create differences and pain.
As always, only painful memories will be written down. We are having too much of peace now. Seize the coming of the storm and beware of the falling dawn.
Feelings are better kept inside sometimes. People may concern, and may not. Those who did will be blessed.
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