Still hard to believe that it's actually done. The very first recital of my life. The joy is tempting yet the burden will be greater and greater as it goes on. The joy of being on stage enjoying music is tremendous and I believe nothing in the world will ever be able to replace it. This may seem ridicule but I may have found the thing that I long for all along. Yet with great power comes great responsibility, what it will take for all the enjoyment is big. Time, resources and luck, as much as possible.
Music is neither just an occupation nor profession, it's a life style and to walk the path one has to contribute literally a life time pursuing for it to be perfect. Like what was told in the scripture : "One shall bare his own cross and follow me. " What I lack, is perfection.
Things are beginning to fall in place slowly, I hope this is not just another peace before the storm. I hate changes, I hate conflict. Yet these are the things that made music and life. Embracing them causes pain and fear, sometimes terror. Knowing clearly there's much more ahead, I'm hoping it'll get lesser and lesser. Change is never pleasant, so is life.
Big things come from small pieces. Feeling it very thoroughly through this recital, those time I spent waiting for it to happen, those time I spent dealing with excitement and pressure at the same time, they aren't like the video games where all that mattered was that little button you hit or didn't. They all came with price and sacrifice.
She is there, so far away, so uncertain, so futile. Commitment is like a wire to a kite, hanging on a single thread. Unsettling, worrying. I don't want to give up this time, I really don't.
It's been a really long week and many changes occurred. Were they just illusions? My audiences were all ... It's just so unreal, all these. Who I thought I was, I am, I will be.
I love, I cry, I become.
I am.
